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Just when we thought bullying was the most injurious, research reveals that ignoring is actually worse.

This reality can be explained by our basic human needs:

• to be recognized and accepted
• to interact, connect, and belong
• to matter

When we fight, at least we are interacting and connecting – the altercation evidence that the people in it actually exist.

But when we ignore someone, we reject, banish, and ostracize, confirming their fear of irrelevance.

As a result, ignoring easily leads to feelings of humiliation, helplessness, insecurity, and a motivation to quit.

…even when our actions are not about them, but merely a reflection of our own lack of courage or inability to confront.

Ignoring (intentionally or unintentionally) can take many forms:

• not responding to texts, emails, or calls
• not inviting or including someone
• not hearing (or pretending not to hear) a question/comment
• silent treatment

As with all experiences, ostracism is the in the eye of the sufferer, not the culprit. Our own perception or projected response becomes insignificant.

So, short of coddling everyone on our team, what should we do? Help people matter.

• respond and recognize
• include and interact
• argue and altercate
• confront and clarify
• dig in and empathize
• and communicate when we can’t

It takes arrogance or cowardice to ignore someone. But it takes courage to respect their contribution, even if we dislike it, them, or the situation.

Ultimately, we are better leaders when we confront instead of cower, and include (even incite!) instead of ignore.

South Carolina Gamecocks beat the Duke Blue Devils in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament in a major upset this week.

But it was the Gamecocks Coach Frank Martin’s display of unabashed passion and courage that was most remarkable.

Outside the stadium before the game in Greenville, SC, protestors positioned a large Confederate flag, ensuring everyone would see it waving in the wind as they entered.

In the post-game press conference, Coach Martin intentionally commented where others might cower.

He could have ignored the controversy. He could have just basked in the glory that his team was headed to the Sweet 16 for the first time ever.

But Coach Martin believed strongly that:

• not saying something would be saying something
• not saying something would be condoning the flag’s negative message
• not saying something would be a missed opportunity

Here are some highlights from his speech:

• “It’s [the protesting Confederate flag] unfortunate, but it’s America. We have freedoms. People have freedoms to do whatever they want to do with themselves and their property.”
• “There are things out there that I don’t like. But I can’t force people to do what I want them to do.”
• “All I know is this unbelievable university and state has taken in a son of Cuban immigrants that’s married to a Jamaican woman, has mixed kids, and they’ve treated me like I’m one of their own from Day 1.”
• “I wouldn’t want to coach in any other state or with any other group of people or for any other bosses than the ones I’ve got.”

We may not get a press conference for our achievements like Coach Martin, but every day we have the opportunity to exude passion for our work, genuinely appreciate our bosses and our peers, stand up for what we believe in, and model courage for the people on our teams.

My ten-year-old nephew, Joaquin, is dauntless.

He will try any new toy, game, sport, or instrument. He’s on the swim team, plays violin in an orchestra, loves basketball, inhales video games, and is learning archery, snowboarding, and surfing.

And he is perseverant in improving his skills in each new activity.

Recently he was eager to experience Guitar Hero, a video game in which players strum a guitar-shaped game controller and match notes that scroll on the screen in time to the music in order to score points and keep the virtual audience delighted (not disappointed).

After playing a while, Joaquin turned with tears in his eyes and said, “Every time I mess up, my band boos me.”

While he was prepared to make mistakes, he wasn’t prepared to be boo-ed as he learned the game.

None of us are! When we are in the process of learning and growing, getting boo-ed can quickly crush our oomph.

And yet people regularly boo each other, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes in jest:

• discouraging or dissuading statements (“No. That won’t work.”)
• judging, mocking, ridiculing, or deprecating
• scoring anonymous surveys unreasonably low
• submitting unkind comments or reviews online
• leaving bad tips

Wait! Don’t we need to provide people with feedback to help them learn? Absolutely!

But unkind comments, unreasonably low scores, and bad tips are rarely accompanied by recommendations for improving. They merely serve to dignify the boo-er.

To serve another person’s success in learning, our responses, comments, and scores need to contribute to, not contaminate, the process.

Being a contribution to people as they learn and grow means our feedback must make them feel superior, not us.

Less boos, more woo-hoo’s.

When Uber CEO Travis Kalanick’s emotionally unintelligent outburst was caught on dash cam, leaders everywhere choked, “What were you thinking, Travis?” He wasn’t.

Here’s what happened…

Travis and his Uber driver were discussing the future of ride-sharing when the driver passionately expressed his upset about recent changes at Uber, ultimately blaming Travis.

Instead of asking questions or sharing his own perspective in in a way that preserved respect and forwarded the conversation, Travis hurled a personal insult at the driver, slammed the door, and ran away. Like a child.

And the driver? He rated Travis with one star.

So why do adults emote so ignorantly?

• We operate oblivious to the impact of our words
• We act surprised that others even have emotions!
• We are ill-prepared to respond when they express those emotions, especially ones that feel like a
• personal attack
• And in a fight-or-flight mode, we forget everything we’ve ever read on emotional intelligence

To emote smarter, we need to prepare like a pilot.

