Blog Archives - Page 45 of 55

0 What You Tolerate and Promote is What You Get

In an interview for the New York Times, Tae Hea Nahm, managing director of Storm Ventures, questioned the exercise of declaring values to create culture in an organization. He said, “Culture is defined by compensation, promotions, and terminations. Basically, people seeing who succeeds and fails in the company defines culture. T

he people who succeed become role models for what’s valued in the organization and that defines culture.”

Essentially, what you tolerate and promote is what you get. Values are aspirational, but people believe the actions and consequences they observe over the words they read.

As an example, if we tolerate bad bosses and bullies, we demonstrate that poor leadership and bullying are acceptable. And when we promote bad bosses and bullies to higher roles, we concede that poor leadership and bullying are not only acceptable, they’re valued.

Consequently, written proclamations such as, “We treat each other with respect” and “Leaders serve the success of others” are quickly ignored or disparaged.

A COO once said to me, “We’re not going to deal with that VP’s awful leadership style until the body count is high enough.”

In other words, we’re tolerating him until enough people leave. Eventually when his team’s turnover hit 100%, she fired him.

The COO didn’t just miss the opportunity to communicate that the VP’s behavior is unacceptable, she missed the opportunity to promote a culture of respect, accountability, and courage.

Culture isn’t written on paper; it’s created in our actions and behaviors, including those we tolerate and promote.

The Secret to Good Drivers and Bosses ….Predictability

In August when a van crossed directly in my path like a deer, I didn’t see it …until I crashed into it. The airbags went off, my car was destroyed. It was completely unpredictable. (Fortunately, no one was hurt.)

It’s predictability that allows thousands of drivers to safely traverse freeways at 70mph during rush hour. We can predict what other drivers are going to do because of their break lights, their turn signal indicators, and even their horns.

But when a car races by like Mario Andretti, dodging between vehicles without any indication, we are all forced to deal with the driver’s unpredictability. This causes fear, anger, and sometimes accidents.

Similarly, it’s our unpredictability as a boss that causes the most challenges for our teams.

When people can predict how we will operate, they can better engage with and support us. But when we change lanes without warning, our unpredictability causes frustration, aggravation, and often conflict. And this fractures the foundation of trust we need to lead.

What makes us unpredictable? Our…

foggy communications
unclear expectations
failure to respond or share information
emotional outbursts
unexplained changes
lack of follow-up and accountability

As an example, when we change directions without any conversation or get mad at someone without any explanation, we are like a bad driver changing lanes without signaling.

By becoming more predictable through our communications, we can not only foster more effective relationships, we can actually develop people in the process. How? Sharing our approach to various situations and decisions actually allows others to learn and improve.

Ultimately, when we are predictable in relationships, we can best respond, support, and serve each other’s success. Predictability makes driving cars, teams, and families actually work …without accidents.

Could the Law of Polarity Make Us More Compassionate?

The Law of Polarity states that everything has a polar opposite.

In physics, polarity is a basic feature of the universe. Positive and negative forces are foundational to the structure of every atom.

If everything has a polar opposite, then perhaps…

a problem cannot exist without a solution
an opinion cannot exist without an opposing opinion

Maybe the struggle we have lies in our failure to contemplate a solution or consider an opposing opinion.

As an example, Peter and Mary work as sales reps at an event company that just implemented a new policy whereby customers will not be charged for cancellations.

Peter is frustrated by the policy. He orders lunches and copies based on reservations. Why should he have to pay for no-shows? And how could he possibly manage his sales with such uncertainty? This policy makes it super easy for people to cancel. Mary has the polar opposite perspective and approach.

Mary is enthusiastic about the policy because of its ability to attract customers. In every sales conversation, she excitedly shares the benefit of working with her company: people can register now to save their seat and cancel any time. This policy makes it super easy for people to commit. Mary’s sales have gone up, while Peter’s have gone down.

Same policy. Opposing perspectives.

What if every problem we face actually has a solution that we just haven’t yet identified?
What if every argument has an opposing viewpoint that we just need to consider?
What if every negative experience has a positive experience that we just need to discover?

Of course, all of this requires that we suspend our judgment about a policy, situation, or person in favor of contemplation, consideration, and compassion.

I Want to Lead Like Yankees Manager Joe Girardi

NY Yankees Manager Joe Girardi made an error.

It was the bottom of the sixth inning in Game 2 of the ALDS against the Cleveland Indians. With two runners on bases and two outs, a batter foul-tipped a pitch off the knob of his bat. The umpire called it a “hit-by-pitch” which automatically walked the batter to first base. Girardi failed to challenge the call as a “strike” (which could have ended the inning). The next batter hit a grand slam, and the Indians eventually won the game.

Girardi was quickly criticized by fans and foe alike. And prior to Game 3 at Yankee Stadium, the crowd (Yankee fans!) booed Girardi.

His response, however, demonstrated his temperament, wisdom, and fortitude.

He said, “It’s no fun to be booed. But [the fans] are passionate and they want to win, and they get upset when we don’t win or when someone makes a mistake in their eyes. But you get the good side [of their passion] too. So that’s the trade-off. The only thing I can do is give my best to this team moving forward. And that’s what I’ll do.”

Girardi could have met haters with hate. He could have deflected attention from his mistake by pointing to others’ shortcomings. He could have defensively explained how hard his job is and how much he sacrifices to be a manager.

