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[Flash] Stop Trying to Control the World – Just Understand It

I saw a meme recently that mocked, “So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’”

In view of the pandemic, this joke is amusing. But it also underscores the absurdity of that question by highlighting two dominating assumptions: control and certainty.

A team of researchers published a study on the remarkable relationship between uncertainty and stress, reporting that uncertainty is even more stressful than knowing something bad is definitely going to happen. (https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996)

We fear uncertainty. And consequently, we value control. More than any other ability, we greatly admire it in others and applaud it in ourselves.

Historian and author Yuval Noah Harari wrote, “We spend far more time and effort on trying to control the world than on trying to understand it…

“… and even when we try to understand it, we usually do so in the hope that understanding the world will make it easier to control it.”

But control is not the solution to quell our fear of uncertainty. Studies show that the odds of us facing adversity are not 50%, but 100%. It’s inevitable.

The only real certainty is uncertainty.

Thus, our options:

  • Surrender: breeds stress, fear, despondency
  • Adapt to change: be flexible, manage emotions, choose to respond, not react
  • Seek understanding: reflect, explore, examine, connect, seek diverse perspectives

Understanding begets empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. It kindles our commitment to resiliency. It strengthens trust. In life, at work, and in relationships, it is our superpower.

Let’s stop clearing paths for people, fueling a fictional world of certainty and control.

Instead, let’s prepare people to embrace uncertainty by working on understanding each other and the world, instead of trying to control it. That’s our responsibility as leaders, parents, and mentors.

[Flash] Distracted by Pandemic Potholes? Beware of Target Fixation!

I had high expectations for 2020. I was going to:

  • officiate my first wedding… cancelled!
  • vacation with my mom… cancelled!
  • attend the AONL Conference in Nashville… cancelled!
  • bike the NYC Five Boro Bike Tour… cancelled!
  • speak at 15 different conferences… cancelled!
  • throw myself a surprise birthday party… cancelled!

Like everyone else, I now have a long, growing list of things I’m not doing this year.

But my fixation on this list became a personal and professional hazard.

Bicyclists and motorcyclists call this Target Fixation – a common cause of crashes.

Target Fixation is a phenomenon where our brain focuses intently on an obstacle in front of us and ignores alternative, even obvious paths. It’s predominant in stressful situations.

Cyclists fear broken glass, rumble strips, and potholes. But staring at these obstacles we want to avoid inadvertently increases the likelihood that we’ll ride right into them.

Why? Because our wheel goes wherever we fixate our attention. We aim where we focus.

The solution? Cyclists (like me!) are taught to notice the pothole, but then re-focus on the road around the pothole.

Nevertheless, when challenged by a pandemic riddled with obstacles, I suddenly found myself trapped by Target Fixation – distracted by the obstacles: social distancing, masks, disinfectants, cancelled plans! Suddenly, I was stuck in the valley of despair! Resilience resistant.

To get unstuck, I had to intentionally shift my focus to the path around the pandemic potholes. How? By creating fresh solutions and interesting projects:

  • I’m delivering a new webinar called “Crisis Mentoring” (details below)
  • I’m launching Virtual Think Tanks for our clients to mentor each other
  • I’m speaking at virtual conferences
  • I’m writing a proposal for my next book
  • I’m inhaling episodes of Schitt’s Creek instead of the news
  • I’m learning to juggle

Stare at the road you want to ride on, not the road you want to avoid. Literally and figuratively.

[Flash] After the Outrage and the Protests, Start Mentoring

I’m not a political commentator. And I’m not a diversity consultant. I am an expert in creating mentoring solutions to strengthen people through important pivots (e.g., new to company, new to role, new to leadership). So I’m always looking for pivots.

Unequivocally, the events across the country this past week are demanding, even begging for, a pivot.

But after the outrage and the protests, what can we do individually and locally to engender a more diverse and inclusive society and workplace? Start mentoring.

“Ultimately this issue won’t just be resolved through laws and policies, but also at the human-to-human connection level,” Dana Brownlee, author of “Here are 10 Actions You Can Take to Promote Racial Justice in the Workplace.”

Brownlee continues, “Fear is often the root of bigotry, and one of the best antidotes for erasing fear is knowledge and familiarity.”

Frank Dobbin and his peers argue in the Harvard Business Review article entitled, “Diversity Management in Corporate America,” “It’s difficult to train away stereotypes. But mentoring programs offer a welcomed opportunity to engage in the solution instead of stare at the problem.”

Another HBR article entitled “Everyone Who Makes It Has a Mentor” asserts that mentors serve as the social connections that are critical to success at work and in life.

Here’s how the magic of mentoring instills diversity and inclusion:

  1. Intentionally place diverse employees in direct contact with people who are connected, who can help them move up, who can offer advice, and who can open doors.
  2. Through the experience of getting to know these diverse employees in a more intimate way and cultivating connections with and for them, “people who are connected” typically divest their stereotypes organically.

