All Posts by Ann Tardy

I came across the following flowchart suggesting a refreshing response to various holiday greetings:

When someone wishes you…

• Merry Christmas… and you are Christian or not Christian
• Happy Hanukkah… and you are Jewish or not Jewish
• Happy Kwanza… and you are African-American or not African-American
• Season’s Greetings… and you are agoraphobic or not agoraphobic
• Happy Holidays… and you are religious or not religious
• Happy New Year… and you are good with dates or bad with dates

There is only one response: “Thank you! Same to you!”

(Credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/55t0fh/how_to_respond_to_holiday_greetings_as_a_flow/)

The simplicity of this is actually profound: Meet people where they are, not where we are.

Understandably we project onto others an expectation to know us well enough to offer an appropriate holiday wish. But that’s not always practical or possible.

So when it feels like others are pushing their perspectives or beliefs on us, consider that they’re just showing up as they are.

But when we express outrage or insult, we are just making it about us. Being offended when offense was not intended is merely a waste of our time and energy.

Instead of getting caught up in the specific words or the correct expression, let’s just assume good intent behind the holiday well-wishing, and move on.

My friend Britt sent me this quote on her holiday card:

In the end, only three things matter most:

1. How much did you love?
2. How fully did you live?
3. How quickly did you let go?

As the end of 2018 approaches and I assess my success against those three areas, I feel I’ve got the “love much” and “live fully” things down.

It’s the “let it go quickly” thing that I’ll be working on in 2019. And I’m going to start by practicing with holiday greetings!

Merry Holidays and Happy Everything!

I purchased a power cord on Amazon recently, and the retailer, Hercules Power, sent me an email to check on my experience:

1. Goals: anchor feedback to a goal
2. Actions: point to an action you noticed
3. Impact: does the action contribute to or contaminate that goal?

Example:

1. “I know you want to lead the next team.”
2. “I noticed that you have been working late every night on that project while the rest of the team goes home.”
3. “Leading a team requires learning how to delegate.”

When we give feedback without referencing someone’s goal, the conversation lacks context – the why we are giving them feedback.

And without context, people usually default to the defensive. So feedback doesn’t have a chance of feeding success.

With Feedback that Feeds, we are anchoring our conversation on what’s important to them (their goal!), which creates instant partnership vs. dreaded confrontation.

Down with constructive criticism! Up with feedback that feeds success!

My OrangeTheory Fitness coach shouted these words to us in the 7:00am class:

Research suggests that a significant portion of our grit is mental, not physical.

The 40% Rule
Billionaire Jesse Itzler hired Navy SEAL David Goggins to live with him for 31 days and whip him into shape. (Jesse documented the experience in his book Living with a Seal.)

Goggins immediately introduced the 40% Rule: when your mind tells you you’ve reached your limit, you’re actually only 40% done.

Example: Goggins challenged Jesse with pull-ups. Jesse did 8 and collapsed. Goggins gave him a 30-second break and asked for more. Incredulous, Jesse did 6 and declared he was done! Goggins waited 30 seconds. Grudgingly, Jesse found 4 more… They continued until he reached 100.

The 3x Rule
When I started cycling, I learned we can pedal 3x as long as our longest training ride. Soon my 20-mile ride became a 60-mile ride, then my first century, then my first double century (200 miles in one day… a grueling 17-hour experience).

I pushed my limit, and my limit changed!

Our limits sound like this:

• I’ve never done that before…
• I don’t have time…
• I can’t get up that early…
• I wouldn’t know how…
• I can’t imagine…

So how do we push our limits?

1. Notice them
2. Rethink what’s possible (ask a Mentor for a fresh perspective!)
3. Take on new experiences – experiment!
4. Challenge the comfortable
5. When you think you’re done, take a break and try again

Grit is essential, not just in the gym or on a bike, but in our lives (the gym and bike simply allow us to practice our perseverance).

Bottom line: our remarkable only happens outside of our limits!

I raced into my doctor’s office yesterday, responding to emails before my appointment. When she entered, she was calm, present, and engaged. Suddenly, I found myself calm, present, and engaged. My frenzy was gone and we hadn’t even started.

Moods create behavior, and behavior is contagious.

Psychologists call this Emotional Contagion.

It works in 3 stages:

1. Mimicry: We unconsciously and subtly imitate each other’s nonverbal cues, like posture and facial expressions.
2. Feedback: Those expression (ex: smiling) trigger certain emotions (ex: happiness).
3. Synchronicity: Our feelings then synchronize with our behaviors.

Example: I scowl. You unconsciously mirror me, so you scowl. That scowl triggers angry feelings. Soon you take on angry behaviors that match your angry feelings.

In fact, negative emotions are more contagious than positive – we react strongly to pain, fear, sadness, and disgust, as these are directly linked to our survival.

Buy why should we care about Emotional Contagion?

Research reveals that emotions don’t just spread from one person to another; they influence group dynamics, especially those involved in a shared effort, like a project.

Even hostage negotiators are trained in Emotional Contagion. They learn to create empathy and trust so perpetrators want to work with them.

Hostage negotiators rely on 3 principle behaviors that we can employ too:

1. The Late Night FM-DJ Voice: Use a calm, soothing, assertive voice, even as someone is screaming at you.
2. Self-Control: Control your own emotions. Don’t get triggered by someone’s anger.
3. Dynamic Inactivity: Silence can de-escalate a situation. Be quiet, do nothing, and allow the other person to have the last word – let them feel in control.

If we want to successfully connect and engage with others, we need to be intentional and responsible for the influence of our moods and behaviors.

Author A.J. Jacobs captures his commitment to becoming more grateful in his new book A Thousand Thanks.

He created a gratitude adventure by tracing the journey of his morning coffee in order to thank every person who played a role in it. His commitment took him around the globe resulting in new perspectives, friendships, generosity, and happiness.

Jacobs confirmed the research: a conscious focus on blessings generates a heightened well-being… gratitude improves our emotional and physical state!

Ultimately, happiness depends on gratitude. Gratitude does not depend on happiness.

7 Gratitude Practices

1. Gratitude Speak: “Thanks!” has become somewhat routine. Try incorporating “I’m grateful for… [your work on the project, your idea, your help]”

2. Gratitude in Moments: Seek gratitude in moments, even frustrating ones. Example: I’m grateful the traffic is taking so long because it’s allowing me to notice the colorful trees.

3. Gratitude Journal: Studies suggest that making a gratitude list 3x/week might be more impactful than daily journaling, because we tend to become numb to the normal.

4. Gratitude Partners: Share gratitude lists with a partner to strengthen the experience and create accountability.

5. Gratitude through Senses: When you touch your fork, pause and be grateful for the food you’re about to eat; when you see snow, pause and be grateful for the beauty of nature.

6. Gratitude for the Normal: Everything we take for granted could vanish without warning, as evidenced by recent fires, hurricanes, floods, shootings, and car accidents. When we see tragedy in the news, pause and be grateful for the normalities we take for granted.

7. Gratitude Alphabet: A.J. Jacobs falls asleep by naming a gratitude for each letter of the alphabet. (Admittedly, he rarely gets past G before he’s snoring.)

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m grateful for your readership and your encouraging comments, contributions, and connections week after week.

Stan Lee, publisher of Marvel Comics and creator of superheroes like Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, and the Fantastic Four died this week at age 95.

Stan was iconic for giving his superheroes human qualities – his characters made mistakes, became frustrated, and battled inner demons, not just villains. But ultimately they saved the day.

Stan not only entertained us, he inspired us to make the world a better place.

How? Heroism!

1. helping someone in need
2. without expectation of credit, reward, or recognition
3. knowing there is a personal risk (physical, financial, or social, such as judgment, criticism, or even embarrassment)

Researchers have identified heroic traits:

• Empathy
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Conviction
• Kindness
• Optimism
• Altruism

(also the traits of an exceptional Mentor!)

Typically we associate heroes with mystical creatures who run into burning buildings. But heroism doesn’t demand a tragedy.

