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Bearing Witness to the Eclipse…

Bearing Witness to the Eclipse for Stronger Relationships and Resilience – Bearing witness is a term often used in psychology to refer to processing and validating our experiences by sharing them with others.

We bear witness to each other every day through social media, coffee breaks, ceremonies and rituals, and even working together on projects and in committees.

The Great American Eclipse afforded us a rare and wonderful opportunity to bear witness to an experience that transcended politics, religion, work, and even circumstances. Unlike a wedding, funeral, sporting event, or the election, the eclipse brought together millions of people around the country to share an experience without obligation, sadness, or sides.

Why is bearing witness so powerful?

According to Gandhi, “bearing witness to the experience of others is itself a soul force.”
Zen practitioner Bernie Glassman suggests that “bearing witness is a way of making peace one moment at a time.”
Dr. Kristi Pikiewicz beautifully explains, “Sharing ourselves with others opens up a space where there once was none. Only through such space can positive memories occur and resilience prevail.”

And that’s how the experience felt on Monday when I trekked to Charleston SC with family, friends, and strangers. Individually and together, we toiled to arrive, stopped to look up, gaped in awe at the celestial phenom, and appreciated the wonders of the universe.

And then exchanged stories. While we each have our own story, chasing the eclipse is the commonality that bonded so many people together for just a moment, leaving us with new memories and strengthened resilience. As leaders, the concept of bearing witness can serve to bring our teams together.

Whether it’s the rare eclipse, a team activity, or pursuit of quarterly goals, bearing witness to each other’s experiences can easily bond us in wonder and astonishment …if we pause, look up, and gape.

What is your eclipse story? Please email me. I’d be delighted to bear witness to your experience!

Types of Happy Lives-Which One Will You Create Today?

According to psychologist Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology (the study of happiness and emotional health), there are 3 types of happy lives:

Pleasant life
Engaged life
Meaningful life

Pleasant life: we gain happiness from pleasures, such as money, cars, toys, hobbies, adventures, and vacations
Engaged life: we gain happiness by creating social connections and fostering strong relationships
Meaningful life: we gain happiness by using our strengths and gifts to help others

Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, the easiest one – pursuing a pleasant life – has little bearing on our overall happiness and satisfaction…. that is, without engagement and meaning.

Seligman found that the pursuit of pleasures only mattered when it was complemented by engagement and meaning.

Matthieu Ricard, a Tibetan Buddhist monk explains, “Thinking about yourself all the time and how to make things better for yourself is exhausting, stressful, and a quick route to unhappiness.”

O.K. Conceptually, it’s ideal to pursue a meaningful life, but how does all of this apply in the reality of our days?

Through moments.

An engaged and meaningful life must first start with engaged and meaningful moments.

Lucky for us, opportunities to engage with others and create meaning (while pursuing pleasures) are plentiful!

Example:

Boss Pleasant: “I need the team to sell more so I can get my bonus.”
Boss Engaged: “Employee, how are the kids and what are your career goals this year?”
Boss Meaningful: “May I offer you some mentoring that might help you reach your goals?”

Example:

Passenger Pleasant: “I love my first-class upgrade!”
Passenger Engaged: “Hello, seat mate. Where are you headed today?”
Passenger Meaningful: “Can I help you put that bag in the overhead?”

The secret ingredient: benevolence. When we approach situations with compassion, generosity, kindness, friendship, and humanity, it’s impossible not to boost our own happiness and satisfaction …even while enjoying the pleasures of life.

0 Are You a Storyteller or a Storycatcher? (ask your driver!)

“You just made me feel so important! Thank you for being interested in my life!” Jacqueline, my Uber driver, announced as she dropped me off at DFW airport.

What did I do? Just asked her questions about her adventures as a Texan-from-Louisiana, an insatiable traveler, a wife, a mom, and an Uber driver. Sensing my genuine curiosity and desire to connect, she told me her story and I caught it. Now I use every Uber ride to practice my storycatching.

It turns a transactional ride into a transformational encounter. And I’ve discovered that being interested in other people’s stories forces me to:

listen purposefully
connect without an agenda
get over myself
be empathic
learn about people, places, and things
and appreciate others’ experiences

And I love storytellers! They entertain, enlighten, teach, and reveal themselves through each story. But someone has to be there to catch their stories…. So why should we be the storycatcher?

We can discover people on a deeper level – how/why they make decisions.
We might uncover more about issues and situations.
We demonstrate our concern for and commitment to others.
We strengthen our patience, empathy, and compassion.
We are more interesting individuals when we are interested in others.

But being an effective storycatcher requires authentic curiosity, evoking questions, and deliberate listening.

Start with simple, 1-inch questions:

How was your weekend?
Where are you from?
How long have you been doing this job?

Then draw out the story with follow-up, yardstick questions:

What was that experience like?
What was a highlight from your weekend/vacation/situation?
What did you learn? Anything surprise you?

Catching stories builds empathy and trust, allowing us to step into another’s journey and connect as human beings.

Why People Wave on Beaver Island

I’ve been visiting Beaver Island my entire life. A small island in Lake Michigan accessible by ferry from Charlevoix (no, it’s not Mackinac). There’s one main road, no stop lights, and only one grocery store.

And a lot of people who wave. Drivers wave to other drivers…and to pedestrians and to cyclists. And people wave back. It doesn’t matter if you live here or if you’re just visiting, people wave to you. (Of course, with about 600 people on an island the size of Manhattan, waving is manageable.)

So why do people wave to each other (on or off the island)?

originally, to demonstrate mutual disarmament – I have no weapons
today, to say “hello” or “goodbye”
to acknowledge and recognize people
to welcome others and communicate a willingness to connect
to show respect and solidarity

Motorcyclists wave, typically with two fingers pointing downward to signify “stay safe.” And Jeep drivers wave to convey respect. Our commonalities – motorcycles, Jeeps, Beaver Island – help us quickly identify those who share a kindred spirit. We wave to acknowledge the tribe, the community that our commonality creates.

So then what stops us from waving more often?

we’re too disconnected, our faces buried in screens
we are indifferent to others – we don’t care
we worry that waving is insignificant – it wouldn’t matter
we don’t see (or look for) our commonalities
we fear being humiliated if others don’t wave back

What if we waved without expectation?

What if we waved simply to help others feel welcomed, acknowledged, and connected? What if we waved to create a kindred spirit instead of waiting for a kindred spirit before waving? All the waving on Beaver Island reminds me that humanity can actually be our commonality.

0 Managers Grow Like Bamboo Trees!

My favorite book this year is Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, a memoir about how he launched Nike. It’s a must read – I loved it! In one story, Phil reflects on a moment in Tokyo with his mentor, Hayami, in which Phil complains, “We have so much opportunity, but we’re having a terrible time getting managers who can seize those opportunities.” Hayami nodded and said, “See those bamboo trees up there? Next year when you come, they will be one foot higher.” Phil understood the message.

Bamboo trees, like managers, grow over time, not instantaneously. And impatience will not make them grow faster. Upon his return to Nike’s headquarters in Oregon, Phil prioritized training and long-term planning for his management team, to great success. He realized that he had expected his managers to be successful without helping them grow. Managers need (and actually crave) development and opportunities to learn.

But most development in organizations is focused on new hires, individual contributors, and executives. Whereas, being in the middle often means fending for yourself… in one of the most important jobs in the entire company! We can do better than that for our managers… 3 ways we can help managers learn, develop, and grow: Education: skills and training (i.e., classes, training, books, workshops) Experience: events, occurrences, and situations (i.e., projects, teams, stretch assignments, challenging employees) Elucidation: explanations, clarifications, and insights that bolster the education and experience (i.e., mentoring, coaching, assessments, feedback)

If we need the middle to be successful, we need to prepare the middle to be successful. (and if you are in the middle, never forget that it is ultimately your responsibility to seek education, experience, and elucidation in order to grow your own bamboo)

Are You Gratified When People Bring You Problems? (Colin Powell Is!)

Colin Powell (retired four-star general in the US Army) once said, “The day the soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”

Like you, I run a team. I get it. We’re busy. And sometimes we wish people would just figure out their own jobs, and stop dumping problems at our feet. We have enough of our own!

And then Colin Powell’s admonition gives us pause. Imagine the silence we would experience if our people stopped reaching out for our guidance and partnership. If our phone goes silent, we failed.

But this doesn’t mean that we are required to rescue people.

We don’t need to think for them.
We don’t need to fix each crisis.
We don’t have to give them all the answers.
We don’t even have to tolerate repeated questions.

But we better hope they keep seeking our assistance.

And here’s how we can encourage our people to do just that:

regard each problem as an opportunity to develop people
insist that people bring us new and different problems
demand that people identify two solutions for every problem they unload
coach, mentor, and train people so they learn and grow into bigger problems
urge people to capture their learnings in job aides and quick guides

Regardless of how busy and stressed we are, we want our “soldiers” to call on us. We want them to have confidence in us as their intrepid leader. We want them to know that we always care about their success.

That’s how we earn the title “boss” day after day.

0 Would You Cycle Vermont with Prosthetic Legs?

Last weekend I cycled through the glorious hills of Killington, Vermont to raise money for Vermont Adaptive Ski & Sports, a non-profit dedicated to empowering individuals with disabilities to participate in adaptive sports programs and activities. (www.vermontadaptive.org)

Admittedly, it was not an easy ride. The hills were steep and plentiful. The cracks in the road made NJ potholes seem innocuous. It was raining. The wind was in my face. I was freezing. And my legs were feeling sore already.

And then I met the people we were cycling for…. those who could not see, hear, talk, or pedal on their own. They were not, however, on the side of the road. They were on bikes participating in the ride!

Some volunteer cyclists steered tandem bikes allowing blind cyclists to pedal in the back.
Other volunteer cyclists used adaptive tandem bikes with cable-actuated rear steering to allow kids with cerebral palsy to participate as passengers at the helm.
And cyclists with prosthetic legs persevered over the hills using handcycles – recumbent, hand-powered bicycles.

And suddenly I got a jolt of perspective.

Some people looked outside on the morning of the ride and decided not to go because it was raining. They didn’t want to get wet. They didn’t show up because of their circumstances.

I got the privilege of cycling with people who showed up in spite of their circumstances.

And I met the amazing volunteers who showed up without any thought to their own circumstances. They came to create an experience for and boost the confidence of those with disabilities.

Ironically, I registered for the ride to make a difference with some fundraising. But witnessing people’s unshakable commitment and courage made the perspective-altering difference for me.

When was the last time you showed up in spite of circumstances?

Are You a Spotlight Stealer? (Ask Katie Couric!)

I’ve been hooked on Katie Couric podcasts lately.

What I love most about Katie is her rabid curiosity. She is masterful at shining the spotlight on others. And when someone shares an experience similar to hers, she never steals the spotlight with, “That happened to me too. Let me tell you my experience…”

When someone tells us their story and we jump in with our own story, we are guilty of spotlight stealing.

We don’t do it maliciously, and (typically) we don’t intend to be rude. We actually share our just-like-me stories because humans connect based on similarities. We pivot to our story – which is just like theirs – because we want to bond.

But in doing so, we inadvertently steal the spotlight. We grab the microphone. We push them off the stage.

To truly develop a connection with someone, we need to keep the spotlight on them until the bulb flickers and fades.

How?

Be genuinely interested and curious
Use 1-inch and yardstick questions
Ask follow-up questions
Eliminate or mitigate distractions (Katie Couric never Snapchats through an interview!)
Listen like you’re on assignment

It takes a conscious effort not to steal the spotlight, but the boon to the relationship is worth it:

They feel listened to and important
Their trust increases
We connect and bond

And because of that increased trust, they more readily disclose information to us. We gain access to their beliefs, knowledge, and attitudes, thus further strengthening our bond and our ability to make a difference.

Don’t worry. We’ll get our turn on the stage. But remember, our power to connect and influence lies in letting someone else have the spotlight. Just watch Katie Couric in action!

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