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In the National Geographic documentary entitled, Gender Revolution, the host Katie Couric, quoting Dr. Oz, emphasized, “It’s hard to hate up close.”

Such a powerful statement. Think of the prolific hatred online, people passing judgment over complete strangers while hiding behind a keyboard…

What does this have to do with our commitment to lead while managing? Everything.

It’s not just hard to hate up close; it’s hard to distrust up close.

As managers who lead, we are in a constant battle with distrust – it rages like wildfire. And when distrust looms, it is nearly impossible for us to make a difference with people.

So how does “up close” alter distrust?

Disconnection breeds distrust. The more disconnected people are from each other, the more they assume, speculate, and postulate. Essentially we make up stories. And unchecked, stories yield suspicion and distrust.

But when we are “up close” with people, we get to know them and they get to know us. We discover their experiences, we invalidate our stories. And from this personal connection, trust flourishes.

So our priority needs to be: get up close with our people.

• Be curious about others
• Ask about their experiences – personally and professionally
• Stop relying on email and texts to connect and communicate
• Pick up the phone
• Use video conferencing (this is a game-changer for my team)
• Show up in person – be with people
• Seek their side of the story
• Address conflict intentionally
• Create together – plans, ideas, solutions

As we connect with people personally, our assumptions, fabrications, and speculations about them – and theirs about us – evaporate. And that allows trust to prosper.

We just need to get up close.

Why did you succeed? I worked really hard.

Why didn’t you succeed? The weather, the traffic, my computer, the regulations, my boss, my peers, my car, the company policies. I’ve been so busy! The dog ate my homework. The serpent beguiled me.

This is the Self-Serving Bias in action.

A behavioral influence in which we take credit for our successes, while blaming external circumstances for our shortcomings, disappointments, and failures.

Of course we do! We’re boosting our confidence while protecting our self-esteem!

There are 2 problems with blaming circumstances:

1. People absolve themselves of personal responsibility. As a result, they become a victim under their circumstances, leaving little room to become a victor over them.

2. People fail to evaluate all the information available to them (internal and external roadblocks), resulting in poor decisions.

As leaders, how do we lead people out of their own way? With the Lasso of Truth.

Wonder Woman used a truth-compelling lasso. We can employ truth-compelling questions (just imagine the twirling lasso!):

• What role have you played in your success or disappointment?
• If we look at only controllable factors, which ones attributed to your success or failure?
• From your perspective, what specific actions/behaviors did you take or should you have taken?
• What actions/behaviors can you change moving forward to change your results?

When we allow people to point fingers at external circumstances, we condone their victim status, and they stay stuck. Stuck people, stuck team, stuck leader.

But when we help people focus on controllable factors (their actions and behaviors!), we lead them out of their own way.

People at my Super Bowl party were starting to leave. The ending was all but inevitable, as the Falcons were up 28-3 in the third quarter.

And then the game got interesting. The Patriots came back with a vengeance, winning 34-28 in the first-ever overtime in Super Bowl history.

We can glean a trite lesson like, “never give up.”

But the real lesson for us as leaders comes from the head coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick whose mantra is: do your job. Since 2000, he’s used this truism to coach the Patriots through 305 games (winning 225) and 7 Super Bowls (winning 5).

There’s no greater test for us as leaders than supporting our people from the sidelines, completely unable to rescue them.

What can we possible do from the sidelines? Cheer. Motivate. Yell. Scream. Scold. Cajole. Plead. Berate. Threaten.

Or we can do what Belichick has been successfully doing for 17 years: instill discipline.

“Do. Your. Job.” is Belichick’s philosophy that reminds his team to:

• worry about your own job, effort, results
• know the guy next to you is doing his job
• count on your peers and they’ll count on you

With this simple yet potent formula, Belichick calms his team in the midst of chaos and overwhelm. He uses it to focus them, eliminate distractions, demand readjustment, enlist improvement, and emphasize accountability.

No doubt at half-time, Belichick once again reminded his team to “just do your job.”

We lead when we coach our people from the sidelines, and we lead best when we focus them on the one thing that everyone on the team is counting on them to do… their job.

What if achieving our goals doesn’t matter?

What if the power of setting goals lies not in accomplishing them but in who we have to become to accomplish them?

When we earnestly pursue goals, we change our behavior, we improve our processes, we take on new actions. To be successful in our goals, we have to become the person it takes to be successful.

And ultimately becoming that person is as important as (if not more than) accomplishing the goal.

Think of any goal you have achieved. Who did you become to achieve that goal?

Did you become:

• a morning person
• organized with your time
• determined and perseverant, even brazen
• focused on your health, your skills, or your passion
• confident and direct in your interactions with others
• more courageous

Admittedly, all of these changes and improvements we make in the pursuit of a goal are possible without the goal, but the goal seduces us into action.

When I have a goal to write a book or complete a bike ride, I become militant about my time, clear about my priorities, and purposeful in my conversations. I am switched on. I ask better questions. I am more enthusiastic.

Pursuing the goal of writing a book or cycling a part of the country makes me a more efficient, effective, and engaged person.

So while accomplishing the goal is our reward for the grit, perhaps it’s not about the goal. Perhaps it’s about setting compelling goals that lure us into becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves.

I attended the Million Women’s March in Washington DC last weekend with my mom, Cousin Lynn, and her daughter Riley.

It was inspiring, empowering, and emotional. (To be fair, it was also at times overwhelming, frustrating, and confusing.)

The issues people came to discuss were countless (many of which I had been personally incognizant). And they carried their issues on signs, buttons, hats, and shirts.

I personally didn’t have a rally cry for any one issue.

So why did I show up? The same reason a million women and men showed up around the globe. For awareness, understanding, and solidarity. And without judgment. (No one responded to anyone’s sign with disdain, “That’s a stupid issue. Get over it.” )

The issues impact the people in my community, and so for that reason alone, they matter to me.

I went to the March to better understand and show support for what others experience, endure, and fear. And, as evidenced by the lack of altercations and arrests, so did everyone else.

But we don’t need to wait for a March on Washington to build solidarity with our teams, our families, or our communities. We just need to be willing to consider and acknowledge each other’s experiences and concerns… without judgment.

The March concluded when we got to the White House. Like a mic drop after an awesome performance, we placed our signs at the fence and walked home.

It wasn’t a protest. It wasn’t a bra-burning. It was a merely an opportunity to support humanity.
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If you’d like to see a few pictures, check out our Instagram account: www.instagram.com/lifemoxie