Philip Galanes has been writing the “Social Qs” column in the Lifestyle section of The New York Times for almost 17 years.
Every week, Philip offers advice about human relationships and the entanglements that readers wrestle with at home, at work, and in life.
When his editor asked Philip about the variety of advice he offers each week, she mused, “It seems like you need to be an expert on everything.”
Philip countered, “I don’t need to be an expert about anything to give advice.”
He explained that advice is not about telling people what to do but about listening to what they are sharing and then helping to guide them to what might be the best outcome.
And then his editor asked, what makes good advice good?
“The mark of really great advice is listening so closely that you’re almost the same person as the person who is asking for the advice.” A thought-partner!
Philip continued, “The best way is not to think, what should I do, but to really listen to the other person tell me about their situation and think, ‘She and I have this problem. We share it now. What’s the most helpful thing I can say to help her march toward a solution that’s going to work for her?’”
But what works for the Advice Giver may not work for the Advice Seeker.
A study published in Scientific American in 2018 confirms Philip’s approach. Advice Seekers typically look for options. Advice Givers tend to give direct guidance. This mismatch can lead to frustratingly unhelpful interactions.
Philip went on to reveal his secret: embrace the notion that everyone has the answer within them.
The best advice an Advice Giver can give makes the Advice Seeker realize they already know the right answer.
One of my favorite “Social Qs” columns published a few years ago underscored this notion.
A Big Brother in a youth mentoring program had written to Philip, complaining about his Little Brother’s embarrassing lack of etiquette whenever they dined out. The Big Brother asked, “What should I do?”
Philip bluntly advised, “You are the Mentor, so mentor him on his dining etiquette!”
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