[Flash] Water Don’t Weed (and Other Cardinal Rules of Being a Mentor)

Our monthly conversation started strong: I re-established trust, and when she regaled me with the latest in her ongoing saga, I practiced loud listening.

But suddenly, I heard the rescuer in me proclaiming, “You should…” “You must…” “Here’s what you need to do….” and “Go! Now!”

And like an over-eager, compliant Mentee, she “Yes!”-ed me, agreeing to implement my advice immediately.

I left the conversation feeling like a rockstar – I changed my Mentee’s life! I almost strained a muscle, patting myself on the back.

So when I received a disappointing text from her a week later with a sheepish update replete with excuses and apologies, I realized what I had done – I had broken a few cardinal rules of mentoring:

• I acted like she needed fixing
• I told her what to do
• I became invested in her executing my advice
• I failed to consider her people-pleasing nature

Cardinal Rules

1. Water Don’t Weed.
Mentees don’t need fixing. Mentees seek guidance and support as they traverse change and grow their careers.

2. Slow to Yes, Fast to Maybe.
Mentees often want to indulge us, which can rob them of critical thinking. Our position allows us to observe this need-to-please and encourage them to exchange their fast-Yeses for strong-maybes: “That’s an idea.” or “I’ll consider that.”

3. Challenge Don’t Cheer.
When a Mentee expresses a concern, we attempt to boost their confidence by gushing, “Don’t worry! You’re amazing! You’ve got this!” But doing so inadvertently invalidates their concerns.

They don’t need cheerleading. They need a thought partner who helps them navigate their worries: “What is causing this concern? Is there another way to frame the situation? What can you do to mitigate it? Here’s what I’ve tried …”

4. Question Marks Before Periods. 
Question marks help us dig deeper to ensure any story or advice will be relevant and valuable. Our job is to explore options with our Mentees, not flood them with platitudes and proverbs.

5. Improv Not an Orchestra.
The conductor of an orchestra knows precisely who is going to play which instrument at what time. Conversely, a comedian on an improv stage has no idea what words will appear next.

Treat mentoring like an improv exercise, not an orchestra performance. Be present, agile, and accepting, with a splash of levity.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.