Pilots use scenario-based training to mentally prepare for various situations. Routinely, they consider all aspects of a flight and make realistic contingency plans to deal with unexpected events… before taking off.

The rest of us? We go in unprepared and then get defensive, insult, shut down, run away, avoid, ignore, pout, berate, deride, or explode.

So how can we prepare like a pilot?

• Consider all scenarios of a conversation or a situation… before going in
• Make realistic contingency plans for unexpected emotions
• Practice responses to unexpected emotions, especially ones that will feel personal
• Apologize immediately when a contingency plan fails and our defenses get triggered

We can be emotionally smarter if we spend time preparing for the inevitable emotions of others, regardless of our titles and the presence of a dash cam!

In the National Geographic documentary entitled, Gender Revolution, the host Katie Couric, quoting Dr. Oz, emphasized, “It’s hard to hate up close.”

Such a powerful statement. Think of the prolific hatred online, people passing judgment over complete strangers while hiding behind a keyboard…

What does this have to do with our commitment to lead while managing? Everything.

It’s not just hard to hate up close; it’s hard to distrust up close.

As managers who lead, we are in a constant battle with distrust – it rages like wildfire. And when distrust looms, it is nearly impossible for us to make a difference with people.

So how does “up close” alter distrust?

Disconnection breeds distrust. The more disconnected people are from each other, the more they assume, speculate, and postulate. Essentially we make up stories. And unchecked, stories yield suspicion and distrust.

But when we are “up close” with people, we get to know them and they get to know us. We discover their experiences, we invalidate our stories. And from this personal connection, trust flourishes.

So our priority needs to be: get up close with our people.

• Be curious about others
• Ask about their experiences – personally and professionally
• Stop relying on email and texts to connect and communicate
• Pick up the phone
• Use video conferencing (this is a game-changer for my team)
• Show up in person – be with people
• Seek their side of the story
• Address conflict intentionally
• Create together – plans, ideas, solutions

As we connect with people personally, our assumptions, fabrications, and speculations about them – and theirs about us – evaporate. And that allows trust to prosper.

We just need to get up close.

Why did you succeed? I worked really hard.

Why didn’t you succeed? The weather, the traffic, my computer, the regulations, my boss, my peers, my car, the company policies. I’ve been so busy! The dog ate my homework. The serpent beguiled me.

This is the Self-Serving Bias in action.

A behavioral influence in which we take credit for our successes, while blaming external circumstances for our shortcomings, disappointments, and failures.

Of course we do! We’re boosting our confidence while protecting our self-esteem!

There are 2 problems with blaming circumstances:

1. People absolve themselves of personal responsibility. As a result, they become a victim under their circumstances, leaving little room to become a victor over them.

2. People fail to evaluate all the information available to them (internal and external roadblocks), resulting in poor decisions.

As leaders, how do we lead people out of their own way? With the Lasso of Truth.

Wonder Woman used a truth-compelling lasso. We can employ truth-compelling questions (just imagine the twirling lasso!):

• What role have you played in your success or disappointment?
• If we look at only controllable factors, which ones attributed to your success or failure?
• From your perspective, what specific actions/behaviors did you take or should you have taken?
• What actions/behaviors can you change moving forward to change your results?

When we allow people to point fingers at external circumstances, we condone their victim status, and they stay stuck. Stuck people, stuck team, stuck leader.

But when we help people focus on controllable factors (their actions and behaviors!), we lead them out of their own way.

People at my Super Bowl party were starting to leave. The ending was all but inevitable, as the Falcons were up 28-3 in the third quarter.

And then the game got interesting. The Patriots came back with a vengeance, winning 34-28 in the first-ever overtime in Super Bowl history.

We can glean a trite lesson like, “never give up.”

But the real lesson for us as leaders comes from the head coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick whose mantra is: do your job. Since 2000, he’s used this truism to coach the Patriots through 305 games (winning 225) and 7 Super Bowls (winning 5).

There’s no greater test for us as leaders than supporting our people from the sidelines, completely unable to rescue them.

What can we possible do from the sidelines? Cheer. Motivate. Yell. Scream. Scold. Cajole. Plead. Berate. Threaten.

Or we can do what Belichick has been successfully doing for 17 years: instill discipline.

“Do. Your. Job.” is Belichick’s philosophy that reminds his team to:

• worry about your own job, effort, results
• know the guy next to you is doing his job
• count on your peers and they’ll count on you

With this simple yet potent formula, Belichick calms his team in the midst of chaos and overwhelm. He uses it to focus them, eliminate distractions, demand readjustment, enlist improvement, and emphasize accountability.

No doubt at half-time, Belichick once again reminded his team to “just do your job.”

We lead when we coach our people from the sidelines, and we lead best when we focus them on the one thing that everyone on the team is counting on them to do… their job.