[Flash] When TMI Outranks TLI: The Consequences of Not Sharing Enough

And then I discovered the book Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing by Leslie John, a behavioral scientist and professor at Harvard Business School.

According to Leslie’s research, the risks of under-sharing are far greater than the risks of oversharing. Turns out that “too little information” (TLI) can be equally harmful to our relationships.

When we share something meaningful with someone, we communicate our trust in them because we value the relationship.

But when we under-share our struggles or our shines, we withhold ourselves from the other person, leaving them feeling excluded and untrustworthy.

Concerned that we might look foolish, weak, incompetent, needy, or unprofessional, we tend to hold back.

Our instinct is to protect ourselves by saying less, ignoring the relationship consequences of withholding.

During the period when my dog died, my mom struggled with dementia before dying, and my husband battled cancer, TLI became my MO. I pulled back and muscled through the demands of caregiving.

Someone who was once close to me angrily described me as “unapproachable.” I hurt her feelings when I didn’t let her in. By not sharing, I announced, “I don’t need you,” the death knell to any relationship.

But Leslie argues in Revealing that we don’t just need to trauma-share or dump more information onto others. We need to share information that reveals our humanity.

Between TMI and TLI is RI: Revealing Information.

RI is not indiscriminate oversharing. It’s appropriate self-disclosure, authentically showing our friends and mentoring partners the work in progress that we are.

What gets shared in RI? Our uncertainties, mistakes, fears, doubts, thought processes, emotions, and growth journey. That which makes us more authentic and credible, allowing someone to understand us better.

To identify RI, consider:

• “Would revealing this help my relationship or our conversation?”
• “What would be useful for this person to know about me?” 

Revealing our humanity is a trust-building act. By taking this small social risk, we declare to another person, “I trust you with this. You now understand me better.” In doing so, we give them permission to do the same.

When we share our wins, wobbles, and wonders, we not only strengthen trust and connection, we allow another person to see our humanity and root for us.

© 2026. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.