[Flash] You Know What You Should Do? (a Solution for Unsolicited Advice Giving)

Unsolicited advice is well-intentioned support. We feel compelled to contribute wisdom that could help someone rather than selfishly hoard it.

MJ followed her confession with a reflection, “I feel like a historian. I want to tell people what I know.”

Brilliant! That fueled my suggestion to her, “Then share your stories and hard-earned wisdom like a historian, not like a parent.”

Parents often lead with an agenda.

• Some hover to prevent their children from failing (“helicopter parent”),
• Some remove obstacles (“snowplow parents”)
• Others shine the light on a path to guide their children (“lighthouse parents”)

But historians don’t have an agenda – they analyze, interpret, and communicate past events to understand human evolution over time.

When you show up like a historian, you share stories about events in your past and how they’ve shaped your evolution. Your audience can then translate and apply your experience and insights, tuck them away for future use, or ignore them altogether.

I practiced being a historian recently when a friend admitted that her oven has been unusable for two years – she’s been cooking for her family using only the stovetop!

This friend is younger, so the urge to respond like a parent was hard to resist. I caught “You-know-what-you-should-do” in my throat before it tainted her trust.

Instead, I responded with a story: “When we lived in a 100-year-old house, things broke often, like the screens on the porch. Eventually, we couldn’t use the porch. And then a realtor friend offered, ‘You’re going to have to fix those screens before you sell the house, so you might as well do it now and enjoy your porch.’ So, we did, and I loved sitting on that porch for three years before we sold the house.”

I have no underlying motive to get my friend to fix her oven. Whether she gets it fixed does not impact me. But I wanted to help without inadvertently expressing disapproval.

Showing up as a historian allowed me to offer my curated wisdom free from lecturing, judging, or pressuring her to take action.

By sharing a story with transformative-to-me advice, I made a difference, my friend preserved her power to choose, and our relationship strengthened.

As a historian, I can transform my unsolicited advice from condemnation to contribution.

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