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Invariably, they would respond, “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.”

Feeling very clever, I’d be ready with my retort, “Why was it fine/good/OK?”

Of course, they would try to derail me with, “I don’t know.”

Undeterred, I’d prolong this maddening, ineffective interrogation with, “If you did know, what would you say?”

They would stare at me dumbfounded. So, I’d try a different angle, “What was something funny that happened at school today?”

Inevitably, I would get, “Nothing.”

This awkward dance went round and round. And yet, I rarely learned anything new, and none of us felt connected in the exchange.

Now that my stepkids are adulting, I have new targets: my nephew Joaquin and my niece Lulu, 14 and 12, respectively. Like with my stepkids, I deliberately develop my relationship with Joaquin and Lulu.

The three of us went out to dinner last week, and I experimented with a different approach.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about homecoming.”
He regaled me with all the details.

I said to Lulu, “Tell me about your swim meet.”
She shared her triumphant adventures in the pool.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about high school.”
He gushed, “Aunt Ann! It’s so interesting! In grade school, they treated us like dogs. In middle school, they treated us like children. In high school, they treat us like adults. There are so many choices every day – classes, activities, clothing, food! There’s even a coffee shop!”

Had I simply asked, “How is school?” I probably would not have been rewarded with his reflection.

So now, I’ve been testing this approach with others.

“Tell me about your day,” I say to my husband as we cook. And I learn what’s weighing on him.
“Tell me about your vacation,” I said to a friend. And she excitedly explained her itinerary.
“Tell me about your weekend,” I said to another friend. And I learned about her experiences visiting colleges with her son.

“How are you?” “How’s your day?” “How’s it going?” are polite, transitory greetings. They don’t even necessitate a reply.

Whereas “Tell me about…” conveys sincere curiosity and a commitment to engage. It invites intentional, colorful conversation to which the other person often reveals what is most important to them. But it also demands a genuine interest in whatever is shared.

Even in casual conversations, people crave significance.

“How’s it going?” doesn’t demonstrate importance. But “Tell me about…” communicates to the other person that they matter.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

Driven by my commitment to mentor (and my birthday), I decided to explore these questions.

(1) What are the books you’ve given most as a gift, or what books have greatly influenced your life?

• The Magic of Thinking Big by David J Schwartz
• The Alchemist by Paul Coelho
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson
• Think Again by Adam Grant
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

(2) What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months?

My bicycle bell by Pro Bike Tool. After three decades of pedaling, I’ve finally stopped shouting “On your left!” to walkers on the bike path. Now I ring the bell, wave, and say, “Good morning!”

(3) How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success? Do you have a “favorite failure” of yours?

I launched a woman’s conference in 2004 entitled “Women’s Economic Power Day.” I expanded it in 2005, 2006, and 2007 to eight cities across the country. I proceeded with passion but without any plan. As a result, it was not sustainable, nor did I make any money. But I became an entrepreneur and a keynote speaker in the process. And I met some amazing women, many of whom I still count as friends today!

(4) If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it – metaphorically speaking, getting a message out to millions or billions – what would it say?

You are never stuck. 

(5) What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you’ve ever made?

The partnership with my husband. He gives me the space and grace to approach life as an adventure.

(6) What is an unusual habit or an absurd thing that you love?

Moving turtles off the road and freeing spiders from my house (and inevitably talking to them as I relocate these creatures).

(7) In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?

Every morning while walking my dogs, I listen to books on Audible. I’ve experienced profound and compelling books that I used to feel guilty about not reading.

(8) What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the “real world”?

No one will ever be as obsessed with your success as you are.  So, don’t wait for permission to take chances. Constantly improve yourself and your environment. Stop trying to impress everyone else. Just impress yourself. And seek to be of service – use your work to make a difference.

(9) What are bad recommendations you hear in your profession or area of expertise?

I cringe when I hear, “We should wait. People are too busy…” No, they’re not. They might be too distracted, derailed, or disorganized, but people are never too busy for what is important to them! It’s not time we need more of… it’s meaning.

(10) In the last five years, what have you become better at saying no to (distractions, invitations, etc.)? What new realizations and/or approaches helped?

