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I have a confession… I’ve been kissing a lot of worms lately.

Figuratively, not literally.

I keep getting in the weeds on projects – I’m so far in that I’m kissing worms. For example, Cindy on my team took the initiative to set up a follow-up meeting with a client. I insisted on participating and then I monopolized the conversation. I didn’t need to. She is the consummate client engagement specialist.

So why am I suddenly micromanaging?  Well if I’m honest, I’ve been traveling a lot, the team is growing, and I’m feeling disconnected and less relevant.

Insecurity is at the root of all worm-kissing:

• We don’t know people’s skills or experiences.
• We’re confounded by the importance of the situation or task.
• We feel left out of the loop and therefore vulnerable.
• And sometimes we’re avoiding other aspects of our job where we feel less proficient.

As managers, we’re masterful at kissing worms – managing the heck out of projects made us successful in the first place! But the problem with kissing worms:

• Our distrust bruises morale (and breeds distrust).
• We solve problems for people, which hampers their growth.
• We aren’t teaching, coaching, training, or developing.
• We become overwhelmed – with our work and theirs.
• We can’t take on new projects or strategize about the big picture.

Granted, some situations warrant our increased involvement, but we can view the weeds without diving into them:

• Agree on a schedule for receiving updates
• Discover people’s skills and experiences
• Share context and content
• Ensure people have what they need to be successful
• Encourage questions and ideas
• Allow people to fail and learn

To be a better boss, we must delegate to develop, grow, and recognize people.  In other words… kiss people, not worms (figuratively, not literally).

ps. If you are burdened by a boss who loves to kiss worms, just commit to over-communicating.

Golden State Warriors are in the NBA Finals… again! And Coach Steve Kerr’s strategically choreographed halftime routine undoubtedly contributes to that success.

“Clip that!” Throughout the first half of every game, Warriors coaches call out, “Clip that!” to identify a great play by the Warriors to be edited from video footage.

Replay the Highlights
Then in the locker room at halftime, Coach Kerr replays 8-10 video clips to highlight the Warriors’ defensive moves, strategic offensive plays, and dexterity in moving the ball down the court.

Labeling
Coach Kerr is leveraging a behavioral influence called “Labeling” – people tend to mold their actions based on a label they are given. People then reinforce the label when they adopt the characteristics (the actions!) of that label.

By replaying the highlights of his team’s champion moves, Coach Kerr labels them “champions,” which then influences them to play like champions in the second half.

And it works. The Warriors are notorious for dominating the second half of every game, regardless of how they played in the first half.

We too can “Clip that!” to label our people “champions”…

1. Celebrate wins Real estate manager Gailene posts gold stars on her office door with each week’s listings and sales along with the responsible agents’ headshots.

2. Circulate success stories Jose shares people’s success stories in meetings and in monthly internal newsletters.

3. Request and share client feedback After each project, Shanya asks clients for a testimonial about her people to showcase the difference they made. 

4. Capture and applaud people’s ideas, insights, and innovations Raj keeps a journal so he can spotlight people’s contributions during 1:1s and in his handwritten notes to them.

5. End each meeting with a recap of the highlights Invite everyone to call “Clip it!” throughout the meeting!

By labeling people great today, we can influence them to be great again tomorrow.

According to research:

• 65% of employees want more feedback from their boss
• 72% believe their performance would improve if their boss offered more feedback

And yet feedback continues to be hijacked.

Why? Because, in spite of its enormous value, it can be confronting. Ultimately feedback reveals us to ourselves.

Consequently, people avoid asking for it, while bosses avoid giving it.

Why the antics? Because people assume all feedback is negative (even when it’s cleverly labeled “constructive”). And negative feedback feels critical and judgmental.

So what? Get thicker skin, right? Well, here’s the psychological skinny on criticism… the brain processes criticism as a threat to our survival. More specifically, when we are criticized, we cognitively feel the threat of being excluded from a group… even when the feedback is completely accurate.

So how can we offer the feedback that people want and need in order to grow, without triggering their fears of being excluded or ostracized?

Be a mirror.

A mirror offers a reflection. It allows people to see what they cannot see on their own: their face, their teeth, their hair, their outfit. All without the mirror’s judgment or criticism (unless you’re Snow White, of course).

As a boss, we can similarly help people see what they cannot see. We can offer a reflection of their actions, efforts, and behaviors that they might not be able to (or want to) see with their own eyes.

How?

• Invite: “Would it help to hear my perspective?”
• Express: “I’m happy about… I’m worried about…”
• Reflect: “I’ve noticed… I’ve observed…”
• Involve: “What do you see?”

When we are committed to contributing to someone’s success, we can serve as their mirror by offering a valuable perspective, while mitigating the innate fears that criticism triggers. 

We just kicked off another leadership mentoring program for one of our clients.

