Search Results for: Not for me

One day a recruiter from a competing firm called and intrigued me with a different model for practicing law and enticed me with the prospect of exciting projects.

I was conflicted. I didn’t want to leave – I loved my current firm. But I also didn’t want to miss the opportunity.

I swirled in indecision. I floundered in uncertainty. And after reluctantly interviewing, I feebly accepted an offer. I switched firms in what felt like a default instead of a conviction.

I don’t regret the decision. I regret the process. I regret going through it alone and confused. And I was quick to blame my challenge on a lack of mentoring.

But I had a terrific boss who would have gladly mentored me. And I had access to thoughtful, strategic people at work and in life who would have eagerly contributed their advice… had I asked.

But I lacked the courage to be mentored.

• courage to pause and reflect
• courage to be vulnerable
• courage to ask for help
• courage to share aspirations
• courage to make mistakes
• courage to take advice
• courage to be responsible

Recently when a friend didn’t ask for help as he embarked on a career change, I felt disappointed. I have experienced what he is experiencing; I have insights and wisdom to contribute; I have ideas and resources to share. But he didn’t engage me.

At first, I took it personally. And then I realized that he might be oblivious to or insecure about seeking guidance.

With compassion, I extended a mentoring offer, “Let me know if you might benefit from my advice, perspectives, or ideas. I’ve been through a similar experience, and I’m happy to help!”

Most people struggle to find the courage to change. Let’s ease their burden of also finding the courage to be mentored. When we anchor formal, structured mentoring programs to any career or leadership transition, mentoring becomes an integrated part of the process. Not something else to neglect or navigate.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

But they are a bit anxious about getting enough Mentors signed up to meet the demand. Their concern? People are “too busy” and “burned out.”

Ironically, that is often why people do mentor!

If you are invited to participate in a formal mentoring program or informally by an individual, consider the 13 reasons to mentor:

1. You want to be a leader.
Leaders share their wisdom to help others grow. Don’t wait for a leadership title! Be a mentor and start leading immediately.

2. You want to strengthen your leadership skills.
Mentoring offers a safe space to practice essential leadership skills such as encouraging new ways of thinking, developing a strategic direction, offering feedback and guidance, influencing growth and accountability, and recognizing excellence.

3. You miss feeling connected in this disconnected time.
This work-from-home-or-behind-a-mask environment demands the intentionality and structure of mentoring to stay connected to and engaged with colleagues.

4. You are eager to learn and grow.
Through the experience of mentoring others, you expand your own perspective, challenge your own assumptions, spark your own confidence, rethink your own goals, and improve your own problem-solving.

I thanked a very busy nurse today for mentoring two new nurses, and she responded immediately, “It’s a blessing both ways! I’m learning so much!”

5. You want to resurrect and reinforce your insights and learnings.
As management guru Peter Drucker said, “No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it.” By articulating your own wisdom for a Mentee, you will fortify it for yourself.

6. You feel a need to rekindle your passion for your profession.
A nurse Mentor reflected recently, “Being a mentor renewed my love of nursing! Reminded me why I chose this career!”

7. You were inspired by someone else’s generosity toward you.
You feel altruistically compelled to pay it forward because someone mentored you.

8. … or you wish someone had mentored you.
You have the opportunity to make the experience a bit better for the next person.

9. You want to help your team/department/organization.
Whether the mentoring program is focused on onboarding new people, retaining good people, or preparing eager people to transition, your participation has a strategic impact.

10. You crave a little more joy on the job.
A new connection and some fresh conversations can break the monotony of meetings and give you something fun to anticipate.

11. You like giving advice.
…and you want to give it to someone hungry to get it and ready to take action on it!

12. You are committed to leading by example.
Dr. Laurie Ecoff, VP of Nursing Excellence at Sharp Healthcare, Adjunct Professor at UCSD, and President of ACNL (Association of California Nurse Leaders), is always the first to sign up to mentor and the first to attend every mentoring program event. When I inquired why someone as stretched as she makes time to participate, she said she sets an example through her actions.

