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[Flash] The Courage Not To Be Discouraged

Recently 60 Minutes aired Lesley Stahl’s interview with Ben Ferencz, an investigator of Nazi war crimes and the last living Nuremberg prosecutor in the murder trial of German SS officers.

Ben has since spent his entire life advocating for peace.

In the interview, Lesley wondered about Ben’s indefatigable pursuit of peace in the face of unrelenting genocide around the world.

Ben pushed back, offering examples of society’s evolving mindset toward compassion. “People get discouraged. They should remember from me: it takes courage not to be discouraged.”

Ben turned 101 this year and received a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does it take courage? Because people are constantly questioning, judging, challenging, and doubting themselves and each other. Is anyone really making a difference? Does it even matter? Who cares? Why bother?

How do we muster the courage to persist?

Be energized, enthralled, or even enraged about anything at work or in life.
Find mentors to fan those flames.
Make progress every day.

At the risk of trivializing world peace, here are some lighter examples of people who have pursued, persisted, and persevered:

Steven Spielberg was rejected from USC’s film school 3 times.
Oprah Winfrey was fired as an evening news reporter for being unable to separate her emotions from her reporting.
Steven King’s first book Carrie was rejected 30 times.
Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball were told to seek non-film careers.
Colonel Harlan David Sanders was rejected by 1,009 restaurants before one accepted his Kentucky-fried chicken.
Retired Xerox CEO Ursula Burns and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz each grew up in NYC housing projects.
Mary Elizabeth Mahoney was the first African American nurse to complete official nurse training. She graduated in 1879 from the same school where she had previously worked as a janitor and a cook.

“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” ~ Steve Jobs.

[Flash] Brutal Honesty or Merciful Mentoring?

A manager called me this week, and the conversation unfolded as follows:

Manager: Sometimes, I need to be brutally honest with my team.

Me: What’s brutal about it?

Manager: For example, I’ll tell one of my guys the things that are tough for him to hear. It’s my job to help him see what others see.

Me: Interesting. That sounds like stabbing him in the eye with a stick to help his vision. Have you tried mentoring instead?

Manager: I’m not his mentor! I’m his boss.

Me: Ok… I’ll be brutally honest. You are a lousy leader. And your people don’t trust you.

Manager: Ouch.

Me: What? That didn’t help you improve your leadership?

Manager: Not at all.

Me: Exactly. Look, the problem with brutal honesty is that the “brutal” overshadows the “honesty.” It inevitably puts the receiver on the defensive. Sadly, they miss the information and insights you’re offering and instead accuse you of being rude, direct, or unkind.

Manager: Folks have complained that I can be blunt… But doesn’t my guy need to know what’s wrong with him?

Me: What makes you think he doesn’t already know?

You’ve worked with him for six months. He’s worked with himself for 46 years. I’m sure he’s cognizant of his shortcomings. He doesn’t need confirmation of those from you. He needs some new ideas, a fresh approach, some advice, guidance, and encouragement.

Manager: So, how do I start mentoring someone I’ve never bothered to mentor previously?

Me: Mentor in moments. Practice sprinkling any of these phrases into your conversations:

In my years as a leader, I’ve learned to…
I would encourage you to…
Here’s a rule I live by…
One of my best practices is…
I recommend…
In my experience, I have found that…
Have you connected with [NAME] to get her perspective?
In my view, one thing you did well is… and one thing I think you could do differently is…
Here’s an excellent opportunity for us to improve and grow…

When you’re overwhelmed managing tasks, it’s easy to see people as another task to manage. But instead, you can intentionally kindle people’s potential by making a contribution instead of making a condemnation.

Forget brutal honesty. Try merciful mentoring.

[Flash] Not Your Circus. Not Your Monkeys.

Many leaders lately have shared similar frustrations with me: “Why are my peers O.K. with mediocrity?” “How can I get my boss to change her behavior?”

My response: “Not your circus. Not your monkeys.”

Originated in Poland, this adage is an admonition that we are not in control of specific people or situations. If we were, we could do something to change or direct them. And because we are not, agonizing and stressing about them is a waste of our time and energy.

This is similar to the first part of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is a playful way of reminding us to let go.

When we recognize that it’s not our circus to fix, change, or control, we can also let go of our resentment, disdain, and contempt.

Be cautious, however. Not letting go but saying you did will quickly have you feeling like those disgruntled employees who sneer, “Not my job!” communicating their refusal to help and their overall callous indifference.

