To escape the cold this winter, I moved my family to Charleston for a few months.
I didn’t realize how much I would miss having Casual Friends…
According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, we need low-stakes relationships or “Casual Friends” – our favorite barista, other dog owners, neighbors, people we see regularly at the gym or church.
A 2014 study concluded that we feel happier with more Casual Friends
- they contribute to our sense of belonging to a community
- they increase our satisfaction at work and in life
So how can we create more Casual Friends? With intentional banter!
Here’s the formula I’ve been experimenting with:
1. Ask a Question. People love giving answers – it makes them feel good about themselves. And it creates an instant connection.
2. Commiserate on a safe topic: weather, traffic, crowds, lines, noise. People bond over shared experiences.
3. Compliment something – it communicates respect and interest. People like people who like them.
Here’s how this worked recently in my fitness class:
- I asked the woman next to me a question about the instructor’s cue
- I then commiserated with her about the difficult workout
- And then I complimented her on how easy she makes it look
Next time I saw her in class, I smiled and waved at my new Casual Friend.
Will we be best friends? No. I have enough of those. I just want to feel more connected to people around me and enjoy the moments.
While I am tempted to simply hide in my cell phone pretending to be busy, that won’t cure my stranger-among-strangers feeling.
So I’m practicing the Intentional Banter formula:
- Question
- Commiserate
- Compliment
- Smile
- Wave
- Repeat
And I’ve noticed that with more Casual Friends, I feel less like an impostor. Instead, I feel like I belong… and serendipitously, it helps others feel the same!
