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In his weekly “Social Qs” column in The New York Times, columnist Philip Galanes addresses social etiquette dilemmas with his straight-shooting, suffer-no-fools approach.
But recently, he missed an opportunity to mentor a Mentor. A reader submitted this question: “An older Uncle told a young Nephew that he talks too much. The Nephew told me how hurt he was by the comment. But I don’t disagree with the Uncle – the Nephew does talk incessantly. Should I get in the middle?” Philip’s response: “I hope you expressed compassion for your Nephew’s hurt feelings. Learning to stand up for ourselves is important, especially for young adults. Encourage him to communicate his feelings to his Uncle. You can help this young person set boundaries and process unwanted criticism.” But by focusing on the Uncle’s sharp tongue, we risk encouraging the Nephew to avenge an insult instead of identifying an opportunity to develop. Shortly after reading this column, a Mentee in one of our programs reported feeling jarred by the blunt advice her Mentor delivered. The program leader wanted my guidance – should she address the Mentee or the Blunt Mentor? My response: Both! Of course, Mentors can always finesse their approach, be more empathetic, and improve their communications. But we must assume that Mentors are well-intended in their offered contributions. And even if we suppose the Rude Uncle had not intended to mentor, and the Blunt Mentor was acting venomously, it’s remiss to focus only on their flaws. Doing so hampers the growth of the Nephew and the Mentee – the whole point of mentoring! According to Adam Grant, author of the book Hidden Potential, one of the most essential character skills we can develop is “Absorptive Capacity – the ability to recognize, value, assimilate, and apply new information.” Absorptive Capacity entails two essential components:
When we are reactive and driven by our ego, we tend to reject any information that threatens our image, like “you talk too much.” Instead of seeking wisdom, we prioritize protecting ourselves from judgment or offense. Conversely, when we are reactive and growth-oriented, we are like “clay” (Adam’s word), responding to any input as potential development. We’re not afraid to get our feelings hurt. We’re not afraid of criticism. We’re afraid to miss the opportunity to improve. Want to be a great Mentee? Remember that mean people don’t mentor and insulted people don’t grow. Want to be a great Mentor? Help people sidestep the criticisms and look for the contributions. © 2026. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |