Blog Archives - Page 31 of 55

[Flash] Unbelievably Fantastic! Don’t Fake Positivity…

Every morning Raul shows up at Starbucks, chooses a seat facing the door, opens his laptop, and promptly greets everyone who walks in the door.

Raul shouts, “Good morning! Howya doing?”
Random coffee-deficient people smile and respond, “Good! How are you?”
Raul bellows earnestly, “Unbelievably fantastic!”

I’ve been observing this exchange for years – his delivery never falters. And the affect is palpable – his energetic spirit lifts people’s moods.

Research suggests that positivity in the workplace:

Improves teamwork and relationships
Increases productivity
Enhances job satisfaction and retention
Bolsters performance and job growth
Reduces stress and health issues

The benefits are so critical that a Japanese railway company once deployed scanning software to check that its employees were enthusiastically grinning. Each morning employees were required to beam into a camera that rated the quality of their smile and offered advice on how to look less gloomy.

But research shows that cultivating real positivity is more powerful than pretending.

Deep Acting: really trying to be positive
Surface Acting: faking positivity (like forced smiling into a camera)

Deep Actors are positive for prosocial reasons – to improve the workplace; whereas Surface Actors are just trying to impress the boss and keep their job.

So how can we intentionally generate positivity at work (even if we lean a bit pessimistic)?

Some proven deep-acting approaches:

Laugh more
Gossip less
Keep a gratitude list
Mentor others
Be curious and interested in co-workers
Celebrate, cheer, acknowledge, recognize
Notice excellence
Repeat the good stuff you hear about others
Put things in perspective
Reframe negative situations into learning situations
Lower your expectations on things you cannot control
Focus on possibilities
Be kind – everyone is battling an inner voice

There’s no reason we can’t all be… unbelievably fantastic!

[Flash] Start in the Bleachers (Secret to Sharing Advice, Opinions, Ideas)

I have a bad habit… I regularly interject my unsolicited advice, opinions, and ideas.

Why?
1. I love solving problems.
2. I thrive on helping people.
3. I increase my power in relationships.

But by offering uninvited (even though enormously valuable!) advice and opinions, I’m essentially communicating to someone, “I don’t trust your judgment in this situation.” Yikes! How could anyone not feel criticized when I do that?

And when people feel judged and criticized, they stop trusting and sharing…

So I’ve decided to start in the bleachers.

When someone shares with me an issue or a problem, I’m going to intentionally grab a seat in those proverbial bleachers and cheer – not the situation, but the person for their efforts.

I’m going to cheer from the bleachers like a fan instead of shriek from the sidelines like a coach they didn’t hire, or worse, muscle onto the court like a teammate they didn’t want.

Because here’s the reality… if someone is sharing with me, I can know for certain that they want me to listen, show empathy, and be supportive.

From there I’ll consider how else I could contribute in that moment. And then I’ll ask if they want me to leave the bleachers to stand on the sidelines or get onto the court with them:
• Would you benefit from my perspective or experience?
• Do you need some help fixing this or do you just want to vent?
• Could you use some fresh ideas, advice, or resources?

This reserves for the other person some power in the situation, which strengthens their trust and spurs them to continue sharing.

Understandably, some situations require us to jump onto the court without permission. But even then the bleachers are a great place to start, allowing us first to assess the situation.

Trust is built on cheers, not fears.

[Flash] Feel Like a Stranger Among Strangers? Create Casual Friends

To escape the cold this winter, I moved my family to Charleston for a few months.

I didn’t realize how much I would miss having Casual Friends…

According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, we need low-stakes relationships or “Casual Friends” – our favorite barista, other dog owners, neighbors, people we see regularly at the gym or church.

A 2014 study concluded that we feel happier with more Casual Friends

they contribute to our sense of belonging to a community
they increase our satisfaction at work and in life

So how can we create more Casual Friends? With intentional banter!

Here’s the formula I’ve been experimenting with:

1. Ask a Question. People love giving answers – it makes them feel good about themselves. And it creates an instant connection.

2. Commiserate on a safe topic: weather, traffic, crowds, lines, noise. People bond over shared experiences.

3. Compliment something – it communicates respect and interest. People like people who like them.

Here’s how this worked recently in my fitness class:

I asked the woman next to me a question about the instructor’s cue
I then commiserated with her about the difficult workout
And then I complimented her on how easy she makes it look

Next time I saw her in class, I smiled and waved at my new Casual Friend.