Big parties or dinners. I realize how much I enjoy connecting in tiny groups replete with soul-filling conversations rather than constantly practicing my how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people skills in large gatherings. And frankly, I’m exhausted trying to make everyone happy.

(11) When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused or have lost your focus temporarily, what do you do?

I ask, “Why am I doing this? What’s the point? And will it matter next week, next month, or next year?” And I usually ask these questions while biking or walking my dogs.

This Reflection.
When I started this exercise, I intended to simply share some wisdom on my birthday.

But then I found myself pausing to reflect on and deeply appreciate my journey. And by articulating my insights, I substantially reinforced my learnings and even bolstered my confidence.

Sharing wisdom is its own development experience and ultimately an integral part of every Mentor’s growth journey (despite our fervent focus on the Mentees’ growth!).

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I asked Lue, our Director of Operations, to cover one of those meetings for me – a strategic session with the mentoring program team at a hospital.

When we connected afterward for a debrief, Lue expressed joy from her great meeting!

The team requested some changes to their mentoring program, and Lue earnestly said, “Yes! We can do that!” And then, she implemented the changes in the meeting for the team to see.

I heard the pride in Lue’s voice as she shared her experience – she had delighted this client!

But my knee-jerk reaction killed that joy. I blurted, “Oh no! Jane [the program lead’s boss] will not like that we made changes for one hospital but not all of them!”

Lue was apologetic but also defensive. She thought she had served the client well.

And then it hit me… Lue led that meeting exactly as I would have. 

She has seen me lead client meetings a thousand times. I constantly say, “Yes! We can do that!” I enjoy making changes for a team to see while we’re meeting. And I’m always excited to surprise and delight our clients.

Lue didn’t just handle the meeting by herself. She filled my shoes!

But I’m not surprised. She has been observing me in action for two years. As a result, I have been inadvertently mentoring her.

Had I paused to recognize this before I asked Lue to handle the meeting for me, I could have intentionally mentored her. I could have provided her the context she needed and prepared her with a strategy.

So, I owed Lue an apology. I managed, but I forgot to mentor.

When we’re distracted managing expectations, we forget our teams learn by observing and modeling us. If we are committed to being better bosses, we must acknowledge this inadvertent mentoring and strengthen it with intentional mentoring. 

Lue figured out how to fill my shoes by watching me, but next time I’m committed to providing her with the shoelaces.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Abel was convicted, and the CIA harassed Donovan to breach attorney-client privilege by revealing his conversations with Abel, which he refused to do.

In one scene with Donovan, Abel reflected: “You remind me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young.”

Abel continued, “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten.

“And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still, he got back to his feet. I think because of this, they stopped the beating. They let him live.

“‘Stoikiy muzhik,’ I remember them saying. ‘Stoikiy muzhik.’ Which sort of means, ‘standing man’…”

I frequently hear people complain about the lack of accountability in their organizations. But I rarely hear people talk about their own accountability.

Unfortunately, the word “accountability” has become loaded with confusion and a predisposition to indict. Dissected, it means able to account; willing to accept responsibility without condemning others; and owning one’s actions… regardless of circumstances, 

Standing Man.

He did not succumb to his situation. He did not blame or justify inaction with excuses. Standing Man accepted responsibility for his own actions despite the actions of the patrol guards. He persevered. 

Arguably, work would work better if we were among Standing Men (and Women). If everyone else would just be accountable…

But that’s the paradox of accountability.

• We cannot expect others to accept responsibility for their actions if we are unwilling to accept our own.
• We cannot demand others to engage without accusations and excuses if we are incapable of modeling such behavior.
• We cannot ask people to own their commitments, actions, and feelings if we refuse to do the same.

To embolden the Standing Man, we must first be the Standing Man.

onward,

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

This week’s episode involved Coach Lasso helping the team’s captain Isaac McAdoo get his mojo back. Isaac had been perpetually berating his team for their poor performance, blaming them, and no longer enjoying the game.

Coach Lasso enlisted the recently retired team captain Roy Kent to mentor Isaac, the new team captain.