We are heroic whenever we act to help someone in need and there’s nothing in it for us. (Instead of allowing what’s-in-it-for-me to direct our action or inaction.)

Essentially, with intention, determination, action, and practice, we can each be heroic in situations and moments:

1. take action (when most people look away)
2. speak up (when most people are silent)
3. be uncomfortable (when most people won’t take physical, financial, or social risks)
4. help someone in need (when most people say, “not my problem”)
5. and never expect appreciation

Examples:

• Stand up for someone defenseless
• Help a stranger with directions
• Sponsor a family at the holidays
• Volunteer at a food bank
• Donate money or clothes
• Comfort a stranger
• Mentor others

Hero researcher Phillip Zimbardo: “Each of us possesses an inner hero; if stirred to action, that inner hero is capable of performing tremendous goodness for others.”

And the secret to “stirring our inner hero to action”? Knowing we can make a difference.

When I grudgingly moved from California to New Jersey a decade ago, I regaled everyone I met with stories about “amazing San Francisco!”

The result? It took me a long time to make friends.

Why? I violated a critical rule: know your audience.

Whether we are talking with new neighbors, teaching a workshop, exploring an idea with a team, or giving a presentation from the stage, we need to start with “know your audience” not “know your topic.”

1. Know who is in the audience (their background and experiences)
2. Understand their communication preferences (do they want stories, bullets, research, experiences, props?)
3. Relate to them (what do you have in common with them?)
4. Consider their reaction to the topic/message (will they be defensive or curious?)
5. Ascertain their priorities (what’s important to them?)
6. Determine why your topic is important to them (why are they willing to listen?)
7. Talk about what’s important to them (frame your topic/message accordingly)

Some practical ways to “know your audience:”

• Interview people before a meeting/presentation to learn their priorities, preferences, and perspectives (don’t just rely on titles and assumptions!)
• Ask questions to involve people and determine what they want to learn about you or the topic
• Be flexible and adapt based on what you discover
• Provide context and backstory (…if they want it)
• Explain jargons and acronyms (…if they need it)
• Observe their listening (notice eye contact, smartphone usage, facial expressions)
• Look around and see where you’re at – let the environment inform (ex: people who live in NJ don’t want to hear incessantly how great it is to live someplace else!)
• Be patient and curb your defensiveness if they disagree or appear disinterested

To build trust and respect, audiences (of all sizes) want to know that we get them and that what we’re saying actually matters to them.

Essentially, people just want to know that we care about their stage before our own.

When my stepson Jack was in kindergarten, he decided to be Superman for Halloween. And he wanted his dad to be Batman.

So his dad purchased a Batman costume.

As he was leaving the house to attend Jack’s Halloween parade at school, I asked:

”Where’s your costume?”
He held up a bag. “It’s in the bag.”
“When are you going to put it on?”
He replied, “When I get to the school.”
”Where?”
Silence.
”Put the costume on before you leave.”

He was aghast, “You want me to drive to the school wearing a Batman costume??”
“Yes. That’s what Batman would do.”

Begrudgingly he changed into the costume, drove to Jack’s school, ignored the gawking parents in the parking lot, and found Jack’s classroom.

From the other side of the room, Jack saw his dad and shrieked, ”My dad is Batman!!”

His dad broke the “typical parent” script.

In 1959 social psychologist Erving Goffman argued that we are like actors on a stage, creating and developing scripts that others use to understand us.

Scripts are the predictable way that people expect us to behave.

When we break the script, we defy people’s expectations of us or a situation.

Chip and Dan Heath, authors of The Power of Moments, named this “strategic surprise.”

By showing up in a Batman costume, Jack’s dad defied expectations with strategic surprise. As a result, he cemented a memorable experience with his son.

How can we break the script (without a Batman costume)?

• Be calm in a crisis
• Pitch in to help without being asked
• Email our boss praising someone else
• Bring a puzzle to a team meeting
• Send a homemade gift
• Buy coffee for a crossing guard or stranger in line

Where can you break the script to surprise, delight, and cement a memorable experience?