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Is Success on the Other Side of Fear?

By January 31, 33% of people abandon their New Year’s resolutions. And by June, 77% of people forget they ever had resolutions. Which might explain why only 40% of people even set resolutions each year.

Some experts argue that failure is inevitable because our resolutions/goals are too lofty, too foggy, too easy, or too hard. Other research suggests that we are too busy to stay committed, we suffer from decision fatigue, we don’t plan our goals, and we don’t have anyone to support us.

What if the only thing standing in our way is fear? “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” (George Adair) But what are we afraid of?

Failing (being part of the 77% of resolution quitters!)
Succeeding (and then having to sustain success all year)
Judgment and Criticism (by those not changing or improving)
Disappointment (what if the change is not as great as anticipated?)
Comparison (what if our resolution/goal is not as ambitious as other people’s?)
Hard Work (don’t we already work hard enough?)
Being Uncomfortable (there’s a reason for remote controls and drive-thrus)
Change (we’ve finally figured things out so why endure change?)
Lack of Aspiration (what if we don’t even know what we want?)

If we acknowledged our fears first, we could walk to the other side of them and then employ all the sage, habit-changing, goal-achieving advice and strategies:

Write goals down
Put them in the positive
Share them with others
Get a mentor for support
Anchor a new habit to another habit
Execute a goal in chunks
Work on them early each day

We don’t need another holiday ritual to make us feel inadequate. We just need to face our fears before they sabotage our success.

Stop Saying I’m So Busy! (and Reclaim Your Sanity)

We are constantly deluged with an unmanageable amount of information screaming for our attention.

Each day:

269 billion email messages are sent
8 trillion text messages are sent
500 million tweets are tweeted

Astoundingly, 90% of the data in the world today was created in the past 2 years. (IBM Marketing Cloud 2016) It’s not surprising that we get overwhelmed and overpowered by information. Defensively, we utter the phrase, “I’m so busy” like a salutation, “Good morning! I’m so busy!” So what can we do to stop drowning?

Identify our essentials
Consume only the information that contributes to our essentials

Without vigilantly deploying these filters, any information can seem intriguing, interesting, or important. To identify essentials… “Essential” gets defined by our aspirations, our goals, our commitments, our vision, and our battle cry. We need to ask, “What are my aspirations [goals, commitments, vision, battle cry] for my career, my family, my heath, my finances, and my life?”

To determine what information is important… Pause to evaluate: “Does this information [email, text, tweet, data, Yahoo story, LinkedIn announcement, Facebook update, YouTube cat video] I’m about to consume contribute to or contaminate one of my aspirations?” (“Contaminate” is any distraction, derailment, or sabotage.)

If the information does not help us move toward that which is important to us (our aspirations!), we need to: resist it, trash it, return it, or ignore it.

The only way to survive the deluge is by taking back our power over the information.

When we don’t use filters, we don’t have control. And then we helplessly grouse, “I’m so busy!”

We can do better than that…

Listen to their Listening (or Just Stop Speaking)

In an old episode of the television comedy Will & Grace, narcissistic Karen is at a cocktail party talking with her friends while scanning the room. Suddenly she exclaims, “Better people! Gotta go!”

While we could blame the Karens of the world for being incredibly rude, we are always responsible for our own communications. Part of our responsibility is listening to people’s listening. When we listen to people, we listen for their words. When we listen to people’s listening, we are listening for what they are not saying, such as:

I am distracted or bored
I am unsure or confused
I am stressed or overwhelmed
I am upset or don’t agree

When we speak, we are focused on our words. When we listen to people’s listening, we are focused on their experience of our words. Notice the following when speaking with anyone:

Eye contact: where are they looking?
Focus: are their eyes glazed, clearly thinking about other things?
Face: are they smiling, frowning, furrowing their brows, or pursing their lips?
Body Language: are their arms crossed or open, are their shoulders square or seeking an exit?
Responses: do their comments or answers match the conversation or questions?
Distractions: can you hear them typing on a keyboard or see them glued to a screen?

And when our listening reveals that they are not listening, we can:

Stop talking: silence can be very loud
Ask a question: “what’s your perspective? what do you think?”
Acknowledge the distraction: “do you need to take that call/text?”
Reschedule the conversation: “this doesn’t seem to be a good time; shall we reschedule?”

If we want to be better bosses, colleagues, mentors, parents, and friends, we need to shift the spotlight from our stage to theirs by intentionally listening to their listening.

You’re Perfect and You Could Improve

Soto Zen Buddhist monk Shunryu Suzuki said…
“You are perfect just as you are, and you could use a little improvement.”

There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yet our world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:

Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how our product will fix it
Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to change you

But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths, instead of flail from our flaws.

With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can enthusiastically seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input from others by asking, “How can I improve from here?”

Without a need to defensively protect our ego, we can welcome suggestions and ideas, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks. Each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves – to be even more perfect.

So how do we get a little improvement? By seeking advice, perspectives, and ideas from others through:

mentoring and being mentored
coaching and being coached
attending classes and trainings
reading voraciously
joining mastermind groups

Now consider using this mindset to lead others: our people are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement. From here our job is to add the building blocks that contribute to our people being bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves. That’s the secret to becoming the boss people want to work for!

All by starting with perfect and improving from there…

What If We Were Evaluated Only On Our Passion?

One of my favorite movie lines can be heard at the end of the romantic comedy, Serendipity: “The Greeks didn’t write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: ‘Did he have passion?’”

* (This is partially true and partially Hollywood. The founders of Cyrenaic (435-356 BC) held this philosophy and they were Greek. But this practice was not true of all Greeks.)

What if we were evaluated only by our passion?

Would we spend our time differently at home and at the office?
How would we have to act and behave if passion was a requirement of our job?
Would we still prioritize our emails and altercations, or our impact and contributions?
Would we focus more on the output we deliver or the outcome we influence?

If passion were revered and valued at work, would we add it as a leadership competency and evaluate it during the annual performance review: “So Bob, how should we rate your passion this year?” … and perhaps reinvent the exit interview: “So Bob, did you have passion while you worked at our company?”

But what is passion? Intense enthusiasm, energy, and tenacity for something that excites us. Typically it manifests as:

unquenchable desire and devotion
an internal drive regardless of circumstances
dogged determination to make a difference
intrepid risk-taking in spite of doubters, naysayers, critics, and judges
obsession with improving: self, others, processes, products, profits
courage to challenge mediocrity, complacency, and the status quo

So what should do we do if we would fail the Greek’s obituary-test today?

Start creating passion… in moments. Soon enough, the moments will add up to define a passionate life. And even the Greeks won’t need to write an obituary about us!

0 What You Tolerate and Promote is What You Get

In an interview for the New York Times, Tae Hea Nahm, managing director of Storm Ventures, questioned the exercise of declaring values to create culture in an organization. He said, “Culture is defined by compensation, promotions, and terminations. Basically, people seeing who succeeds and fails in the company defines culture. T

he people who succeed become role models for what’s valued in the organization and that defines culture.”

Essentially, what you tolerate and promote is what you get. Values are aspirational, but people believe the actions and consequences they observe over the words they read.

As an example, if we tolerate bad bosses and bullies, we demonstrate that poor leadership and bullying are acceptable. And when we promote bad bosses and bullies to higher roles, we concede that poor leadership and bullying are not only acceptable, they’re valued.

Consequently, written proclamations such as, “We treat each other with respect” and “Leaders serve the success of others” are quickly ignored or disparaged.

A COO once said to me, “We’re not going to deal with that VP’s awful leadership style until the body count is high enough.”

In other words, we’re tolerating him until enough people leave. Eventually when his team’s turnover hit 100%, she fired him.

The COO didn’t just miss the opportunity to communicate that the VP’s behavior is unacceptable, she missed the opportunity to promote a culture of respect, accountability, and courage.

Culture isn’t written on paper; it’s created in our actions and behaviors, including those we tolerate and promote.

The Secret to Good Drivers and Bosses ….Predictability

In August when a van crossed directly in my path like a deer, I didn’t see it …until I crashed into it. The airbags went off, my car was destroyed. It was completely unpredictable. (Fortunately, no one was hurt.)

It’s predictability that allows thousands of drivers to safely traverse freeways at 70mph during rush hour. We can predict what other drivers are going to do because of their break lights, their turn signal indicators, and even their horns.

But when a car races by like Mario Andretti, dodging between vehicles without any indication, we are all forced to deal with the driver’s unpredictability. This causes fear, anger, and sometimes accidents.

Similarly, it’s our unpredictability as a boss that causes the most challenges for our teams.

When people can predict how we will operate, they can better engage with and support us. But when we change lanes without warning, our unpredictability causes frustration, aggravation, and often conflict. And this fractures the foundation of trust we need to lead.

What makes us unpredictable? Our…

foggy communications
unclear expectations
failure to respond or share information
emotional outbursts
unexplained changes
lack of follow-up and accountability

As an example, when we change directions without any conversation or get mad at someone without any explanation, we are like a bad driver changing lanes without signaling.

By becoming more predictable through our communications, we can not only foster more effective relationships, we can actually develop people in the process. How? Sharing our approach to various situations and decisions actually allows others to learn and improve.

Ultimately, when we are predictable in relationships, we can best respond, support, and serve each other’s success. Predictability makes driving cars, teams, and families actually work …without accidents.

Could the Law of Polarity Make Us More Compassionate?

The Law of Polarity states that everything has a polar opposite.

In physics, polarity is a basic feature of the universe. Positive and negative forces are foundational to the structure of every atom.

If everything has a polar opposite, then perhaps…

a problem cannot exist without a solution
an opinion cannot exist without an opposing opinion

Maybe the struggle we have lies in our failure to contemplate a solution or consider an opposing opinion.

As an example, Peter and Mary work as sales reps at an event company that just implemented a new policy whereby customers will not be charged for cancellations.

Peter is frustrated by the policy. He orders lunches and copies based on reservations. Why should he have to pay for no-shows? And how could he possibly manage his sales with such uncertainty? This policy makes it super easy for people to cancel. Mary has the polar opposite perspective and approach.

Mary is enthusiastic about the policy because of its ability to attract customers. In every sales conversation, she excitedly shares the benefit of working with her company: people can register now to save their seat and cancel any time. This policy makes it super easy for people to commit. Mary’s sales have gone up, while Peter’s have gone down.

Same policy. Opposing perspectives.

What if every problem we face actually has a solution that we just haven’t yet identified?
What if every argument has an opposing viewpoint that we just need to consider?
What if every negative experience has a positive experience that we just need to discover?

Of course, all of this requires that we suspend our judgment about a policy, situation, or person in favor of contemplation, consideration, and compassion.