While it’s not our Circus and we aren’t the Ringmaster, we can still care about the mediocre performance and disappointing behaviors. We are like ticket-holding Spectators under the Big Top, expecting a sensational show!

But when our expectations are not met, here’s what we can do:

Appreciate the struggle and the growth journey people are on
Commiserate around shared challenges
Offer to help through advice, perspectives, ideas, and resources
Influence through words and actions
(Aiming for excellence often inspires others to aim for excellence)
Be intrigued and entertained, like every other Spectator
Leave the Big Top altogether

Letting go leaves us with space and energy in which to demonstrate empathy, kindness, and humanity. And that is the Greatest Show on Earth.

[Flash] Create More Than You Consume (thanks Jeff Bezos!)

In his final shareholder letter as CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos wrote,

“If you want to be successful in business, you have to create more than you consume. Your goal should be to create value for everyone you interact with. Any business that doesn’t create value for those it touches, even if it appears successful on the surface, isn’t long for this world. It’s on the way out.”

He then outlined the specific value that Amazon created in 2020 for its shareholders (net profit), employees (pay and benefits), third-party sellers (profits from selling on Amazon), and customers (time and cost savings) for an estimated total of $301 billion of created value.

We can and should apply Bezos’s sage advice to our work, our family, our friendships, and our community.

Are we creating more than we are consuming?

In each of these constructs, we invariably consume time, energy, money, resources, attention, and services.

And in exchange for that consumption, we meet our job expectations, attend family obligations, respond to friends on Facebook, and pay taxes.

But, borrowing from Bezos, if we don’t create value for the people in our life, we will not be long for our job, relationships, or community. That doesn’t mean our demise. Worse. It means the demise of our passion, enthusiasm, and joy.

Fortunately, “creating value” does not require launching a billion-dollar e-commerce business. We create value when we exceed others’ expectations and up-level our participation and contributions.

In any interaction, we can create value:

Inspire people with a vision
Generate and research ideas
Recommend and own creative solutions
Think and act strategically, not just tactically
Untangle problems
Deescalate drama and conflict
Listen purposefully and engage in conversation
Recognize and cheer for others
Take the initiative to help a customer/family/friend/neighbor
Fix anything broken or messy
Mentor others

One of my Circle of Excellence leaders reflected on her progress recently and shared, “I used to see things that needed to be done, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility. Then I realized that I can actually make a difference.”

When we are committed to creating more than we consume, it’s always our responsibility.

[Flash] Time-Poor but Connection-Eager

One of our healthcare clients just completed the first cohort of their Front-Line Nurse Mentoring Program. As I was compiling their final evaluations, I was struck by the data.

While identifying as time-challenged, the participants valued the program’s time-intensive components the most and requested more of them!

Participants reported favoring:

97% “meeting with my mentoring partner”
63% “participating in the mid-point peer report-out and final presentations”

And when asked about recommendations for improving the program, 48% requested more structured mentor-mentee activities.

But when they got to the question about challenges they faced in completing the program, 100% reported “time.”

Isn’t it ironic? The most significant barrier participants encountered was time, yet they urged us to include more time-intensive activities!

Amazingly, when we helped our client create this program, we had to convince her to include the mid-point and final presentations in the structure. She resisted, desperate to ensure the program wasn’t burdensome on her participants.

And then, those same participants critiqued her program for its lack of more demands on their time!

Sadly, while people are busy, they are also lonely.

A sociological study revealed:

in 1985, Americans claimed to have three close confidants
in 2004, only one confidant
25% (1 in 4 Americans!) admitted to having no one to confide in

Why should we care professionally? Because declines in social connectedness…

manifest loneliness, isolation, and alienation,
which inevitably lead to attrition, disengagement, and possible disruption
and threaten people’s health, even more than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure

Whereas social connections, connectedness, and confidants:

Strengthen the immune system
Lower anxiety and depression
Inspire self-esteem
Bolster empathy and trust
Increase retention
Improve engagement, cooperation, and innovation

So, we should not be surprised that essential, front-line nurses in a pandemic valued social connections and requested even more of them.

While time is not a fundamental human need, belonging is.

[Flash] How to Mentor Yourself

We talk to ourselves… a lot. Research estimates that we generate between 12,000-70,000 thoughts a day! And of those, 80% are negative while 95% are repetitive from yesterday.

That means we spend only 5% of our day not in emotional despair or ruminating. How can we possibly put our ambition on a mission if we allow the conversations between our ears to derail us?

We must shift our thoughts from self-talk to mentor-talk.