13. You want to make a difference.
With mentoring, you will always make a difference for someone else.

“I’m not a teacher, but an awakener.” ~ Robert Frost, poet

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

But my dad was a prolific micro-mentor.

Micro-mentoring: sharing wisdom in atomically small moments.

My dad read four different newspapers each day, intentionally seeking a variety of perspectives. Always in print. Never online.

Invariably while reading these papers, he would find an article that he thought would contribute to my current adventure. When I enrolled in law school, he noticed articles on law firms. When I moved to San Francisco, he looked for articles about the golden state. When I started my own business, he found articles on entrepreneurship.

He would clip the article, write at the top, “Ann – FYI. Dad,” and then mail it to me. Typically, I’d receive a newspaper clipping once a week.

Every time my dad sent an article, he thought of me, encouraged my journey, shared a fresh idea or perspective, and sent me a resource.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to maturity, I didn’t always recognize or appreciate it. But he was undeterred, as all great mentors are.

Today, I realize the value of micro-mentoring and often emulate his practice.

To start micro-mentoring:

• Identify someone you want to contribute to, like a peer, employee, or mentee.
• Reflect on their current situation, transition, or passion project.
• Look for wisdom to share in the form of books, articles, videos, social media posts, connections, or even cartoons or memes.
• Use the shared piece as a springboard for a conversation or exploration.

Interestingly when my mom started dating again, she met (and married) Allan, also versed in micro-mentoring. Today, Allan regularly sends me links to articles (but in this decade, I receive them via text).

And now I can recognize the effort, appreciate the contribution, and deliberately leverage the nuggets of wisdom.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Invariably, they would respond, “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.”

Feeling very clever, I’d be ready with my retort, “Why was it fine/good/OK?”

Of course, they would try to derail me with, “I don’t know.”

Undeterred, I’d prolong this maddening, ineffective interrogation with, “If you did know, what would you say?”

They would stare at me dumbfounded. So, I’d try a different angle, “What was something funny that happened at school today?”

Inevitably, I would get, “Nothing.”

This awkward dance went round and round. And yet, I rarely learned anything new, and none of us felt connected in the exchange.

Now that my stepkids are adulting, I have new targets: my nephew Joaquin and my niece Lulu, 14 and 12, respectively. Like with my stepkids, I deliberately develop my relationship with Joaquin and Lulu.

The three of us went out to dinner last week, and I experimented with a different approach.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about homecoming.”
He regaled me with all the details.

I said to Lulu, “Tell me about your swim meet.”
She shared her triumphant adventures in the pool.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about high school.”
He gushed, “Aunt Ann! It’s so interesting! In grade school, they treated us like dogs. In middle school, they treated us like children. In high school, they treat us like adults. There are so many choices every day – classes, activities, clothing, food! There’s even a coffee shop!”

Had I simply asked, “How is school?” I probably would not have been rewarded with his reflection.

So now, I’ve been testing this approach with others.

“Tell me about your day,” I say to my husband as we cook. And I learn what’s weighing on him.
“Tell me about your vacation,” I said to a friend. And she excitedly explained her itinerary.
“Tell me about your weekend,” I said to another friend. And I learned about her experiences visiting colleges with her son.

“How are you?” “How’s your day?” “How’s it going?” are polite, transitory greetings. They don’t even necessitate a reply.

Whereas “Tell me about…” conveys sincere curiosity and a commitment to engage. It invites intentional, colorful conversation to which the other person often reveals what is most important to them. But it also demands a genuine interest in whatever is shared.

Even in casual conversations, people crave significance.

“How’s it going?” doesn’t demonstrate importance. But “Tell me about…” communicates to the other person that they matter.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

I asked Lue, our Director of Operations, to cover one of those meetings for me – a strategic session with the mentoring program team at a hospital.

When we connected afterward for a debrief, Lue expressed joy from her great meeting!

The team requested some changes to their mentoring program, and Lue earnestly said, “Yes! We can do that!” And then, she implemented the changes in the meeting for the team to see.

I heard the pride in Lue’s voice as she shared her experience – she had delighted this client!

