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At the end of every mentoring program, at least one mentor confesses, “I think I got more out of the mentoring relationship than my mentee.”
For years, I attributed this to altruism – the selfless, feels-good-to-do-good approach. And then I read Ethan Kross’ compelling book Chatter – The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. In his book, psychologist and professor Dr. Kross shares a tool called “distancing” that can lead us to wisdom, regardless of age, job title, or experience. Psychological distancing involves stepping back, lowering our emotional intensity, and reducing our cognitive load to gain objectivity and perspective. In other words, we turn down the volume of the internal chatter by figuratively stepping away from it. Distancing is most effective when we (1) imagine how we will feel about this situation in the future, (2) observe our situation happening to someone else, or (3) offer advice to someone in a similar situation. We often struggle to solve our own problems because we are too emotionally involved. When our view is only internal, our problems can feel insurmountable. Psychological distance not only diminishes our stress and anxiety, but it also gives us the detached perspective needed to reassess our problems. When we step into the role of mentor, we psychologically distance ourselves from our circumstances by focusing on our mentee’s circumstances. As our mentee is sorting through their problems and navigating their situations, they seek our guidance, advice, and perspectives. We are called to step away from our uncertainty to help them with theirs. Ironically, while we might struggle to solve our own problems, we often have clarity and advice for people grappling with similar challenges. Their emotional burdens don’t afflict us. The birds-eye view allows us to see solutions we missed when our view was purely internal. When we offer those solutions to our mentee through advice, we finally see the wisdom that applies to our situation. The adage, “Those who can’t, teach” should be followed by “…so they can.” We might not have been able to sort it out for ourselves, but then we became a mentor and helped a mentee sort it out, and doing so gave us the distance and clarity we needed to sort it out for ourselves. Now when a mentor claims, “I got more out of this than my mentee,” I will nod appreciatively to psychological distancing and affirm, “Of course, you did!” © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |