All Posts by Ann Tardy

Too busy? Nope. Too afraid.

Because they don’t know how to mentor, they’re concerned about failing to help a mentee.

Here’s the good news… mentees don’t need nor want fixing, changing, or saving. They simply want a guide, a thought partner, and a champion.

Then what is causing this spate of low mentor confidence? Excessive self-expectations, harsh self-judgment, fear, lack of skill, and lack of experience.

So, how can anyone increase their mentoring confidence and learn to mentor? By mentoring others.

Here is a framework to get started…

3 Things to Ask Yourself

1. What do I want to get out of mentoring?
2. What experiences have I had that would be valuable to share?
3. What advice would I give someone having a similar experience?

3 Things to Learn about a Mentee

1. What’s important to them?
2. What expectations do they have?
3. What do they want to get out of working together?

3 Questions to Ask your Mentee to Build Trust

1. Where did you grow up? Tell me your story.
2. Describe your professional journey. How did you choose this career?
3. How do you spend your time outside of work?

3 Questions to Ask your Mentee in Each Meeting

1. What will make this meeting a success for you?
2. What progress have you made on your goal, and what insights have you gained?
3. What do you want to accomplish before our next meeting?

3 Actions to Avoid

1. Fixing or rescuing
2. Preaching, dictating, scolding, or admonishing
3. Breaching confidentiality

3 Ways to Share Wisdom

1. Here’s a similar experience I had…
2. Here’s what I learned, my insights…
3. Here are the choices I made next…

3 Ways to be a Thought Partner

1. What problem is this solving?
2. What impact will this have?
3. What else have you considered?

3 Ways to Contribute

1. Recommend strategies
2. Recommend books
3. Recommend people

3 Ways to Check In on Your Relationship

1. How has our mentoring made a difference for you so far?
2. How can I help you feel more supported?
3. What have we not yet addressed or accomplished?

We don’t need to be champions to start mentoring. We just need to start mentoring to be champions.

Mentoring is confidence in action.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Colin Farrell, winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor for The Banshees of Inisherin this year, acknowledged his director, Martin McDonough: “Fourteen years ago, you changed the trajectory of my life forever in ways that I will be grateful to you for the rest of my days.”

Ke Huy Quan, winning the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once this year, immediately thanked his first boss Stephen Spielberg for giving him a chance when he was a child actor.

Austin Butler, winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor for Elvis this year, thanked Denzel Washington for “championing me when you did not have to.” (After Washington and Butler starred together on Broadway, Washington recommended Butler to Elvis director Baz Luhrmann.)

When Sheryl Lee Ralph won an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress for Abbott Elementary in 2022, she praised her mentor, the show’s creator Quinta Brunson, for being in her corner.

When Ben Platt won a Tony for Leading Actor for Dear Evan Hansen in 2017, he gushed, “Dad, you’re my hero – you taught me that you have to be a decent human being to be a decent artist.”

When Jamie Foxx won an Oscar for Best Actor for Ray in 2005, he shared the words his grandmother often said to him, “Stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you’ve been somewhere.”

When Julia Roberts accepted her Oscar for Best Actress for Erin Brockovich in 2001, she heartfully thanked film director Steven Soderberg: “You truly made me want to be the best actor that I never knew I could be or aspire to.”

When Tom Hanks accepted his Oscar for Best Actor for Philadelphia in 1994, he revealed, “I would not be standing here if it were not for Mr. Rawley Farnsworth, my high school drama teacher who taught me to act well the part, there all the glory lies.”

But it was record producer Jimmy Iovine, inducted into the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in 2022, whose acceptance speech specifically identified mentoring as the gateway to success.

He emphasized, “Thank the people who mentored you and try to return all those favors by being some kind of mentor for somebody else whenever you can. Because the truth is that no one gets to a moment like this alone. So, to all who made my life story possible, thank you!”

We don’t get to any significant moment, mission, or milestone alone. Is it time to return the favor?

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Huh? He then explained, “You can put your big toe on the floor.”

What?!? That’s not even a “baby step.” That’s just a toe.

But it is progress. And that progress is bolstering my mom’s determination to walk again. Every hour during the day, she stands up using her walker and places that toe on the floor.

It’s a micro-commitment.

The micro-commitment is a strategy used in sales and marketing. By gaining agreements through tiny, incremental decisions, we increase the likelihood that a person will continue to engage in the process.

For example, asking someone to type their name into a field on a webpage is a “micro-commitment.” The person does not agree to purchase anything, merely to provide their name – a small commitment, a toe on the floor.

The micro-commitment is a valuable tool for any ambition. Because when we experience tiny, incremental accomplishments, we feel successful, which fuels our perseverance.

In mentoring, a micro-commitment can be as simple as sending a check-in text, taking a note, or confirming the time for the next meeting.

According to Dr. Robert Wubbolding, a pioneer of Reality Theory, there are 5 levels of commitment:

Level 1: Lack of commitment (strong resistance)
Level 2: Outcome without effort (wish, hope, fantasy)
Level 3: Trying (willing to do something)
Level 4: Do my best (consistent action)
Level 5: Whatever it takes (persevering without excuses)

In this goal-obsessed, resolution-surrendering, self-flagellating month, the secret to tenacity is applying Level 5 to a micro-commitment.

In other words, do whatever it takes to put that toe down again and again.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Reflecting on the articles I wrote for you each week in 2022, I’m resharing the 8 that generated the most conversation:

Five Questions to Seize Our 4,000 Weeks
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-5-questions-to-seize-our-4000-weeks/

Three Roadblocks to Advice (and the Way Around Them)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-3-roadblocks-to-advice-and-the-way-around-them/

Obsession Beats Talent
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-obsession-beats-talent/

More Insights Less Information
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-more-insights-less-information/

My High School Mentor Mentored Me Again
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-my-high-school-mentor-mentored-me-again/

When Jack Followed His Passion
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-jack-followed-his-passion/

When My Boss Invited Me to Mentor Him
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-my-boss-invited-me-to-mentor-him/

When We Cheered for the Farmer and the Calf
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-we-cheered-for-the-farmer-and-the-calf/

It is a joy to be on this bigger-better-bolder journey with you! Wishing you a seminal year ahead!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Instead of hiding behind the eggnog, here are seven strategies to improve the adventure of these interactions:

1. Edit.
It is not necessary to react to everything you notice, feel, or experience. Instead, edit your comments for the outcome you desire.

2. Mute your face.
While you might successfully prevent an unpleasant comment or curse from becoming audible, your face could easily betray you with a daggered scowl or theatrical eye-roll. So, if you mute some words, don’t forget to mute your face.

3. Seek space.
Space offers you the freedom to choose a response instead of emotionally blurting a reaction. Seek to add physical and sequential space between an instigator and your response. How? Try a Pause Button Statement, like “I wasn’t expecting that. Give me a moment to catch up.”

4. Huh!
Provided it’s said with sincerity, “Huh!” is a hip-pocket space-creator. Along with “Interesting!” “That makes sense!” and “That’s a good point,” “Huh” communicates engagement, acknowledgment, and curiosity.

5. Tell me about…
With three simple words, you can validate someone and their experience. (Caution: don’t kill the gesture by being a lazy listener.)

6. Compliment unabashedly
No one is inconvenienced by genuine praise. And “That’s amazing!” or “You look terrific!” or “This food is delightful!” will spark a chorus of compliments, allowing the receiver to feel appreciated – what a gift!

7. Say, “Thanks for thinking of me!”
Regardless of the caliber of the present, someone thought of you! For that, be flattered and gracious.

Happy Holidays!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

For the next few years, Charlie collaborated on many songs and produced two albums, including the smash single “One Call Away” with Selena Gomez.

But in early 2020, Charlie was struggling with his music. Eventually, he decided to scrap his work on a much-anticipated third album, announcing to his fans, “none of the music feels real.”

Around this time, Charlie was dining at a restaurant in West Hollywood when the restaurant’s maître d’ approached him. He said, “Elton John would like to meet you.” (Through a friend, Elton had heard an early version of Charlie’s third album.)

Elton told Charlie, “That music you just put out is not very good.”

Charlie was a bit taken aback – as he recalls, “it stung for two minutes.”

But not because he disagreed with Elton but because Elton said precisely what Charlie was thinking right before that meal – he confirmed Charlie’s decision.

And that’s how Elton spot-mentored Charlie.

Spot Mentoring is sharing in a moment a hard-won perspective with the hope of making a difference.