Will we be best friends? No. I have enough of those. I just want to feel more connected to people around me and enjoy the moments.

While I am tempted to simply hide in my cell phone pretending to be busy, that won’t cure my stranger-among-strangers feeling.

So I’m practicing the Intentional Banter formula:

Question
Commiserate
Compliment
Smile
Wave
Repeat

And I’ve noticed that with more Casual Friends, I feel less like an impostor. Instead, I feel like I belong… and serendipitously, it helps others feel the same!

[Flash] Guessing Doesn’t Produce Greatness (just ask the Shark Tank)

On the reality show Shark Tank, entrepreneurs seeking an investment make business presentations about their company to a panel of investors (aka “Sharks”).

During each presentation, the Sharks question entrepreneurs about their business model, financials, and strategic plans for growth.

And when an entrepreneur estimates or speculates in response, the Sharks explode in exasperation! They are incensed, even insulted, that an entrepreneur would ask for money based on mere guesses about the health of their business.

Shark Robert Herjavec frequently scolds, “You gotta know your numbers!”

Sharks recognize that guessing doesn’t produce greatness.

Where are we guessing at the expense of our own greatness?

We don’t know our own numbers.
We don’t know our people’s strengths, weaknesses, and career goals.
We don’t know our boss’ priorities and needs.
We don’t know our customers’ needs, wants, obstacles, or upsets.
And then we assume others know our strengths, weaknesses, goals, needs, wants, obstacles, and upsets.

Why don’t we know? Why do we make assumptions about what others know?

We’re so busy! Right? We’re putting out fires. We’re consumed with emails, meetings, and calls. How quickly the urgent trumps the important.

But perhaps all that busyness is merely a diversion. Perhaps we:

are afraid to know the reality of a situation
dread making changes to improve the results we produce
don’t want to be responsible for success or failure

So how do we stop guessing?

for fitness, we have heart rate monitors and scales
for financials, we have spreadsheets
for vehicles, we have dashboards
for people, we have assessments and surveys

But to really own a situation and the results we want, we need to ask better questions and engage in intentional, sometimes unnerving or uncomfortable, conversations.

When we’re committed to greatness, we must stop guessing and start gauging.

[Flash] Is Gumption Taught, Wrought, or Caught?

In high school, I discovered my passion in a Business Law class. I was captivated and instantly wanted to go to law school.

To strengthen this interest, my dad suggested that I open the phone book and write a letter to every law firm in town asking for a summer job.

So I did.

Unsurprisingly, I received a lot of rejection letters – what law firm wants to hire a 16-year-old high school student with no education or experience?

Boylan & Neptune did. They created an office assistant position for me for two summers before I left for college, and I loved it!

Cambridge Dictionary defines “gumption” as:

the ability to decide what is the best thing to do in a particular situation, and to do it with energy and determination

My parents believed that formula could be taught, wrought, and caught.

They fostered a culture of achievement in our house – they encouraged us to get ahead by standing out. They applauded guts, ambition, and action. They expected gumption! No wonder I didn’t even question mailing letters to law firms as a teenager…

Equally important, I grew up watching their courage and initiative:

Without a college degree, my dad advanced from salesman to VP to owner of the company.
Without a college degree, my mom shifted her secretarial path to real estate (earning Illinois Realtor of the Year!) and then became a managing broker.

And it worked. When I graduated from law school, I landed an interview at a firm. Instinctively, I called the other firms on my list to let them know. I suggested that they might want to interview me too. So they did. And my parents beamed with pride…

As bosses and mentors, what are you doing to inspire and embolden your people to rise to new challenges?

[Flash] A-Rod… My New Favorite Mentor

In the new reality show Back in the Game, baseball-star-turned-entrepreneur Alex Rodriguez mentors athletes and entertainers who are struggling financially, like Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte.

In my favorite episode, Alex chooses Brian Dunkleman, comedian, actor, and the first host of American Idol.

In Brian’s words, he foolishly quit Idol after one season because he was unable to demonstrate his true acting talents on the show. The producers were irate, and he was never hired in Hollywood again – even his manager stopped calling. They called Ryan Seacrest instead.

Seventeen years later, Brian is broke, divorced, and driving for Uber to survive. He lost everything, including his confidence.

