“How was school today?” I would ask my stepkids whenever they visited. I was eager to engage and deepen our friendship.
Invariably, they would respond, “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.” Feeling very clever, I’d be ready with my retort, “Why was it fine/good/OK?” Of course, they would try to derail me with, “I don’t know.” Undeterred, I’d prolong this maddening, ineffective interrogation with, “If you did know, what would you say?” They would stare at me dumbfounded. So, I’d try a different angle, “What was something funny that happened at school today?” Inevitably, I would get, “Nothing.” This awkward dance went round and round. And yet, I rarely learned anything new, and none of us felt connected in the exchange. Now that my stepkids are adulting, I have new targets: my nephew Joaquin and my niece Lulu, 14 and 12, respectively. Like with my stepkids, I deliberately develop my relationship with Joaquin and Lulu. The three of us went out to dinner last week, and I experimented with a different approach. I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about homecoming.” I said to Lulu, “Tell me about your swim meet.” I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about high school.” Had I simply asked, “How is school?” I probably would not have been rewarded with his reflection. So now, I’ve been testing this approach with others. “Tell me about your day,” I say to my husband as we cook. And I learn what’s weighing on him. “How are you?” “How’s your day?” “How’s it going?” are polite, transitory greetings. They don’t even necessitate a reply. Whereas “Tell me about…” conveys sincere curiosity and a commitment to engage. It invites intentional, colorful conversation to which the other person often reveals what is most important to them. But it also demands a genuine interest in whatever is shared. Even in casual conversations, people crave significance. “How’s it going?” doesn’t demonstrate importance. But “Tell me about…” communicates to the other person that they matter. © 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com |