| I saw a magnet at a bookstore in NYC that read, “I’m silently judging your grammar.” While it was purposefully snarky, the essential word was “silently.”
No one likes feeling judged and criticized. Our brains are vigilantly assessing every situation to determine if it’s safe or dangerous. Will we be connecting, cooperating, and collaborating, or will we be judged, criticized, and blamed? For example, without additional context, our brains naturally consider rude, petty, impatient, curt, inconsiderate, belligerent, or spiteful comments to be “dangerous.” And dangerous situations breed distrust, causing us to protect, defend, and shut down instinctively. In one of my leadership mentoring programs, the mentee leaders confessed to an infliction they defined as “being direct.” I implored these leaders, “Don’t stop being direct! Your people don’t want passive, convoluted conversations!” “Being direct” is not the issue. It’s direct and unkind where relationships are curdling. Whether it’s due to stress, impatience, or arrogance, direct and unkind contaminates communication, wrecks trust, and undermines leadership. Here are some easy-and-effective, direct-but-kind phrases:
When we care about the other person’s experience in any exchange, we give them a chance to share their expectations, priorities, and challenges… without judgment and criticism. Being direct but kind is remembering that work is always personal, and your colleagues are always human beings. “The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.” © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com | www.anntardy.com |