[Flash] Resist Conversational Narcissism (and be a Better Mentor)

According to the author, we respond in conversation with either:

1. Support Responses: We support the other person by focusing on them.
2. Shift Responses: We shift the attention back to us.

How?

1. Support Responses: We respond with supportive comments or follow-up questions to learn more.
2. Shift Responses: We respond with remarks or stories about us.

For example:

• Person 1: I’m so mad at Bob.
• Support Response: Why? What happened? 
• Shift Response: Me too! Bob ignores the agenda in our meetings!

Derber calls this attention-shifting “conversational narcissism,” and others have argued that it’s emotionally unintelligent to steer the conversation toward ourselves.

But that seems harsh. The Shift Response can serve many purposes:

• identify commonalities with another to build trust
• boost our confidence through story-telling
• mentor others by articulating our lessons learned

In mentoring, if we only make encouraging comments and ask probing questions, then we shortchange our mentees of the advice, perspectives, and ideas they seek!

What to do? A conversational dance: support, shift, support, shift

Use question marks to create curiosity before grabbing the mic to make a difference!

1. Support Responses Strengthen: Use encouraging comments and questions to strengthen the mentee’s confidence and problem-solving skills while ensuring your advice is valuable.

2. Shift Responses Stockpile: Share pithy stories and sage wisdom to help mentees stockpile the advice and ideas they need now and in the future to approach situations and tackle problems differently.

Here’s how the Conversational Dance works:

• Mentee: Should I go back to school and get another degree?
  • Support Responses: Interesting! What are you thinking of studying? How would that help your career goals? Is there an opportunity cost in pursuing it?
• Mentee: I can only apply to leadership roles with a new degree.
  • Support Response: Sounds like getting another degree will make you more marketable!
  • Shift Response: I went back to school and it made me a better leader. It was hard but worth it! Here’s what I wish I had known…
  • Support Response: Does any of that resonate with you?

Question marks strengthen a mentee’s ability to reflect, think critically, consider options, and solve problems. In addition, question marks improve our advice, making us more effective mentors.

Question marks before periods. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.