[Flash] Yes to Regrets (No to Ruminating)

Jenna Rink: “Mom, do you have any regrets?”

Beverly Rink: “Well, Jenna, I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret making any of them. Because if I hadn’t made them, I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.” 

According to Dan Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret makes us better. 

Reflecting on a situation, we compare what is to what might have been. Our desire to decrease this “if only!” feeling causes us to take responsibility for our choices – past and future.

Per Dan Pink, regret can:

1. Improve our going-forward decisions
2. Strengthen our perseverance
3. Bestow a more profound sense of meaning in our choice

But it comes from reflecting, not ruminating. Rumination doesn’t help us clarify and instruct. Reflection does.

Regret can activate us, but only if we see regret as an opportunity to shift that which we are ruminating about.

Fifteen years ago, I broke up with a close friend, Elaine. While planning her wedding, Elaine felt enormous stress and anxiety from her interloping family. Frustrated by my inability to stop them, I lectured Elaine repeatedly about standing up to her family. Instead of being her champion and sounding board, I judged and berated her. And I became another person Elaine had to manage, please, and ultimately avoid. 

Not surprisingly, we stopped talking after the wedding.  

At first, I ruminated, replaying our pre-wedding conversations in my head over and over again, deeply regretting my behavior. I failed as a friend.

When I finally reflected on my actions and accepted responsibility, I became determined to do better. I reconnected with Elaine and apologized for my lack of compassion and my relentless criticizing. Today, I am an intentional friend to Elaine. I practice kindness, exercise my listen-but-don’t-fix skills, and engage in criticism-free conversations.

Bottom line: embrace regrets, but only if you or your mentee are willing to do the work to grow. If not, then aim for no regrets.

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment,”
attributed to Will Rogers, Rita Mae Brown, and Mark Twain.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.