Three requirements for Spot Mentoring to work:
1. Credibility
2. Benevolence
3. Contribution

Unlike mentoring relationships, Spot Mentoring doesn’t demand a bedrock of trust, goals, and structure. Instead, it starts with an observation, often by a stranger, someone who is an authority, an expert, or a leader in a particular area. Fueled by generosity, they want to contribute their insights to make an impact. 

And while typically unsolicited, Spot Mentoring is not about judging, criticizing, or offering advice. Instead, it’s about intentionally validating someone’s experience or revealing an opportunity.  

Charlie didn’t seek guidance from Elton – they hadn’t even met yet! And Elton didn’t attack, reprimand, or berate – he didn’t even offer Charlie any advice.

Rather, the iconic crooner took the initiative to leverage his wisdom gained from decades in the music industry and nudge a floundering musician.

When you see an opportunity to do some good with your experiences or expertise, dare to engage.

Mentoring makes us better human beings through relationships. Spot Mentoring works on our humanity in moments.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

On a scenic drive through Point Reyes National Park in California, I passed a farm and spotted a cow lying on its side, starting to give birth.

Overjoyed at the serendipity, I pulled over and stood at the fence to watch. But nothing happened – the mother was in distress.

Being the only witness, I drove to the farmhouse to alert the farmer. Concerned but prepared, he followed me with the necessary equipment. We returned to a crowd that had gathered, cars parked up and down the street.

With his tools, the farmer helped the cow deliver her baby.

But the calf wasn’t moving – and neither was the crowd. We were aghast.

The farmer looked over at all of us standing behind the fence. Anxiety swept over his face – as he couldn’t let this calf die in front of all these people!

So, he started pushing on the calf’s chest, hoping to bring air and life into the newborn. But nothing happened.

The crowd was chillingly quiet as we held our collective breath, willing the calf to breathe. No one moved.

Feeling a certain kinship with the farmer, I started cheering, “Keep going!” I clapped to encourage him, and the crowd quickly joined me.

We were uproariously whooping, hollering, and cheering for the farmer and the calf. With each effort the farmer made, we clapped and clamored, “Keep going!” and “Come on!”

After what felt like an eternity, the calf lifted its head, coughed, and jumped up. He was alive!

The crowd went crazy, screaming with joy and applauding in celebration! 

The farmer walked over to the fence as we watched the mother start feeding her baby.

He said to me, “Thank you. There were many moments when I felt like giving up and declaring the calf dead, but then I heard all of you cheering. It kept me going – I didn’t want to stop.”

We couldn’t rescue the farmer. We couldn’t help him or fix the situation. Heck, we couldn’t even give him any advice.

All we could do was cheer. But the cheering was the catalyst.

As mentors and leaders, sometimes people just need us to stand at the fence and cheer.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In self-directed mentoring programs, people show up with a purpose: a goal. They then use the search & connect tools to find a mentor who can contribute to that goal.

The goal ignites the search for a mentor.

Conversely, in managed programs, the emphasis is on recruiting and matching participants. And the notion of a “goal” is relegated to an agenda item at the program kickoff.

The match prompts the need to find a goal.

Unfortunately, this “find some goal!” approach leaves many mentees cringing at the thought of “another thing to do.” They often disregard or dismiss their mentors if they can’t think of one, claiming, “I’m too busy!”

Without a goal, mentees often flounder, confused about how or why to engage.

But when a mentee is fueled by a compelling purpose, they become determined to find a mentor to obtain the advice they need, thus prioritizing the relationship with unfettered resolution.

Whether in a self-directed or managed program, prioritize your goal before a match. Identify your “why” before your “who.”

Wait! What if the word “goal” feels daunting or brazen? What if it’s confronting to create a plan for the future when you can’t even see around the corner?

Pick a “mentoring focus” instead.

What is a mentoring focus? An area of your life where you urgently need a thought partner, a champion, an advocate, a trusted advisor, a guide, or a confidante. For example,

•  improving a current situation
•  handling an in-the-moment crisis
•  taking on a new project
•  grappling with an obstacle or a decision
•  navigating a transition

Sure, big, hairy, audacious goals are borne out of aspirations for a better horizon. But we only get there with a multitude of small steps. And those steps require a focus – your why for embracing a mentor.

When you have a captivating cause, a mentor becomes the gateway to your future!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.