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It’s Hard to Distrust Up Close

In the National Geographic documentary entitled, Gender Revolution, the host Katie Couric, quoting Dr. Oz, emphasized, “It’s hard to hate up close.”

Such a powerful statement. Think of the prolific hatred online, people passing judgment over complete strangers while hiding behind a keyboard…

What does this have to do with our commitment to lead while managing? Everything.

It’s not just hard to hate up close; it’s hard to distrust up close.

As managers who lead, we are in a constant battle with distrust – it rages like wildfire. And when distrust looms, it is nearly impossible for us to make a difference with people.

So how does “up close” alter distrust?

Disconnection breeds distrust. The more disconnected people are from each other, the more they assume, speculate, and postulate. Essentially we make up stories. And unchecked, stories yield suspicion and distrust.

But when we are “up close” with people, we get to know them and they get to know us. We discover their experiences, we invalidate our stories. And from this personal connection, trust flourishes.

So our priority needs to be: get up close with our people.

Be curious about others
Ask about their experiences – personally and professionally
Stop relying on email and texts to connect and communicate
Pick up the phone
Use video conferencing (this is a game-changer for my team)
Show up in person – be with people
Seek their side of the story
Address conflict intentionally
Create together – plans, ideas, solutions

As we connect with people personally, our assumptions, fabrications, and speculations about them – and theirs about us – evaporate. And that allows trust to prosper.

We just need to get up close.

0 Do You Speak in Bullets and Listen in Paragraphs?

People are distracted.

They multi-task.
They skim.
They defer to emoticons, texts, and pictures.
They are inundated with sound bites, ads, alerts, IMs, and scrolling news blasts.

Research shows that the human attention span has dropped to 8 seconds – even less than goldfish!

If we want to lead while managing, we need to capture attention, command respect, and cement our leadership presence. We need to speak in bullets and listen in paragraphs.

To speak in bullets:

be brief
highlight important points
skip the backstory
use metaphors to captivate, bolster comprehension, and increase retention

If and when your audience wants more information, they’ll ask for it.

To listen in paragraphs:

start with questions
ask follow-up questions to dig deeper
use your face to express interest and commitment
take notes
ignore everything and everyone else

You’ll quickly discover that most people communicate unintentionally – they speak in paragraphs and listen in bullets.

But we can help people develop these essential leadership skills, thereby increasing their efficiency, their effectiveness, and their impact.

How? Start by teaching people how to speak in bullets.

Give them a time limit: “I only have 2 minutes.”
Interrupt their meandering with, “I’m going to interrupt you.”
Then ask, “What’s the question?”
or “What is the key information I need to know?”
or “Where do you need the most help?”
Remind people: “I don’t need the back story yet.”

If we want to be seen as a leader and develop other leaders, we need to start with intentional speaking and purposeful listening. Fewer adjectives, more verbs.

Does it Matter if We Achieve our Goals?

What if achieving our goals doesn’t matter?

What if the power of setting goals lies not in accomplishing them but in who we have to become to accomplish them?

When we earnestly pursue goals, we change our behavior, we improve our processes, we take on new actions. To be successful in our goals, we have to become the person it takes to be successful.

And ultimately becoming that person is as important as (if not more than) accomplishing the goal.

Think of any goal you have achieved. Who did you become to achieve that goal?

Did you become:

a morning person
organized with your time
determined and perseverant, even brazen
focused on your health, your skills, or your passion
confident and direct in your interactions with others
more courageous

Admittedly, all of these changes and improvements we make in the pursuit of a goal are possible without the goal, but the goal seduces us into action.

When I have a goal to write a book or complete a bike ride, I become militant about my time, clear about my priorities, and purposeful in my conversations. I am switched on. I ask better questions. I am more enthusiastic.

Pursuing the goal of writing a book or cycling a part of the country makes me a more efficient, effective, and engaged person.

So while accomplishing the goal is our reward for the grit, perhaps it’s not about the goal. Perhaps it’s about setting compelling goals that lure us into becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves.

Can Motion Actually Be the Goal?

I have been editing.

Not a document…my life.

I’ve been editing my house, my office, my closets and cabinets, my clothes, my news consumption, my books, my conversations, and even my time.

I don’t know if I’m more shocked by the things I’m finding (medicine dated 2009!) or by the reality of what I tolerate. I have been operating around piles (literal and figurative) without taking action.

I didn’t start the year with a resolution or a goal about editing. I started the year with a commitment to Get Stuff Done. To do something instead of just make lists. To move.

But can motion actually be the goal?

Research shows that happier people move more. A study of over 10,000 people using wearable technology revealed that people can increase their mood just with slight physical activity – by moving!

It’s not about exercise, running a marathon, or scaling mountains. It’s about staying in motion.

And that’s how I started to edit.

Here are some other simple ways to start moving:

Take the stairs
Stand up when the phone rings
Walk around while talking on the phone (stop looking at emails!)
Sit strong and stand strong by engaging the abs
Fix or discard broken items
Donate “someday” clothes (someday I’ll wear it)
Greet people with a smile and confident handshake
Wave to people across the street
Get a dog (ok, not simple, but lots of walking and waving)

When our motion impacts our emotion, it’s time to start moving… whatever that looks like for you!

I Have a Leader Crush on Arkadi Kuhlmann

I admit it. I have a leader crush on Arkadi Kuhlmann, the founder and former CEO of ING Direct.

Why? Because he leads with conviction.

He believes passionately that the banking industry needs to be reinvented.
So he recruited from outside the industry to infuse the team with fresh ideas and to combat those of grizzled veterans.
He then painted a white line outside the building’s entrance to remind employees that once they cross it, they are leaving the sleepy world to enter a different kind of place.
He also posted a sign above the exit for employees to read as they left work that asked: “Did today really matter?”
And to create accountability, every year he asked employees to vote whether he should serve as CEO for another year.

How can we similarly use our own passion to ignite enthusiasm and engagement?

Start with a conviction (What belief grounds your commitment to lead?)
Share that conviction until people own it
Pepper physical reminders of that conviction around them
Model that conviction in our behaviors and actions
Ask people to hold us accountable to that conviction

It takes courage to be a manager. It takes heroism to manage with conviction!

Why Cousin Lynn Crosses a Finish Line Every Month

In January, my Cousin Lynn created a goal to compete in a race every month for the entire year.

When resolutions were inescapable, this sounded aspirational. But as the months roll by, her resolve is noteworthy.

More than half of goal-chasers fail, quick to blame circumstances or their lack of motivation or willpower. But goal-catchers are successful because of their commitment, not because of their circumstances, motivation, or willpower.

Here’s how Cousin Lynn stays committed month after month:

1. Public Declaration. Announcing her goal to friends and family creates the social and internal pressure to stick to it. (Psychologists call this the Rule of Commitment.)

2. Construct Smaller Goals. The race-a-month format conveniently frames her smaller goals.

3. Celebrate Progress and Small Wins. Every month she sends me her crossing-the-finish-line picture, and I cheer.

4. Constantly Eliminate Barriers. When the winter offered no races, she flew to a warmer city to compete.

5. Be Intentional. Every month she researches and identifies the race for the next month.

6. Persevere. The summer was overloaded with family obligations, so she found ways to train around them. (When I was in town, she had us visiting on bicycles!)

7. Be Resilient. When August’s mud-run was cancelled, she quickly signed up for a 5K. Cousin Lynn didn’t just make a New Year’s resolution. She made a commitment (a promise to herself!) that has her consistently taking actions instead of making excuses.

Whether the goal is personal or professional, being committed differentiates the goal-chasers from the goal-catchers.

0 Why Olympian Gabby Douglas Chooses Slow-to-Speak

Gold-medal gymnast Gabby Douglas has a new motto: “slow to speak”

Having learned the hard way amid controversies in the 2012 and 2016 Olympics, she is now committed to listening before reacting.

Gabby gets it! Whether we’re leading our team, our children, or Olympic spectators, people are constantly judging us by our reactions and our responses.

Reacting is understandable – we are stressed by pressure, upset by missed expectations, or incensed by injustice. Out of anger or frustration, we easily become fast-to-speak.

But reacting reveals our surly side. Fast-to-speak betrays our commitment to be intentional, empowering, empathetic leaders. And that betrayal erodes people’s loyalty to and trust in us. Not surprisingly, people perceive reactive leaders as less effective.

Alternatively, slow-to-speak affords us the opportunity to be mindful, suspend our judgments, and increase our compassion.

Research shows that people trust their leaders more when they witness their compassion and kindness, and less when they don’t.

And when people trust their leaders, performance improves.

We could win a gold medal in the category of leading if we simply choose more often slow-to-speak.

Why St. Paul’s Cathedral Banned Photos

No Photos Allowed! read signs throughout St. Paul’s Cathedral in London.

Curious, I asked why. A curator explained: “The tour guides got frustrated because people were too busy taking pictures and not paying attention.”

Essentially, they were tired of competing with smartphones!

The draconian restriction worked. The church was scattered with enrapt tourists intently listening to the guides.

Named the iPhone Effect, psychologists have discovered that the mere presence of a smartphone (even if not being used) inhibits conversation.

Why? Because the smartphone divides our attention between the proximate and the possible. The person in front of us and the world of people potentially calling, texting, tweeting, and posting.

When our smartphone is on the table or in our hands, the other person knows they are competing for our attention, and this distract-ability diminishes the quality of our interaction.

The conversation remains shallow, careening instead of flowing.
Consequently, people restrict their responses.
And this decreases our empathy.

Ironically, being constantly connected is interfering with our connections.

Because leading intentionally depends on these connections, our rapt attention and empathy are essential. And so our challenge: to deliberately disconnect.

Maybe we need to post our own sign occasionally: No Smartphones Allowed.