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My first long distance bike ride was in 1997 when I cycled from San Francisco to Los Angeles in the California AIDSRide. I loved it!

Since then I’ve cycled across the country, up the East coast, down the West coast, Iowa RAGBRAI, MS Rides, Double Centuries, Crater Lake to Yosemite, and Banff to Yellowstone.

And tomorrow I launch my next cycling adventure around the Green Mountains in Vermont for a week with my biking buddy in a self-supported (carrying-our-own-stuff) ride.

As I reflect on 22 years of seeing the country from my bike, I wondered about my penchant for seeking new experiences. 

And then I discovered neuroscientist David Eagleman.

Eagleman posits that when we inject novelty into our lives, we prevent the blur of months and years. Without novelty, time seems to pass quickly (“the older we get the faster time flies!”)

In reality time blur occurs because the older we get, the less that’s new to us. We only drove for the first time once. We only graduated from high school once. We only got our first job once.

Eagleman’s research shows that our brains record new, exciting experiences differently than routine experiences.

• First memories are thick and durable
• Routines are flimsy and forgettable

Seeking novelty helps us slow down the clock of our lives.

So how can we inject novelty into our routine?

• Find an inventive route to work
• Dine at an unusual restaurant
• Seek out new-to-you events or festivals
• Banter with strangers
• Travel to different places
• Tackle a challenge/presentation at work
• Schedule creative team-building activities
• Join a mentoring program in a new role
• Try skydiving, ballooning, or a segue

Undoubtedly our default mode is comfort, consistency, and convenience. But introducing fresh experiences halts the blur of time and forces us to live in moments.

My favorite column in Sunday’s New York Times is “Social Q’s” penned by Philip Galanes.

Philip answers social etiquette questions in the style of “Dear Abby.” And his comments are always refreshingly candid.

Recently someone wrote to Philip about a friend whose is engaged to a much younger man: “The relationship is inappropriate and poses risks to her. At best she makes it out with a bruised heart. At worst she marries the man and finds herself financially and emotionally ruined. What do I owe my friend?”

Highlights of Philip’s particularly mercurial response include:

• I know you’re trying to look out for your friend.
• But your question is loaded with ungenerous assumptions (and unfounded catastrophes)
• Is this adult woman really such a fool that she needs you to navigate her love life?
• If so, it’s a pity she hasn’t asked for your help. Until she does, I’d keep quiet.
• Why not celebrate her joy for however long it lasts? Life is short.

Philip’s pointed response gave me pause…

Admittedly I’ve catastrophized and judged friends’ joy before. And I’ve experienced other people’s catastrophizing.

So why do we feel the need to protect people from their own journey by offering unsolicited advice?

Psychologists have determined that advice-giving can stem from:

• genuine concern
• desire to help
• failure in empathy
• neglect for diverse perspectives
• assertion of dominance
• arrogance
• distrust

Ultimately, unsolicited advice feels like criticism, which threatens our autonomy. We hate being controlled and would prefer to make our own mistakes.

(Note: Unsolicited advice is different than useful, potentially life-saving or job-saving information. When we provide that information without advice, we protect someone’s freedom to choose what to do with the information. Ex: “There’s a tiger in the building.” vs. “You should leave the office because there’s a tiger roaming the halls.”)

So I’m committed to being vigilantly joyful instead of heedlessly judge-y. Unless someone specifically requests my advice, perspectives, ideas, mentoring, or help, I’m going to celebrate people’s joy and cheer them through their journey of learning.

I was registered for an OrangeTheory Fitness class this morning, but I didn’t want to go – I was so tired. However, I was too late to cancel without a penalty… And I’m so glad I didn’t – class was rejuvenating!

OrangeTheory Fitness (OTF) is a group fitness interval class incorporating rowers, treadmills, and weights. Since its launch in 2010, it has amassed a cult-like following.

Why? Because OTF uses 5 influencing strategies that we can exploit to make our own gatherings more irresistible and successful:

1. Commitment
At OTF each class is limited in size, and classes fill up quickly. So we register far in advance to reserve a spot. This forces us to plan and prioritize.

Commitments elevate the importance of events, and the added influence of scarcity drives people to take action.

