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Bad events are stronger than good.

Research shows that we learn from and use negative information far more than positive information when making decisions.

Negative events have a greater impact on us than positive ones. Negative events are more memorable. An embarrassing moment, losing a friend, getting fired, receiving criticism, an altercation with a stranger. We are more motivated to avoid these bad situations than we are to pursue good ones.

It would make sense to focus on our failures to avoid replicating them. But our ego gets in the way of allowing our errors to serve as teaching tools, pointing to bad luck, unfortunate timing, or external circumstances to excuse our gaffes: the weather, the traffic, the sabotaging colleagues, the jerk in the store, our manager’s poor judgment, the short-sited client.

And society has convinced us to study successful people through books, magazines, speakers, and movies. The reality, however, is that success is hard to replicate. There are too many factors involved.

Failure, however, can easily be replicated. So let’s focus on others’ failures, mistakes, gaffes, errors, and missteps so we don’t replicate them:

• When engaging with a Mentor, ask about their mistakes and lessons learned
• When talking with anyone about their success, ask about what didn’t work
• When reading about successful people in books and magazines, focus on their errors and blunders
• When in awe of role models, notice their miscalculations and gaffes
• Keep a list of failures, fiascos, and flops of other people, teams, and companies
• Then study the list regularly

Warren Buffet’s business partner, Charles Munger, keeps an inanities list and a file of foolishness filled with other people’s missteps, errors, and bad judgment. He studies it to ensure he doesn’t replicate them.

Create your own Fiascos and Flops List and reference it before making decisions. When everyone else is trying to parrot the successful, you’ll be busy generating your own success.

Lower your expectations.

I first heard this advice at RAGBRAI, the annual bike ride across Iowa held the last week of July. When my friends and I arrived at camp to start the adventure, the head of our outfitter, Pork Belly Ventures, welcomed us with the following, “This is going to be a great week. But here’s the reality: It’s hot. You’re sleeping in a tent. And you’re riding with 10,000 cyclists into towns built for 400 residents. Just lower your expectations.”

Brilliant. Most employed advice of the week. Whenever anything was about to cause an upset (like the mid-week downpour and tent-flooding), we would look at each other and say, “Lower your expectations.”

When our expectations are high, we easily get disappointed, angry, and upset. In fact, conflict is merely the result of missed expectations. One person’s expectations are higher than another person’s. That gap produces the conflict.

If you’re like me, however, you’re suddenly looking at an entire career rippled with high expectations of people. You cannot fathom lowering them for fear of breeding complacency and mediocrity!

But here’s why we should heed the advice from RAGBRAI and apply it to work:

• We can have high expectations of things we manage: time, money, budgets, deadlines, and projects.
• We get in trouble when we place high expectations on things we do not manage and therefore cannot control: weather, traffic, airlines, family, and people.

We manage things and we lead people. Expectations are things to be managed. People are not.

So what should we do with those high expectations we have been dumping on people? Exchange those expectations for aspirations.

As leaders, our commitment is for people to be wildly successful. So we need high aspirations for them. And only through leading can we contribute to and influence their success with those aspirations. We influence aspirations. We control expectations. 

New Rules

• If you cannot control it, then lower your expectations around it.
• Exchange those high expectations of people with high aspirations for them.
• Then influence the success of those aspirations by relentlessly leading and contributing.
• Lower your expectations. Raise your aspirations.

Caveat: Lowered expectations does not mean no expectations. You must have minimum standards of expectations for every role.

Try on this perspective this week! Let me know how it looks through the kaleidoscope.

If you want to influence anyone, trust is imperative.

People only follow people they trust, regardless of titles.

When you have the privilege of leading or mentoring others, trust is your bedrock to success. If you attempt to lead or mentor without it, you breed micromanagement, resentment, dis-involvement, and even active disruption.

Here are 7 ways to accelerate and strengthen the trust you need in order to lead others:

1.  Commonalities::  When we discover something in common, we feel connected. Commonalities bond people automatically. I love dogs. So I am instantly more trusting of others who love dogs. Seek out common grounds.

2.  Interest::  When we sincerely seek to learn about someone else, to appreciate our diversity, to understand their choices, experiences, and situations, we fuel trust. When we lack interest, however, we feed assumptions, judgments, and even prejudices – theirs and ours. Express a sincere interest in your differences.

3. Compassion::  When we offer empathy rather than indifference, we kindle trust. Before thrusting a change onto people, we need to first meet them where they are. Be empathic and understanding.

4.  Experiences::  When we have experiences with others – projects, workshops, off-sites, retreats, community volunteering – we strengthen trust. There is a reason we still have those friends from high school. Our lives may be completely different now, but the experiences we shared as teenagers bonded us. Intentionally create experiences to bring you together.

5.  Vulnerability::  When we share something personal or reveal some fears or aspirations, our vulnerability invites theirs, which promotes trust. We trust people who are genuine and we disconnect from people who are inauthentic. Drop your defenses and expose your authenticity.