But Roy is a curmudgeon who habitually sneers and scoffs at any whiff of inconvenience.

Begrudgingly he agreed to help once. Roy brought Isaac to a neighborhood soccer game to remind him that soccer is a game they both played as kids because it was fun… even when they got their feelings hurt.

“[Forget] your feelings, [forget] your overthinking, [forget] all that b.s. Go back out there and have some [freaking] fun!” Roy bellowed at Isaac.

Isaac did just that, and Roy unexpectedly discovered the satisfaction of making a difference. 

Strategically, while Roy was mentoring Isaac, Coach Lasso was mentoring Roy. He hoped Roy would join the team to mentor all the soccer players, but he knew he couldn’t convince Roy. Roy needed to convince himself.

Typically when people resist mentoring others, it’s because they don’t know why or how. Roy didn’t know why he should care, if his mentoring would matter, or how to mentor… until he actually mentored Isaac.

When you want someone to mentor you, create an opportunity for them to experience mentoring, and then allow them to discover for themselves the joy of making an impact.

How?

1. Identify someone you would like to emulate.
2. Share a situation and ask for their perspective.
3. Experiment with their advice.
4. Follow up to share your experience and insights.
5. Acknowledge the difference they made.
6. Ask for more advice.

If you want someone’s mentoring, you might have to mentor them to mentor you! 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

The Contact Theory in action.

In 1954, social psychologist Gordon Allport published his interpersonal Contact Theory arguing that contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice and conflict in groups.

According to Allport, contact allows people to decrease or eliminate the assumptions, stereotypes, and anxiety that naturally occur among diverse groups of people.

He originated his theory around desegregation after WWII. Subsequently, social scientists and psychologists have applied Contact Theory to improve relations among groups diverse by age, gender, race, functions, and even personalities.

According to Contact Theory, four conditions are required to make the contact a valuable interaction where people learn about each other:

1. Shared goals
2. Common interests
3. Safety
4. Institutional support

This experience reduces preconceptions and increases empathy, thereby mitigating conflict.

Ironically, however, our natural inclination when in conflict with anyone is to avoid contact with that person, not seek it.

So how can we foster contact – even when there is an undercurrent of conflict or judgment? How can we promote the conversations essential to decreasing impatience, insularity, and intolerance?

Mentoring. Mentoring is fueled by shared goals, kindled through common interests; it demands emotional safety and thrives with institutional support.

To prioritize contact in any mentoring situation:

• Engage video, not just the phone
• Turn on the camera (even if you’re not “camera-ready!”)
• Start with small talk, evolve to large talk
• Lean in with your curiosity
• Leave out your preconceptions
• Aim for understanding

In our increasingly disconnected and contactless world, we should not be surprised that conflict is on the rise. It’s inevitable. But when we’re starved for connection, compassion, and collaboration, we must intentionally create contact.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Albert proposed that the secret of success is forming the habit of doing things that others don’t like to do. He argued that successful people drive toward an outcome, while others choose comfort or ease.

Olympic athletes illustrate this concept. Their commitment to greatness consistently overrides any feelings of disinclination or discontent.

My favorite line in Albert’s speech is, “Habits form futures. If you do not deliberately form good habits, then unconsciously you will form bad ones.”

For example, when I’m working on ambitious goals, like cycling across the country or writing a book, I lean into good habits. I wake up at 5 am to train or write. I drink plenty of water, eat healthy foods, and eliminate time wasters from my routine.

But when my ambition is not on a mission, I quickly make excuses: “I’m tired. I deserve to relax. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. I’m too busy.”

Further in Albert’s speech, he said, “You are the kind of man you are because you have formed the habit of being that kind of man.”

In other words, you have the results you have because of the habits you maintain.

So, if you desire different results, adopt different habits.

What kind of habits? That depends on the results you want. Perhaps:

• Organizational habits
• Time management habits
• Self-promotional habits
• Communication habits
• Relationship-building habits
• Delegation habits
• Follow-up habits

The key to taking action is the hunger for a different result.

If you are happy with the results in your life, then congratulations! You have suitable habits!

But if you desire different results, then you need different habits.

Because your habits create your future.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com