Here’s how…

When faced with a problem, our inner monologue typically includes the word “I.” For example, “I don’t know what to say.” “How am I going to reinvent my career?” “How will I ever fix this mess?”

Based on research, Dr. Noam Shpancer, a professor at Otterbein University, advocates for “distanced self-talk” to separate from our negative emotional reactions – all that distressing and brooding.

With this technique, we replace “I” with “you.” For example, “Ann, what are you going to say?” “Ann, how are you going to reinvent your career?” “Ann, how will you fix this mess?”

It’s a simple but powerful shift with profound implications.

When our self-talk leads with “I,” we reinforce the notion that we are alone battling insurmountable problems. Understandably, we’re going to feel heightened sadness, anger, or misery!

But when our mentor-talk leads with “you,” we step back from the intensity of our emotions, allowing our analytical mind the space to identify a solution. And by detaching, we abate our anger, alleviate our aggressive behavior, restore our calm, resurrect our big-picture perspective, and refresh our empathy. All of which clears the way to cooperate with others in stressful situations.

By shifting from self-talk to mentor-talk, we can create actionable solutions, like a Mentor would embolden us to do.

For when we mentor ourselves, we discover that we cannot be stuck and in action simultaneously.

[Flash] The Secret to Finding a Mentor (Hint: Are You Mentor-Able?)

People are always asking me how to find a mentor.

And while I could direct them to the tactics of getting connected, it’s more valuable to focus on whether the person is mentor-able.

To be mentor-able, you must be vulnerable, authentic, humble, self-reflective, and committed to an actionable goal.

Most importantly, you must be open to mentoring!

Here’s how people operate when they are not “open to mentoring:”

They don’t seek out advice: “I’ve got it handled.”
They overlook people’s perspectives: “I don’t have time.”
They disregard others’ ideas: “No, that won’t work” or “I tried that.”
They dismiss people: “You wouldn’t understand what I’m dealing with.”

Why do people shut down opportunities to learn from others? Fear. Fear of change, fear of judgment, and fear of criticism.

But fear only tells us what not to do. Fear never tells us how to move forward. Mentoring does that.

The secret to finding a Mentor is to stop looking for a Mentor and start looking for mentoring.

Mentoring occurs because someone wants to contribute an idea, a perspective, advice, a make-you-think-differently question, a challenge, a connection, a resource, or some encouragement.

Why wouldn’t we let them?!

It might only result in a quick, perspective-sharing conversation, or it might evolve into a mentoring relationship, partnership, or sponsorship.

But you must be willing to engage! By starting with purpose and presence, you can collect wisdom in any conversation with anybody. Everyone has something to offer!

How to look for mentoring? Ask thoughtful questions from various people, suspend judgment, trust the learning journey, and listen zealously.

And, the next time someone offers you some unsolicited opinion, advice, or perspective, welcome it with intrigue.

Instead of being irritated or offended by their approach, be grateful for the mentoring that found you!

[Flash] Want It More Than You Fear It (Some Tough Love for Mentees)

This morning my Peloton instructor challenged us: “You must want it more than you fear it!” And while we were merely struggling through a resistance class on a stationary bike, we would be negligent not to apply that battle cry to all areas of our life.

We must want a change more than we fear the change.

What change? The desire for a new behavior or skillset, role or responsibility, a different job or a leadership path, a passion project, or a game-changing goal.

Without desire, there is no need to stretch, grow, develop, or evolve. Nothing is luring us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves.

So then, what do we fear? Judgment, criticism, rejection, humiliation, failure, disappointment, exclusion, or insignificance…. to name a few.

And thanks to this gaggle of fears, we have brilliantly developed unique expertise in self-sabotage! We take actions that interfere with our desires. We create metaphorical roadblocks by procrastinating or justifying with excuses. (The struggle with White Paper Syndrome is real!)

The good news about self-sabotage? We got in our own way, so logically we can get out of our own way. We’re doing it to ourselves, so we can stop doing it to ourselves.

The not so good news? We often don’t see that we’re doing it. We have blindspots!

The great news? Alchemy occurs when a Mentor draws out our aspirations while helping us notice when our fears are festering.

But Mentors can only contribute to us if we want it more than we fear it, even if we don’t know exactly what we want. Caveat… Mentors do not look forward to working with Mentees who invariably procrastinate and incessantly make excuses. It’s just not fun trying to help someone move forward when they are committed to staying stuck.

Want it more than you fear it, and your Mentor will want it for you too!