This creates a more diverse and inclusive culture created by the people instead of merely forced upon the people.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” ~ James Baldwin, novelist and playwright.

[Flash] Embarrassed? Fabulous! Share it to Connect and Collaborate

When I needed to strengthen the connection with my stepdaughter, I didn’t regale her with my accomplishments. I told her an embarrassing story: I was an 8th grade cheerleader-in-training when I asked the entire team during a practice how to spell that strange word they kept shouting in their cheer: L-E-T-S-G-O! My stepdaughter and I laughed hysterically and instantly bonded.

When I need to build trust with mentees, I don’t brag about my achievements. I start with an embarrassing story: I was on stage to keynote a conference when I discovered that my shirt was inside out, and then my pants ripped… in the seat! We laugh and connect, and my mentees immediately feel safe.

And now all my cringe-worthy-story-sharing is backed by research!

A study done by the Kellogg School of Management shows that embarrassment can actually be a gateway to connection, creativity, and collaboration.

Participants in the study who shared embarrassing moments before a brainstorming session generated a larger number (26% more!) and a wider range (15% more categories!) of ideas than those who shared proud moments.

Proud-moment sharing is typically used to boost participant confidence at the beginning of meetings. Inadvertently, this approach causes people to edit their contributions later. Why? Because the resulting air of achievement ultimately suffocates those anything-less-than-brilliant ideas.

But when participants reveal an embarrassing anecdote, they shed their barrier of self-censorship, allowing community and creativity to thrive!

How?

  • Embarrassment at the start alleviates the fear of embarrassment later
  • Human stories are captivating, immediately engaging people in the meeting
  • Identifying similar experiences helps people feel connected
  • Being vulnerable increases communal empathy and trust
  • Admitting blunders makes it safe for all to blunder while ideating and brainstorming
  • Reflecting on our survival-from-embarrassing-moments reinforces our own resilience

If your Zoom/Teams/WebEx calls are getting a bit stale, experiment with an embarrassing-story swap to accelerate the connection, creativity, and collaboration!

As the late filmmaker Nora Ephron (When Harry Met Sally) often said, “Everything is copy.”

[Flash] Flip the Script! (the Key to Forward Momentum)

Flip the script:

  • Doing the unexpected or revolutionary
  • Reversing the usual or predictable positions in a situation
  • Abandoning what worked in the past for a new approach

Some examples:

  • The Inn at Little Washington restaurant in Virginia is limited to 50% capacity when it reopens next week, so it’s seating elegantly dressed mannequins at all empty tables.
  • Learning that farmers are being forced to dump milk and waste produce, supermarket chain Publix is buying food from farmers and donating it directly to food banks. They’ve already donated 150,000 pounds of produce and 43,000 gallons of milk.
  • NJ landlord David Placek cancelled the rent for his tenants for the next three months costing him $50,000. His only request of his renters: support local businesses.
  • Father Scott Holmer in Maryland is offering drive-thru confessions in the church parking lot.

We don’t expect such actions from restaurants, supermarkets, landlords, or priests. It’s unusual, unpredictable, and surprising. They’re flipping the script!

Recruiter Melissa has a client who applied for a manager-level position and was informed by the interviewer, “We can’t hire you. You’ve never been a manager.”

Her client flipped the script and replied, “But that’s exactly why you need to hire me. Because I don’t bring any manager baggage.”

To flip the script, first identify any limitations – yours or theirs. What boundaries, rules, or expectations are in the way? What objections are you hearing? What could be improved?

Then do, say, or create the unexpected. Take an objection and turn it around. Be unconventional and instigative! Stand out.

  • We don’t do it that way! Let’s just pilot it.
  • It’ll never work! Here’s how we can make it work…
  • You can’t put a picture of your family on your resume! I want you to know why this job is so important.
  • You don’t have any experience! I’ll work for free while I get some.
  • We didn’t get permission! We’ll ask for forgiveness.
  • Who are you? I’m the contractor you wish you knew last time you worked with a contractor.

Nothing about this pandemic feels normal or usual – we’ve been flipping the script in our work and our lives for weeks. So, let’s just keep going… adventure awaits!

[Flash] It’s Not About the Triangle

My father-in-law was a junior high school teacher, principal, and lifelong mentor. When students would complain about geometry, he would respond, “It’s not about the triangle. It’s about our ability to solve problems with a limited amount of information.”

The students’ reaction: irritation from working on challenging (and seemingly irrelevant) problems.
Their meaningful response: perseverance in search of a solution.

Similarly, it’s not about the pandemic or the quarantine (or even about toilet paper!). It’s about persevering in the face of unpredictability. It’s about finding ways to triumph with limited resources.