6.  Integrity::  When we do the right thing even when no one is looking, when we share credit for an idea or the success of a project, when we follow up as we promised, we operate with integrity. And people trust people with integrity. Our lies, however – even little white lies – will invalidate that trust. Demonstrate honesty of character.

7.  Consistency::  When we execute, when we communicate, when we show up, time and time again, people trust us. Our consistency accelerates trust. Exhibit consistent actions.

If you want to uplevel your influence, start with trust.

If trust was easy to generate, it wouldn’t be so valuable.

“Ann! I’m so sorry I haven’t reached out. I have been so busy!”

My stepdaughter texted me these words while I was on my latest cycling adventure.

I could only laugh.

She is 12. She was on summer break. She has no job, no schoolwork, no chores, and her only obligation was going to the beach every day with her friends.

(Good thing she is so cute!)

After wondering if she was practicing to be a 40-year-old with three kids and a full-time job, I realized that she was merely parroting what she hears from people in her life.

“I have been so busy!”

Isn’t it ironic that we are never too busy for things that are important to us? The operative words being “important to us.”

We are never too busy:

* to get married
* to have kids
* to take a vacation
* to workout
* to watch every episode of The Blacklist
* to go to the latest movie or read a page-turning book
* to go out to a nice dinner
* to update Facebook/Twitter/ Instagram
* to walk the dog
* to sleep in on summer break and then go to the beach

We make time for things that we deem a priority.

What we could say is, “I have a lot of priorities right now and that (or you) is not one of them.” or “My priorities are a bit messed up right now since I’m not making time for you.” or “I want to do that but I need to re-prioritize.”

That would be audacious, refreshingly honest, and even radically candid.

Seriously. Nobody is “so busy” … isn’t it just a matter of priorities?

Imagine my delight! I’ve been on a soapbox for years begging leaders to replace WIIFM with WSIC. Then I discovered that the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences published recently a paper that affirms my rant!

What’s WIIFM?

What’s In It For Me. With WIIFM people expect something in exchange for their efforts. I’ll do this if you give me that. But WIIFM is unsustainable, because it requires you to keep giving to me in order to keep getting from me. And after a while, I will want more for the same effort.

The following structures are fueled by WIIFM:

• Sales commissions
• Health benefits
• Union contracts
• Bonuses
• Pensions and other retirement benefits

What’s WSIC?

Why Should I Care. With WSIC, while people have to work for money, they show up because they know it matters. They’re passionate about the work or the impact of their work. They are self-motivated to contribute, take initiative, work hard, succeed, and progress. They know that their efforts make a difference.

WSIC drives many people to:

• Non-profits
• Start-ups
• The Peace Corps
• Teaching
• Performing arts (actors, musicians, dancers, artists)
• Social Work
• HR
• Practice medicine (doctors, nurses)
• Manage projects and lead teams

The Research Paper

Amy Wrzesniewski, associate professor of organizational behavior at Yale School of Management and Barry Schwartz, professor of psychology at Swarthmore College studied 11,320 cadets entering West Point over a 9-year period. They asked the cadets to rate the influence of various motives for attending the academy – some instrumental (ex: desire to get a good job later in life) and some internal (ex: desire to be a trained leader in the Army). They discovered that the stronger the internal motives (WSIC), the more likely the cadet would graduate and become a commissioned officer. Surprisingly, they also discovered that cadets with strong internal motives (WSIC) and strong instrumental motives (WIIFM) were less likely to graduate, less outstanding, and less committed. The presence of WIIFM actually thwarted success!

Why aren’t more leaders focused on WSIC?

We’ve been led to believe that people need commissions, bonuses, rewards, prizes, benefits, pensions, and retirement to show up to work, let alone stay motivated. But those instrumental motives (WIIFM) create merely fleeting motivation. They’re like bribes. When those motives are gone, so is the motivation. So, what will incentivize people to take action? A reason to care.

A Leader’s Job is to Influence WSIC

First, stop believing that you can motivate people. You can’t. They can only motivate themselves. You, however, can influence people to shift their focus from WIIFM to WSIC.

How?

• Ask people what they love about their job.
• Make it your responsibility to discover and know each person’s passion
• Find out why they chose their career and their job
• Ask: “What makes you show up to this particular job every day?”
• Share with people how their work matters to the team, to the company, and to the clients
• Give people opportunities to make a difference
• Regularly recognize their efforts and contributions
• Help people grow and progress so they are prepared to contribute and continue to make a difference

And don’t forget to intentionally shift your own focus from WIIFM to WSIC!

(Above is a picture of me and my good friend Alan at the border of Nevada and Utah. Alan joined me for part of my cross-country bike ride in 2011. I pedaled 4,240 miles to put my finger on WSIC and then produced a documentary showcasing what people love about their jobs.)