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I blame my three years of argument training in law school for my automatic ready-to-engage-in-battle listening skills.
In conversations, I often find myself listening for weakness and error. Secretly, I delight in finding flaws in other people’s assertions. And, as if I’m in a moot court competition, I launch in with a stronger argument to win the conversation! But this approach doesn’t bode well for connecting and collaborating. My interaction with Ashley taught me another approach. Ashley is a program leader evaluating her organization’s mentoring pilot to identify areas to improve before the program rollout. To that end, she interviewed me recently to ascertain my experience with this pilot. Ashley then asked for my advice and ideas. With every suggestion I offered, Ashley asked clarifying questions until she understood my advice, and once she did, she responded genuinely with, “That makes sense.” It was a refreshing exchange! When Ashley communicated what I said made sense to her, she validated my contribution. But interestingly, I didn’t leave our conversation with any notion that she agreed with or accepted my ideas. Just that she acknowledged them. Relationship guru Harville Hendrix teaches couples to use the phrase, “That makes sense,” because of its power to disarm and validate the other person while building trust. “That makes sense” is like a bridge in the middle of a conversation. It means I see your viewpoint, and I understand it. I’ve walked to the bridge, and I see what you see. “That makes sense” is disarming because it conveys that I’ve surrendered my oral weapons, and I’m inviting you to meet me on that bridge. That invitation builds and strengthens our trust. If we are committed to engaging differently as mentors, mentees, and managers, we must challenge ourselves to reach that point in every conversation where we can sincerely say, “That makes sense.” However, this commitment requires we suspend any focus-to-fight mode and instead seek out another person’s point of view with earnest curiosity. We don’t have to agree with that person’s view, adopt their ideas, or change our opinion. We just have to strive to see what they see. And that makes sense. © 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |