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On Sunday, I was in the bleachers watching my 12-year-old niece swim the 1,000-meter freestyle (40 laps!) in a local swim meet. It was the first time she had ever attempted the distance, and she crushed it!
During the race, I also enjoyed watching the team’s swim coach on the side of the pool energetically orchestrating, instructing, guiding, and cheering. He scissored his arms wildly to encourage swimmers to kick harder. He swept his arm across his body repeatedly to urge them to swim faster. And at the halfway point, he raised his arms straight in the air and bellowed, “Half! Half! Half!” But what he didn’t do was jump into the pool to assist them. He didn’t move a swimmer’s head, arms, or feet, and he didn’t swim for them. Instead, his job was to coach them to be better swimmers. Also standing on the side of the pool was a lifeguard. She didn’t care if the swimmers were swimming better. She wasn’t committed to growing and developing their swimming skills. Her sole job that day was to rescue them. As managers and mentors, we need to be more like the Swim Coach and less like the Lifeguard. In 1968, therapist Dr. Stephen B. Karpman published an article proposing a social model now known as the Karpman Drama Triangle: when in conflict, stress, or high anxiety, people engage in a destructive interaction by adopting one of three dramatic roles. This role allows them to feel justified and entrenched in their position but doesn’t typically resolve the issue that caused the conflict. Dramatic Roles:
Managers often confess to me their Rescuer tendencies. They grapple with an overwhelming need to help, coupled with an undeniable feeling of guilt if they don’t. But rescuing doesn’t empower change; it enables helplessness. And this often causes a Rescuer to become the Persecutor, directing their anger at a Victim. Ironically, the dramatic interaction also keeps the Rescuing manager trapped. By focusing on a Victim’s problems, the manager avoids taking responsibility for their own. As I watched my niece’s Swim Coach cheer, direct, guide, and advise her and her friends, there was a noticeable absence of victimizing, rescuing, and persecuting. Just a bunch of eager swimmers getting stronger. Yes, sometimes we need to be the Lifeguard to prevent our people from drowning. But, when we act more like the Swim Coach, we ensure our people know how to swim. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |