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“That’s crazy! Why are you doing that!?” my friend challenged. Lightning!

“Wow! That’s amazing. What was that like?” my other friend appreciated. Thunder!

Thunder claps. Lightning strikes.

• When we listen with thunder we clap with acknowledgement, recognition, interest, and support.
• When we listen with lightning we strike from defensiveness or judgment.

Why? When we listen with lightning, we take the focus off of the other person and we make it about us. We start to wonder… What does that person’s comment mean about me? If that person is growing, does that mean I’m shrinking? If that person has great news, does mine pale in comparison? If that person makes a bold decision or holds a strong opinion, does that question my decision or opinion? 

But when we listen with thunder, we engage with a steadfast focus on the other person. We are cognizant that acknowledging their success, their growth, their decision, and their opinion bears no reflection on our own.

And that takes awareness, intentionality, and courage.

If we are committed to serving the success of others, we need to listen with more thunder and less lightning.

I admit it. I have a leader crush on Arkadi Kuhlmann, the founder and former CEO of ING Direct.

Why? Because he leads with conviction.

1. He believes passionately that the banking industry needs to be reinvented.
2. So he recruited from outside the industry to infuse the team with fresh ideas and to combat those of grizzled veterans.
3. He then painted a white line outside the building’s entrance to remind employees that once they cross it, they are leaving the sleepy world to enter a different kind of place.
4.  He also posted a sign above the exit for employees to read as they left work that asked: “Did today really matter?”
5. And to create accountability, every year he asked employees to vote whether he should serve as CEO for another year.

How can we similarly use our own passion to ignite enthusiasm and engagement?

• Start with a conviction (What belief grounds your commitment to lead?)
• Share that conviction until people own it
• Pepper physical reminders of that conviction around them
• Model that conviction in our behaviors and actions
• Ask people to hold us accountable to that conviction

It takes courage to be a manager. It takes heroism to manage with conviction!

In January, my Cousin Lynn created a goal to compete in a race every month for the entire year.

When resolutions were inescapable, this sounded aspirational. But as the months roll by, her resolve is noteworthy.

More than half of goal-chasers fail, quick to blame circumstances or their lack of motivation or willpower. But goal-catchers are successful because of their commitment, not because of their circumstances, motivation, or willpower.

Here’s how Cousin Lynn stays committed month after month:

1. Public Declaration. Announcing her goal to friends and family creates the social and internal pressure to stick to it. (Psychologists call this the Rule of Commitment.)

2. Construct Smaller Goals. The race-a-month format conveniently frames her smaller goals.

3. Celebrate Progress and Small Wins. Every month she sends me her crossing-the-finish-line picture, and I cheer.

4. Constantly Eliminate Barriers. When the winter offered no races, she flew to a warmer city to compete.

5. Be Intentional. Every month she researches and identifies the race for the next month.

6. Persevere. The summer was overloaded with family obligations, so she found ways to train around them. (When I was in town, she had us visiting on bicycles!)

7. Be Resilient. When August’s mud-run was cancelled, she quickly signed up for a 5K. Cousin Lynn didn’t just make a New Year’s resolution. She made a commitment (a promise to herself!) that has her consistently taking actions instead of making excuses.

Whether the goal is personal or professional, being committed differentiates the goal-chasers from the goal-catchers.

Joey Votto, Cincinnati Reds first baseman, was chasing a foul ball heading toward the stands, hoping to catch an out in the seventh inning. Also positioning himself to catch that foul ball was a Reds-jersey-wearing fan sitting in the first row named Randy. When Votto missed the ball, he grabbed Randy’s jersey and seethed, “You’re a Reds fan, don’t get in my way!”

Randy apologized. Demonstrating respect and empathy, Randy’s apology immediately disarmed Votto’s anger. And suddenly Votto apologized too. After the game, the two talked, took pictures, and Votto gave him an autographed baseball that read: “Thanks for being so understanding.”

Remorseful, Votto acknowledged to reporters after the game that he had “bullied” Randy, who deserved to be treated with more respect.

What sparked Votto’s epiphany? Randy’s apology!

Research shows that apologies have the power to instantly heal. Receiving a sincere apology decreases a person’s blood pressure, slows their heart rate, and allows them to think clearly.

Having the courage to take responsibility is extremely powerful. As Randy and Votto discovered, it:

• disarms people
• prevents further misunderstanding
• increases empathy
• strengthens relationships
• fuels self-respect and self-esteem

Authentic and intentional apologies make us strong leaders and decent human beings.

No Photos Allowed! read signs throughout St. Paul’s Cathedral in London.

Curious, I asked why. A curator explained: “The tour guides got frustrated because people were too busy taking pictures and not paying attention.”

Essentially, they were tired of competing with smartphones!

The draconian restriction worked. The church was scattered with enrapt tourists intently listening to the guides.

Named the iPhone Effect, psychologists have discovered that the mere presence of a smartphone (even if not being used) inhibits conversation.

Why? Because the smartphone divides our attention between the proximate and the possible. The person in front of us and the world of people potentially calling, texting, tweeting, and posting.

When our smartphone is on the table or in our hands, the other person knows they are competing for our attention, and this distract-ability diminishes the quality of our interaction.

• The conversation remains shallow, careening instead of flowing.
• Consequently, people restrict their responses.
• And this decreases our empathy.

Ironically, being constantly connected is interfering with our connections.

Because leading intentionally depends on these connections, our rapt attention and empathy are essential. And so our challenge: to deliberately disconnect.

Maybe we need to post our own sign occasionally: No Smartphones Allowed.

I just returned from a family vacation, and, I confess, I read a fiction book.

Typically I justify time away from work by poring over leadership tomes. So I inhaled this book like a sinful treat.

And then I discovered that my guilty pleasure actually helps me lead better.

According to recent research, even short bouts of reading fiction…

• improves our understanding of other human beings
• helps us see the world from others’ points of view
• reminds us that people hold varying perspectives and beliefs

The act of reading fiction allows us to engage in what researchers call “experience thinking” – our emotional connection to the characters causes us to explain and empathize with their behaviors, even if we don’t agree with them.

How does this help us in the non-fiction world? By increasing our social cognition and strengthening our emotional perception, we become better at collaborating, empathizing, and connecting with others.

Essentially reading a fiction book is training for our human interactions, no different than lifting weights is training for our muscles. Just by reading fiction, we can transform our impact as leaders and as human beings (and enjoy our downtime more).

To see pictures of my recent adventures in London, Brussels, and Bruges, visit our Instagram page at: https://www.instagram.com/lifemoxie/