[Flash] Peer Mentoring – Advice Delivered Stealthily by a Stepmom

When my stepdaughter Carly learned that her landlord was raising her rent, she decided to move to a new apartment complex.

She chose an older unit, on a heavily trafficked street, with a tenant above her, and an odd layout. This is Building 7.

While Carly was at work, my husband toured the complex and found a better unit (from his perspective): newer, on the top floor, not in the main thoroughfare, and with an open kitchen. This is Building 29.

When he presented the new option to her, Carly balked. Building 29 was too quiet, harder to find, and another flight of stairs to climb with groceries. Ultimately, she was defiant because it was not the one she chose.

We debated the decision all weekend, and while I was indifferent, I wanted to help Carly choose confidently.

So, I probed, carefully balancing curiosity and objectivity. I even climbed the stairs with her in Building 29. She continued to vacillate.

When we had dinner with Carly and her friend Evie, I jumped at the chance to infuse this conversation with a non-parental viewpoint.

After getting to know Evie, I casually brought up Carly’s decision.

“Evie, you know how Carly is moving soon? She is in debate about which unit, and I thought you could help.”

I impartially shared the Building 7 vs Building 29 dilemma and asked, “Evie, what is your perspective?” 

Without judgment, agenda, or hesitation, Evie looked right at Carly and reflected, “I once lived on the 3rd floor, and the stairs didn’t bother me one bit. And if it were me, I wouldn’t want anyone living above me.”

Grateful for Evie’s contribution, I explored further, “You know how you can sit on the barstools at the island in her current kitchen while she prepares food?”

“Yes. I love that!”

“Well, you can’t do that in Building 7. There’s a half wall between the kitchen and living room, so no space for barstools.”

Evie brooded, “That won’t be as much fun…”

The next morning, Carly confidently declared that she had chosen Building 29. Mission accomplished.

Peer mentoring is underrated. According to the Social Learning Theory, we tend to look to the actions and behaviors of those we admire and respect (our peers!) to shape our own actions and behaviors. 

Sometimes the best advice is delivered stealthily, not through a formal mentoring program but through the power of our peers – their movements regularly mold ours.

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