During a recent interview, actor Ryan Reynolds reflected on his evolved approach to conflicting viewpoints:
“I love working with people who have different ideas. It’s interesting to meet them with curiosity as opposed to placing a value judgment.
“As I get older, I think I’m better at observation than evaluation – like constantly evaluating everything and everyone.
“When I just observe, I find my stress level goes down. I find I’m a little bit less of a [jerk], personally.”
Danielle Allen, Professor of Public Policy at Harvard, also advocates for observation. She teaches her students to navigate conflict using two rules:
Rule #1. Use Names
She encourages students to address each other by name intentionally, not condescendingly.
Why is this important?
- Feels direct and personal
- Grabs attention – people love hearing their own name
- Creates connection
- Fosters respect and trust
Rule #2. Repeat Back What You Heard
No one in Professor Allen’s class is allowed to respond until they can demonstrate they correctly understood the other person’s argument.
By repeating back what they think they’ve heard, both sides are forced to invest time upfront reaching a mutual understanding.
Why is this important?
- De-escalates tension: heard people hear others
- Validates: “I listened, I heard you, and I understand you.”
- Ensures they are accurately addressing the other person’s issue
Every day, we have an abundance of opportunities to practice these skills.
For example, a mentee may share a concern that the mentor feels is overblown. Because we naturally meet different viewpoints with judgment rather than curiosity, the (well-intentioned) mentor might instinctively say, “Oh don’t worry about that – it’s nothing!”
And even in the safe space of mentoring, the mentee might impulsively defend their fear, while judging the mentor for being dismissive and oblivious.
To practice observing, not evaluating:
- Listen to their concern, idea, or perspective
- Stay curious (give your judge a break!)
- Use their name
- Repeat back what you heard
- Check your understanding:
- “Sally, I want to make sure I understand your point. Are you saying…?”
- “Bob, can you explain what you mean by…”
- “Aneek, I hear that you’re worried about X… is that right?”
- “Marge, so what you’re saying is…?”
- “Terry, what am I missing?”
In a world where the risk of altercation simmers beneath each interaction, we can diffuse everyone’s emotions with observation, curiosity, and commitment.
Seek compassion, not condemnation.
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