2. Consequences
At OTF canceling within 8 hours of class results in a monetary charge.

With consequences, people tend to rise to their commitments instead of fall to their feelings (“I’m tired.” “I’m stressed.” “I’m busy.”)

3. Clarity
At OTF there are no surprises. The rules are clear, the room setup is consistent, and coaches demonstrate exercises, vigilantly track our time, and manage the flow between intervals.

People crave clear expectations in experiences and relationships.

4. Control
At OTF we wear heart-rate monitors to measure our effort throughout class. And flat screens around the room continuously display our heart rate zone, provoking us to work harder.

People just want to win, and they’ll exert the effort when success is in their control and measurable. 

5. Congratulations
When we arrive at OTF, coaches applaud us. And at the end of class, we each get a woo-hoo! email with our specific results.

People are emboldened by recognition.

Ensure participants in your meetings and programs…

• Make commitments
• Face consequences
• Receive clear expectations
• Control and measure their success
• Hear cheers for participating and congratulations for results!

Over the past month, I have:

• gone to the wrong gate at the airport
• disembarked a train at the wrong stop
• driven to the wrong address for a hotel
• and left my cell phone on top of the car as I drove onto the freeway

When I realized I had stopped paying attention, I knew it was time to go on vacation!

While my week away was refreshing, I did wonder… how had I become so scattered? So I did some research.

John Medina, author of the book Brain Rules, explains, “We are biologically incapable of processing attention-rich inputs simultaneously.” In other words, we cannot multitask – our brains can only focus on one idea at a time.

And then my research revealed a Focus Superpower: Questions!

Questions momentarily hijack our thought process. When our brain hears a question, it automatically triggers a mental reflex which contemplates the answer. And when that happens, the brain cannot think about anything else. It’s focused solely on the question.

So I practiced my Focus Superpower on vacation:

• Why are there so many butterflies?
• What is it like for people who live here year round?
• When should I bike around the lake?

Just by asking myself a question, I forced myself to focus.

I also discovered that this Focus Superpower works on others – I can get anyone to momentarily focus by simply asking them a question (ex: What do you think of the butterflies?)

So now that I’m back in the real world, I’m exercising my Focus Superpower to be more purposeful:

• Am I going to the right address?
• What can I get done in the next hour?
• Why am I putting my cell phone on top of the car?

It seems obvious and yet the implications of an intentional pause are profound.

What do you think?

“The way we do anything is the way we do everything.”  ~ attributed to Martha Beck and Iyanla Vanzant,
each writers and television personalities

In other words, how we operate in one situation is typically indicative of how we act in other situations. Essentially people reveal themselves through their actions. 

And this is particularly apparent in mentoring.

In my most successful leadership mentoring programs, I incorporate a Mid-Point Presentation in which each Mentee presents a synthesis of their project, progress, and learnings to date.

Why? Because the Mid-Point invariably separates those in action from those stuck in aspiration.

Unfailingly right before the presentations, I get an email from someone bearing an excuse: “I’m just too busy!” “This is not for me.” “I need more time.” “My mentor hasn’t responded.” “My mentee never reached out.”

While I never force anyone to continue the program, I do suggest, without judgment, “The way we do mentoring is the way we do everything.”

And then I explain that transformation happens when you identify your patterns:

• Is procrastination a common theme for you?
• Do you have trouble holding people accountable?
• Do you tend to commit but fail to execute?
• Are you stuck in other areas in your life?
• Do you tend to avoid confrontation with others?
• Do you typically get overwhelmed?
• Are you struggling to create/execute goals in other areas of your life? Do you struggle helping others create/execute their goals?
• Do you lack clarity, initiative, or perseverance elsewhere?

We show up in mentoring the same way we show up in our jobs and in our lives.

Auspiciously, mentoring offers us an invaluable opportunity to see our blindspots and notice patterns of sabotaging behaviors.

Only then can we choose to continue or change our actions and ultimately our results.

In the past 18 months, I lost three long-term team members. One died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and two left for different careers.

Each loss was deflating… why did this happen to me?

As I transitioned unknowingly through Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (shock and denial, anger, despair, possibility, and acceptance), here’s what I discovered:

Change doesn’t just happen to us; Change happens for us.

Admittedly, I had become inattentive with my team, because everyone masterfully owned their own lane. The problem? No one entered anyone else’s lane.

I had failed to cross-functionally train myself and others. So when I lost these key people, chaos and uncertainty ensued.

Eventually I took responsibility:

I learned everyone’s job – I got into each lane!

I then eliminated the lanes – now, no one owns just one area

We started documenting all of our processes in job aides, quick guides, and videos

I launched a cross-training initiative, replete with shadowing and mentoring

And then I reinvented our structure: everyone on the team will know how to do any role to support a client and each other at any time.

The result? More connection, collaboration, and confidence within my team!

When change happens to us:

• We become victims
• We are at the mercy of circumstances
• We feel disempowered
• We get stuck, longing for how it used to be

When we allow change to happen for us:

• We can reinvent
• We learn and discover
• We feel empowered
• We aren’t stuck; we’re growing

People say they hate change. Perhaps we just need to embrace the opportunities that change offers us.

As John Lennon said, “Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”

When I exited the Baltimore train station, I requested an Uber. In less than a minute, Aaron my Uber driver arrived.

Me: “Wow! That was fast!”
Aaron: “I think like a Rider.”
Me: “Huh?”
Aaron: “If I want to be successful, I have to think like a Rider. I think about where my Riders will be and when they will be there. And that’s where I go: train stations, the airport, festivals on the weekend, and at night, the bars and casinos. I live in the country – nobody needs an Uber out there. And I can’t expect Riders to be where I am.”

Astutely Aaron considers what Riders care most about to determine his own actions. Riders want him to arrive quickly, know where he’s going, and get them there safely.

“Think like a Rider” is a powerful mantra for serving the success of others in any capacity:

• Think like a customer
• Think like a patient
• Think like your end user
• Think like an audience member
• Think like your boss
• Think like your employee
• Think like your mentee

When we “think like a Rider,” we take actions based on our specific Rider’s needs and perspectives. For example, we “think like a Rider” when we simply communicate in another person’s time zone when it’s different than our own.

Questions are the gateway to thinking like a Rider:

• What is most important to them?
• Where are they coming from and where are they going?
• What incentivizes them?
• What might be distracting them?
• What information do they require and in what format?
• What do they need to be successful and how can I contribute?

Aaron revealed at one point, “I wish the technology folks at Uber would think more like a driver.”

Secretly we all crave experiences where someone else considers us first…

Every morning my dogs wake me at 5:00am by licking my face energetically. We then walk one mile before the chaos of the day begins. To me, it’s joyful.

But does joy matter to our success?

According to Professor Barbara Fredrickson, a leading positive psychology scholar and researcher, it does.

Her Broaden and Build Theory argues that experiencing positive emotions (joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love):

• Broadens our perspective, allowing us to see possibilities
• Builds our resources and resilience needed to handle future challenges

Conversely, when we experience negative emotions (anxiety, sadness, anger, despair), our focus narrows, potential darkens, and we resort to habitual thinking, acting, judging, criticizing, and blaming.

Makes sense. If we’re worried or upset, we’re not looking for what’s possible. We’re shutting down, focused entirely on surviving the moment.

But when we’re feeling positive, we’re eager to learn, explore, and expand.

• From joy, we play, push the limits, act creatively, innovate
• From interest, we inquire, discuss, seek new information and experiences, grow and develop, collaborate
• From contentment, we appreciate life’s circumstances, incorporating them into our world-view
• From pride, we share about our achievements and then envision future achievements
• From love, we seek social connections

But it’s not about being positive or thinking positively. It’s about intentionally cultivating positive emotions in order to flourish at work and in life.

How? By doing that which brings us joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love

• for Joy: hobbies, games, adventures, sports, music, animals
• for Interest: books, classes, museums, travel, volunteering, mentoring
• for Contentment: a gratitude journal, meditation, yoga
• for Pride: talk about achievements, awards, and future plans
• for Love: spend time with family, friends, colleagues doing any of the above

Ultimately, positivity is a strength, a skill we can develop and prioritize, like a leadership competency.