When Alex showed up to mentor Brian out of this rut, he:

explored Brian’s finances, talents, skills, and passions
uncovered Brian’s interest in real estate
arranged for Brian to shadow a real estate magnate
introduced Brian to his CFO to help negotiate his debt

But Brian rejected every idea Alex suggested by unloading a plethora of excuses.

Alex was unfazed – he didn’t take it personally, but he also didn’t tolerate the excuses. Instead, he shared his perspective of Brian’s situation and his expectations.

Some highlights:

”You’re letting your life be defined by your mistakes.”
”How do you win if you’re not constantly preparing to win?”
“You need to wake up every day with your hair on fire, willing to grind!”
“You have to leverage your PHD – poverty, hunger, and drive. You are poor, but you’re not hungry and driven.”

And then Alex delivered an ultimatum: “Brian, if you’re not in it, I’m not in it.”

After a few days of sulking, Brian finally admitted that his excuses made it easier to hide when life got hard.

As the show concluded, Brian was studying for the real estate exam, paying off his debt, and feeling confident again.

Alex did not have all the answers, nor did he solve Brian’s problems for him. But like a great Mentor, Alex offered advice, perspectives, ideas, encouragement, connections, resources, and some tough love.

Sometimes Mentees get stuck in the valley of despair. But if they could see beyond their own excuses, they wouldn’t need a Mentor!

[Flash] Burn the Ships! How Committed Are You?

My friends Connie and Mike are getting married in June (and I’m officiating the wedding!)

It’s a second marriage for both of them, and at our holiday gathering they declared, “We are burning the ships!”

”Burn the ships” is based on the legend of Hernán Cortés, an ambitious Spanish conquistador who arrived in Veracruz in 1519 determined to bring down the mighty Aztecs. He ordered his men to burn all of his ships, signaling his commitment to succeed or die trying – there would be no turning back! Two years later they successfully conquered the Aztec Empire.

It is the pinnacle of commitment when we “burn the ships!”

Like Cortes, my friends have signaled that quitting is not an option. They are determined to create a successful marriage or die trying.

We “burn the ships” when we elevate our commitment by removing any reliance on excuses or exit strategies.

It doesn’t mean we can’t change or improve a course of action, but when we are truly committed, giving up is not an option.

If you’re having a hard time committing to something, perhaps you still have “ships in the harbor” – an excuse, a rationalization, a justification.

But what makes it so hard to “burn the ships”?
• Fear of failure, judgment, criticism
• Perceived obligation or expectation
• Comfort
• Addiction

Naturally we cling to safety nets until we are no longer afraid. But this then leaves us half-committed, even paralyzed from taking action.

The question is… can we really be fully committed to success if there is always an out?

What ships are sitting in your harbor? What excuses do you need to let go of so you can move forward powerfully this year? Can you create a “burn the ships!” declaration like Connie and Mike?

Now I need to work this into their ceremony…

[Flash] Evolve Resolutions into Solutions… What’s the Worst That Can Happen?

In my house growing up, my mom would invariably counter any hesitation with “What’s the worst that can happen?” She even employed this when I hesitated asking the cutest boy in class to the 8th grade Sadie Hawkins dance. (I did. He didn’t. But her nudge got me out of my head and into action!)

Her approach has since been backed by science…

In the 1980s, researchers discovered that our challenge with long-term goals is not willpower or motivation. Instead we are derailed by short-term, in-the-moment urges and deterrents!

Staying in that cozy bed instead of getting up early to work out
Eating a colleague’s homemade cookies instead of sticking to a diet
Not flossing due to exhaustion after a late night at the office

Instantly a long-term goal of being healthy evaporates, and temptation wins! What starts with great intentions, falters in the face of one cookie or one warm, cozy bed.

NYC researcher Peter Gollwitzer tested a technique that could help evolve those greatly-intended resolutions into greatly-executed solutions: implementation intentions. Better known as an “if-then plan.”

Here’s how this self-regulatory strategy works: write down a goal, anticipate the obstacles (urges and deterrents), and create a concrete game plan to overcome them. Gollwitzer and his team devised the following template:

“When situation X arises, I will perform response Y.”

In other words, launch with a plan for the worst that could happen!

Example:

Goal: exercise before work
Obstacle/Temptation: sleeping in
Strategy: arrange to meet a friend at the gym