All Posts by Ann Tardy

I raced into my doctor’s office yesterday, responding to emails before my appointment. When she entered, she was calm, present, and engaged. Suddenly, I found myself calm, present, and engaged. My frenzy was gone and we hadn’t even started.

Moods create behavior, and behavior is contagious.

Psychologists call this Emotional Contagion.

It works in 3 stages:

1. Mimicry: We unconsciously and subtly imitate each other’s nonverbal cues, like posture and facial expressions.
2. Feedback: Those expression (ex: smiling) trigger certain emotions (ex: happiness).
3. Synchronicity: Our feelings then synchronize with our behaviors.

Example: I scowl. You unconsciously mirror me, so you scowl. That scowl triggers angry feelings. Soon you take on angry behaviors that match your angry feelings.

In fact, negative emotions are more contagious than positive – we react strongly to pain, fear, sadness, and disgust, as these are directly linked to our survival.

Buy why should we care about Emotional Contagion?

Research reveals that emotions don’t just spread from one person to another; they influence group dynamics, especially those involved in a shared effort, like a project.

Even hostage negotiators are trained in Emotional Contagion. They learn to create empathy and trust so perpetrators want to work with them.

Hostage negotiators rely on 3 principle behaviors that we can employ too:

1. The Late Night FM-DJ Voice: Use a calm, soothing, assertive voice, even as someone is screaming at you.
2. Self-Control: Control your own emotions. Don’t get triggered by someone’s anger.
3. Dynamic Inactivity: Silence can de-escalate a situation. Be quiet, do nothing, and allow the other person to have the last word – let them feel in control.

If we want to successfully connect and engage with others, we need to be intentional and responsible for the influence of our moods and behaviors.

Author A.J. Jacobs captures his commitment to becoming more grateful in his new book A Thousand Thanks.

He created a gratitude adventure by tracing the journey of his morning coffee in order to thank every person who played a role in it. His commitment took him around the globe resulting in new perspectives, friendships, generosity, and happiness.

Jacobs confirmed the research: a conscious focus on blessings generates a heightened well-being… gratitude improves our emotional and physical state!

Ultimately, happiness depends on gratitude. Gratitude does not depend on happiness.

7 Gratitude Practices

1. Gratitude Speak: “Thanks!” has become somewhat routine. Try incorporating “I’m grateful for… [your work on the project, your idea, your help]”

2. Gratitude in Moments: Seek gratitude in moments, even frustrating ones. Example: I’m grateful the traffic is taking so long because it’s allowing me to notice the colorful trees.

3. Gratitude Journal: Studies suggest that making a gratitude list 3x/week might be more impactful than daily journaling, because we tend to become numb to the normal.

4. Gratitude Partners: Share gratitude lists with a partner to strengthen the experience and create accountability.

5. Gratitude through Senses: When you touch your fork, pause and be grateful for the food you’re about to eat; when you see snow, pause and be grateful for the beauty of nature.

6. Gratitude for the Normal: Everything we take for granted could vanish without warning, as evidenced by recent fires, hurricanes, floods, shootings, and car accidents. When we see tragedy in the news, pause and be grateful for the normalities we take for granted.

7. Gratitude Alphabet: A.J. Jacobs falls asleep by naming a gratitude for each letter of the alphabet. (Admittedly, he rarely gets past G before he’s snoring.)

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m grateful for your readership and your encouraging comments, contributions, and connections week after week.

Stan Lee, publisher of Marvel Comics and creator of superheroes like Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, and the Fantastic Four died this week at age 95.

Stan was iconic for giving his superheroes human qualities – his characters made mistakes, became frustrated, and battled inner demons, not just villains. But ultimately they saved the day.

Stan not only entertained us, he inspired us to make the world a better place.

How? Heroism!

1. helping someone in need
2. without expectation of credit, reward, or recognition
3. knowing there is a personal risk (physical, financial, or social, such as judgment, criticism, or even embarrassment)

Researchers have identified heroic traits:

• Empathy
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Conviction
• Kindness
• Optimism
• Altruism

(also the traits of an exceptional Mentor!)

Typically we associate heroes with mystical creatures who run into burning buildings. But heroism doesn’t demand a tragedy.

We are heroic whenever we act to help someone in need and there’s nothing in it for us. (Instead of allowing what’s-in-it-for-me to direct our action or inaction.)

Essentially, with intention, determination, action, and practice, we can each be heroic in situations and moments:

1. take action (when most people look away)
2. speak up (when most people are silent)
3. be uncomfortable (when most people won’t take physical, financial, or social risks)
4. help someone in need (when most people say, “not my problem”)
5. and never expect appreciation

Examples:

• Stand up for someone defenseless
• Help a stranger with directions
• Sponsor a family at the holidays
• Volunteer at a food bank
• Donate money or clothes
• Comfort a stranger
• Mentor others

Hero researcher Phillip Zimbardo: “Each of us possesses an inner hero; if stirred to action, that inner hero is capable of performing tremendous goodness for others.”

And the secret to “stirring our inner hero to action”? Knowing we can make a difference.

When I grudgingly moved from California to New Jersey a decade ago, I regaled everyone I met with stories about “amazing San Francisco!”

The result? It took me a long time to make friends.

Why? I violated a critical rule: know your audience.

Whether we are talking with new neighbors, teaching a workshop, exploring an idea with a team, or giving a presentation from the stage, we need to start with “know your audience” not “know your topic.”