Instead Girardi remained unruffled. He made their boo’ing about his decision, not about him personally.

How? By looking for the why beneath their reaction: their passion. He acknowledged fans for it; he didn’t make them wrong for it.

It’s easy to react with anger and defensiveness. It’s even human nature to take things personally.

But it takes a Manager who Leads to respond with maturity, grace, and courage.

We Have Two Life Stories – Which One Runs Your Day?

We each have two life stories:

the one behind us, and
the one in front of us

The story behind us is our history, our experiences, our scars, our lessons learned. The story in front of us is our future, experiences to have, scars to acquire, lessons to learn.

The story behind us is rich with insights, perspective, and wisdom.
The story in front of us is ripe with opportunity, landscape, and wisdom to gain.

The story behind us is our comfort zone.
The story in front of us is our expandable, stretchable comfort zone.

The story behind us is our normal.
The story in front of us is our new normal.

We teach and mentor others based on the story behind us. We seek teachers and mentors for the story in front of us.

The story behind us is a colorful painting we created.
The story in front of us is a blank canvas ready to be painted.

The story behind us is unchangeable.
The story in front of us is ours to unfold.

Every morning we wake to one story we can do nothing about.
Every morning we wake to another story we can do everything about.

Is Being Right Getting in Your Way of Being in Relationship?

A mom wrote to the Social Qs columnist in the New York Times about her adult daughter, an actress who stars in many theater productions. Apparently, the daughter gets upset when the mom doesn’t bring flowers to every opening night or doesn’t compliment every performance.

The mom’s side: She’s being dramatic. I don’t think every performance or production is worthy of flowers or compliments.

Social Qs response: You could be right… and you get to choose. You can be right or you can be in relationship with your daughter.

Brilliant!

“Being right” typically stems from our upset when someone has not met our engagement expectations.

As an example, we expect a colleague to get back to us. When he doesn’t, we get frustrated or upset. And we justify our upset by being right and making him wrong.

But focusing on being right about the situation makes it difficult to improve the process and move forward in our relationship with our colleague.

Why? Because “being right” involves criticizing, blaming, and judging. And no one likes being in a relationship feeling criticized, blamed, and judged. It threatens the relationship’s foundation of trust.

Kenneth Ziegler, CEO of Logicworks, gets it. He works with, in his words, incredibly intelligent, whimsical personalities who often engage like a dysfunctional family. But Ziegler says his job is to make people successful. So he exercises patience for the varying degrees of dysfunction, as long as people follow the rules and don’t act like they’re more important than the company or their team.

Ziegler understands that to help people be successful, he needs to be in relationship with them. Making people wrong about how they function and engage would threaten those relationships and sabotage his commitment.

Joy at work and in life depends on our relationships.

Suddenly, being right seems so sophomoric.

Are You Comparing Your Insides to Their Outside?

Marcia Washington, an Australian musician and songwriter, received Best Female Artist and Breakthrough Artist awards in 2010. She is so popular in Australia that she is known mononymously as “Washington.” She sings and plays piano and guitar. She’s young, adorable, stylish, and living her passion. She is the envy of many.

And yet what we don’t see on the outside is Marcia’s exhausting insecurity over her speech challenges. When she’s not in front of an audience, Marcia painfully stutters.

Alcoholics Anonymous members often quote the axiom: “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.”

Our feelings. Their appearances.

When we compare our self-doubts and fears (our insides) to other people’s bravado, possessions, adventures, and Facebook updates (their outsides), we sabotage our confidence and risk our success.

The reality is that Facebook posts do not reveal the whole story. People are constantly painting a positive self-portrait in order to salvage their own self-esteem.

So how do we stop the seemingly inevitable comparison?

Break the voyeuristic addiction to social media (it’s just a self-portrait!)
Up the compassion quotient (remember, everyone struggles with something)
Engage a reality check (every hotshot is battling an insecurity)
Create authentic conversations (bring your insides and outsides together)
Watch the movie Inside Out
Read the book Everybody Lies
Forgive… ourselves and others

The only person we should be comparing ourselves to today is the person we were yesterday… Are we wiser and kinder today than we were yesterday?

From Jersey Strong to Florida Resilient

When I learned about a woman in Miami who delivered her own baby during Hurricane Irma, I knew Floridians would endure.

While first responders could not physically reach the woman in labor due to the torrential winds and rain, a doctor, a dispatcher, and paramedics coached her through her own labor via a conference call.

That’s resilience – the ability to recover from adversity, and persevere. And it’s their own resilience that will galvanize Floridians.

When Superstorm Sandy hit New Jersey in 2013, the downgraded Category 1 hurricane left my town without power for a week. And that felt apocalyptic. But it pales in comparison to the catastrophic devastation that the ferocious Category 4 Hurricane Irma just inflicted on Florida.

And yet, in the weeks and months ahead, we will bear witness to remarkable determination, tenacity, and grit.

The people of Florida will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes.

And when they do, they will inspire and embolden the rest of us to triumph over whatever challenge or misfortune we may face.

The phrase “Jersey Strong” became the mantra that reminded New Jerseyans daily that they are stronger than the storm.

Floridians will need their own battle cry, and “Florida Resilient” seems appropriate already!