Our (understandable) reactions: frustration, fear, and anger in a world that feels out of our control.

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, recently reflected on the pandemic, “We are feeling a collective loss of the world we all lived in before.”

He continued, “We must find meaning, not in the loss, but in our response. Meaning is what we do next.”

Let’s acknowledge some things “we have done next”:

  • We have learned to leverage technology.
  • We have reconnected with family and friends.
  • We have continued to work, exercise, and attend school from home.
  • We have improvised birthday parties and celebrations.
  • We have architected new structures, routines, and memories.
  • We have re-evaluated our priorities and commitments.
  • We have expanded our contributions at work and in the community.
  • We have re-invented how we deliver products and services.(e.g. The Twisted Citrus restaurant in North Canton, Ohio mounted shower curtains between tables to innovatively create “social distance” while meeting their financial need for many diners.)

And we met what was once deemed an impossible challenge: to slow down our world.

But ultimately, it’s not about the pandemic.

It’s about our response to it: determination, resourcefulness, initiative, grit, creativity, strength, kindness, gratefulness, intentionality, and courage.

[Flash] Got Quarantine Fatigue? Make Time to Wisdom Swap, Mastermind, and Mentor

I started today with quarantine-fatigue, webinar-fatigue, Zoom/Teams/Webex-fatigue. I’ve had enough! Even after my workout, shower, and breakfast, I was plodding through my day.

And then my colleague Melissa Crimmins, founder of BuiltHive, called me. I’m on her Advisory Board, and she was seeking a brain-exchange, a need-your-perspective call, a wisdom swap, a quick mentoring conversation.

I jumped at the chance to change the scenery (figuratively!).

Suddenly, I forgot my fatigue. I felt energized – I was making a difference! I was helping someone move forward, and ironically that helped me move forward.

The bonus? I didn’t walk away with action items or another project. I walked away with a sense of accomplishment and some insights for my own work.

Here’s why your mentoring is more important than ever before:

  • Loneliness is at an all-time high
  • Fear is running rampant
  • Transitions, pivots, and cross-skilling are causing imposter syndrome
  • Stuck is prevailing over resilience
  • Being “non-essential” feels personal

People need you! They’re starved for your fresh perspectives, new ideas, sound advice, teachings, insights, and encouragement!

Easy ways to get started:

  • Join the mentoring, connecting, or buddy program at your organization
  • Offer to brain exchange with others
  • Lead a learning circle around a topic, a book, or a skill
  • Organize a roundtable to wisdom swap with peers
  • Let your boss and HR know you want to mentor
  • Volunteer for a community mentoring program
  • Add to your email signature block: “Available to mastermind!”
  • Invite LinkedIn connections to brainstorm and share ideas

I promise, you won’t be bombarded. People don’t abuse mentors; they revere them.

“Maybe mentorship is just realizing the humanity in each of us and being there as equals with one another through an uncertain time.” – Alexandar Perez, a mentee at Weill Cornell Medicine.

[Flash] Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying, Said Your Career

In the movie The Shawshank Redemption, Tim Robbins’ character speculates, “Guess it comes down to a simple choice: get busy living or get busy dying.”

He was explaining his focused attitude and his deliberate actions every day in pursuit of his goal.

Based on data published recently by 451 Research, we better apply “get busy living” to our careers as well.

451 Research predicts 20 long-lasting changes to the workplace expected from the coronavirus impact, such as video interviewing and virtual-reality powered collaboration tools.

But #4: Upskilling and Cross-skilling are being implemented immediately. “Businesses will look to invest in developing employees’ new abilities [upskilling] to apply those skills across different work initiatives [cross-skilling].”

Hint Water
Once the pandemic hit, the employees in the field who handed out samples at grocery stores and events were extraneous. Hint quickly redeployed and retrained those team members on virtual selling.

Skybox Security
Their team of field marketing managers responsible for organizing client events, trade shows, and marketing opportunities became under-utilized when events around the world were canceled. Skybox is now cross-training this team on digital-based marketing, content development, intent analytics, and PR.

Dr. Praeger’s Purely Sensible Foods
When stay-at-home orders were announced, they experienced a 70% decline in sales of their veggie burgers to restaurants and hotels. They immediately shifted those sales teams to focus on grocery stores.

It’s strategic for businesses to leverage their talent through upskilling and cross-skilling; but it’s smart for employees to contribute value in new ways:
• Say yes! to opportunities
• Request cross-training
• Take classes
• Get certified in a new skill
• Learn the business
• Connect across departments and business lines
• Repurpose the product
• Reimagine service delivery
• Reinvent a process
• Consider what the team/customers need in this new environment
• Repeatedly ask others: “How can I support you right now?”

Get busy living or get busy dying… the difference lies in our intentionality.

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