And I’m bracing myself for the inevitable… Before the end, someone in the program will confess, “I’m so busy. I haven’t connected with my Mentor.”

Of course you’re busy! That’s how you got into the program. By successfully doing a lot of things – by being really great at your job.

Here’s the acute reality: there is nothing urgent about mentoring.

Mentoring is important but it is not urgent. And that’s why we need to do it.

If we are committed to successfully managing AND leading, it’s imperative that we learn how to distinguish and serve the urgent (the issues, the immediate needs, the emergencies) while making time for the important. It’s a critical, yet overlooked distinction of strong leadership.

So how should we define “important”?

• growing ourselves and others
• honing skills and creating new experiences
• discovering fresh approaches and perspectives
• collaborating, innovating, and improving
• recognizing, appreciating, and celebrating others
• connecting and building trusting relationships

By participating in a mentoring relationship, we have the opportunity to practice the art of intentionally advancing the important while effectively managing the urgent.

And if we can learn how to make time for the important-but-not-urgent, we’ll have an impact at work (and in life) well beyond our job titles. 

So how do you advance the important while managing the urgent?

• Find something to care about (what’s important to you?)
• Master communications (listening, speaking, expectations, conflict)
• Learn to delegate effectively (develop, don’t dump!)
• Tackle procrastination and time-zappers

Frankly, I don’t care if participants accomplish their goals in the mentoring program. I only care that they care.

When we are intentional with our time, our relationships, and our communications, we can undertake the important-but-not-urgent, navigate the urgent, and make a difference that ripples.

A foundational rule in improvisational comedy is to “start with Yes!”

Performers are taught to accept whatever is offered in the dialogue and then expand on it. (ex: “I am the king of the world!” “Yes, I can see by the kangaroo on your head that it’s going well!” If instead I respond, “No, you’re not,” our exchange quickly deflates.)

In life starting with “Yes!” creates positive connection, fuels trust, and inspires creativity and collaboration.

As managers, we instinctively aim for a solution, deferring to our intelligence, experience, tenure, or title. In doing so, we often thwart people’s suggestions with our wisdom: “No, that doesn’t work.” “No, it’s not done that way.” “No, it’s not possible.”

But we don’t intend to denigrate others’ ideas. We actually go-to-no because we naturally feel it’s our job to save people, projects, and situations from calamity.

So what would happen if we experimented with Yes!…

Shelley Broader, CEO of Chico’s, a women’s clothing boutique, did just this.

Most retailers abhor Amazon; but condemning the behemoth doesn’t abate its impact.

Broader shifted Chico’s approach by experimenting with “Yes!” Instead of resisting the reality of Amazon, she embraced it.

Chico’s is now selling its merchandise on Amazon and allowing customers to easily return their purchases in any store or bring them in to be matched with additional items, like accessories.

The result? In-store sales have increased!

By starting with “Yes!”, Chico’s is expanding brand awareness, making it easy to do business with Chico’s, and attracting new foot traffic.

We too can shift from go-to-no to start-with-Yes!

Experiment with these phrases:

• Interesting, tell me more.
• How could we make that work?
• What can we do differently?
• Let’s explore that.

And the benefit of saying “Yes!” more often? Optimism… a characteristic we crave in leaders.

Napoleon Bonaparte said, “A leader is a dealer in hope.”

That describes every start-up CEO I represented as a corporate attorney in Silicon Valley. Each one was hard-working and demanding. Yet each one intentionally painted a picture of the future to inspire people to join the company and contribute to its success.

Research conducted by Gallup asked 10,000 individuals what they want from their boss, and they discovered four overarching desires:

• Compassion: care personally and individually
• Stability: job constancy
• Trust: behavioral predictability
• Hope: inspiration for a better future

Hope is the conviction that our work today actually matters and that tomorrow will be even better as a result.

So how can we practically “deal in hope” on a regular basis?

• Shout a battle cry (a vision, a purpose)
• Choose positive, encouraging language (“That was a great insight.”)
• Connect activity with impact (“Your work makes a difference because…”)
• Employ inspirational posters, emails, and tag lines (“Success is on the other side of fear”)
• Be a role model (people mold their own behavior by watching what we do)
• Recognize effort (“I appreciate your attempt at helping the client.”)
• Celebrate small victories (“We’re getting closer! woo-hooo!”)
• Express belief in others (“You can do this!”)

The opposite of dealing in hope is trafficking in fear. And fear shuts down motivation, enthusiasm, collaboration, and innovation. Just ask anyone who hates their boss. They don’t feel hope. They feel fear… fear of being judged, criticized, blamed, and even fired.

Jeff, a manager in one of my Managing and Leading programs, shared how he regularly deals in hope. He doesn’t just delegate an assignment or project; he makes an invitation with a simple yet powerful phrase delivered enthusiastically, yet sincerely:

“This is your chance for greatness.”