1. Know who is in the audience (their background and experiences)
2. Understand their communication preferences (do they want stories, bullets, research, experiences, props?)
3. Relate to them (what do you have in common with them?)
4. Consider their reaction to the topic/message (will they be defensive or curious?)
5. Ascertain their priorities (what’s important to them?)
6. Determine why your topic is important to them (why are they willing to listen?)
7. Talk about what’s important to them (frame your topic/message accordingly)

Some practical ways to “know your audience:”

• Interview people before a meeting/presentation to learn their priorities, preferences, and perspectives (don’t just rely on titles and assumptions!)
• Ask questions to involve people and determine what they want to learn about you or the topic
• Be flexible and adapt based on what you discover
• Provide context and backstory (…if they want it)
• Explain jargons and acronyms (…if they need it)
• Observe their listening (notice eye contact, smartphone usage, facial expressions)
• Look around and see where you’re at – let the environment inform (ex: people who live in NJ don’t want to hear incessantly how great it is to live someplace else!)
• Be patient and curb your defensiveness if they disagree or appear disinterested

To build trust and respect, audiences (of all sizes) want to know that we get them and that what we’re saying actually matters to them.

Essentially, people just want to know that we care about their stage before our own.

When my stepson Jack was in kindergarten, he decided to be Superman for Halloween. And he wanted his dad to be Batman.

So his dad purchased a Batman costume.

As he was leaving the house to attend Jack’s Halloween parade at school, I asked:

”Where’s your costume?”
He held up a bag. “It’s in the bag.”
“When are you going to put it on?”
He replied, “When I get to the school.”
”Where?”
Silence.
”Put the costume on before you leave.”

He was aghast, “You want me to drive to the school wearing a Batman costume??”
“Yes. That’s what Batman would do.”

Begrudgingly he changed into the costume, drove to Jack’s school, ignored the gawking parents in the parking lot, and found Jack’s classroom.

From the other side of the room, Jack saw his dad and shrieked, ”My dad is Batman!!”

His dad broke the “typical parent” script.

In 1959 social psychologist Erving Goffman argued that we are like actors on a stage, creating and developing scripts that others use to understand us.

Scripts are the predictable way that people expect us to behave.

When we break the script, we defy people’s expectations of us or a situation.

Chip and Dan Heath, authors of The Power of Moments, named this “strategic surprise.”

By showing up in a Batman costume, Jack’s dad defied expectations with strategic surprise. As a result, he cemented a memorable experience with his son.

How can we break the script (without a Batman costume)?

• Be calm in a crisis
• Pitch in to help without being asked
• Email our boss praising someone else
• Bring a puzzle to a team meeting
• Send a homemade gift
• Buy coffee for a crossing guard or stranger in line

Where can you break the script to surprise, delight, and cement a memorable experience? 

Author Joseph Campbell astutely observed “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

As we celebrated my mom’s 75th birthday recently, it occurred to me that she has been on a lifelong quest for the experience of being alive:

• When I was growing up, my mom constantly adopted new hobbies: sewing, painting, crocheting, basket weaving, antique collecting
• When she wanted to earn more money, she became a real estate agent and then the managing broker
  (Her agents still reflect, “No matter how busy your mom was, she always made time for me.”)
• When my sister needed a kidney transplant, my mom donated hers without hesitation
• And she won’t walk by someone homeless without offering food or money
• After being widowed, she traveled to China alone
• Upon her return, she tried Match.com
• And then at 70 she walked down the aisle again (including a bachelorette party!)
• She once pulled an all-nighter with me for the best seats at the Macy’s Day Parade
• After the election, she attended the March on Washington
• Last year she biked Iowa with me
• Last month she started doing yoga
• Last week she tried OrangeTheory Fitness
• And for 40 years she has done it all in long red nails

I can synthesize her strategies to “experience being alive” as follows:

1. Keep perspective (“What’s the worst that can happen?”)
2. Say “yes!” first; figure out the how later
3. Always have a ticket to the next adventure
4. Make others feel important
5. Go out of your way to help people

While my mom doesn’t talk about the meaning of life, she never passes up an opportunity to experience something new or to make a difference for someone else.

According to the I Ching… before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos.

And that describes the International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque, NM, the largest celebration of hot air ballooning.

It was 5:00AM when we entered Balloon Fiesta Park with thousands of people from around the world. We immediately walked to the field to secure a spot on the sidelines, ready to witness the show.

Shortly thereafter, hundreds of balloon vehicles drove onto the field to set up in the dark.

And then a strange thing happened… the massive crowd started flooding the field, ignoring the sidelines and the lack of lights, paths, or markings.

We quickly ditched our seats to join them. As we walked through the field, crews were unpacking balloon baskets, unfolding balloon bags (called “envelopes”), checking wires, testing propane equipment, and inflating balloons (first on their side before they are lifted to a standing position).

It was mass chaos... 100,000 people, 500 horizontal hot air balloons inflating, flammable propane cylinders, and the darkness of dawn.

But out of that chaos came brilliance.

The crews worked around us without complaint. The crowd ebbed and flowed around the crews and the inflating balloons. And everyone cheered as each balloon ascended into the air.

Arguably we should have been confined to the sidelines for safety and security reasons. And even observing from afar would have been beautiful. But it would not have allowed for the amazing experience of standing amongst hot air balloons as they came to life and defied gravity.

Being on the field in the middle of the mass ascension seemingly without any order had me wondering if it was done by design…

…as if to remind us that in the moments of chaos in our lives, we must trust that brilliance will follow.