But my knee-jerk reaction killed that joy. I blurted, “Oh no! Jane [the program lead’s boss] will not like that we made changes for one hospital but not all of them!”

Lue was apologetic but also defensive. She thought she had served the client well.

And then it hit me… Lue led that meeting exactly as I would have. 

She has seen me lead client meetings a thousand times. I constantly say, “Yes! We can do that!” I enjoy making changes for a team to see while we’re meeting. And I’m always excited to surprise and delight our clients.

Lue didn’t just handle the meeting by herself. She filled my shoes!

But I’m not surprised. She has been observing me in action for two years. As a result, I have been inadvertently mentoring her.

Had I paused to recognize this before I asked Lue to handle the meeting for me, I could have intentionally mentored her. I could have provided her the context she needed and prepared her with a strategy.

So, I owed Lue an apology. I managed, but I forgot to mentor.

When we’re distracted managing expectations, we forget our teams learn by observing and modeling us. If we are committed to being better bosses, we must acknowledge this inadvertent mentoring and strengthen it with intentional mentoring. 

Lue figured out how to fill my shoes by watching me, but next time I’m committed to providing her with the shoelaces.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

The Contact Theory in action.

In 1954, social psychologist Gordon Allport published his interpersonal Contact Theory arguing that contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice and conflict in groups.

According to Allport, contact allows people to decrease or eliminate the assumptions, stereotypes, and anxiety that naturally occur among diverse groups of people.

He originated his theory around desegregation after WWII. Subsequently, social scientists and psychologists have applied Contact Theory to improve relations among groups diverse by age, gender, race, functions, and even personalities.

According to Contact Theory, four conditions are required to make the contact a valuable interaction where people learn about each other:

1. Shared goals
2. Common interests
3. Safety
4. Institutional support

This experience reduces preconceptions and increases empathy, thereby mitigating conflict.

Ironically, however, our natural inclination when in conflict with anyone is to avoid contact with that person, not seek it.

So how can we foster contact – even when there is an undercurrent of conflict or judgment? How can we promote the conversations essential to decreasing impatience, insularity, and intolerance?

Mentoring. Mentoring is fueled by shared goals, kindled through common interests; it demands emotional safety and thrives with institutional support.

To prioritize contact in any mentoring situation:

• Engage video, not just the phone
• Turn on the camera (even if you’re not “camera-ready!”)
• Start with small talk, evolve to large talk
• Lean in with your curiosity
• Leave out your preconceptions
• Aim for understanding

In our increasingly disconnected and contactless world, we should not be surprised that conflict is on the rise. It’s inevitable. But when we’re starved for connection, compassion, and collaboration, we must intentionally create contact.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

My first instinct was to blast the barista for making a mistake. (Dang! I love being right!)

But I tried something new instead… Space and Grace.

I said to her with genuine kindness and utmost curiosity, “Does that price seem high to you for the drink I ordered?”

She paused, looked at the register again, and gushed, “Yikes! I chose the wrong item! I apologize!”

And then we shared a laugh over the idea of a $7 hot chocolate!

I’ve noticed lately that my empathy muscle is atrophying. I’m showing up with a bit too much Bite and Fight – ready to attack a person instead of the problem.

So I’m experimenting with a different approach that has me ready for connection instead of confrontation, joy instead of judgment.

Space and Grace.

Space allows the other person to figure it out – whether it’s a project, a challenge, or an error.

This strategy, however, is enormously challenging for us, high-functioning managers, because we can easily do the task or fix the problem ourselves! But rushing to rescue a situation broadcasts our distrust that anyone would be able to get it done or fixed without us.

Grace extends patience and compassion instead of criticism and indictment as the person grapples with the situation or challenge. It’s choosing to be kind in the moment instead of intolerant.

Space allows someone the chance to be successful.
Grace allows them to grow and develop in the process.

But for Space and Grace to work, there must be a foundation of clear expectations assigned to the task, project, or challenge at hand – an agreement around deliverables and deadlines. Without expectations, Space and Grace leave people to flounder and flop.

Whether you’re managing or mentoring, Space and Grace will always outshine and outclass Bite and Fight.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com