Blog Archives - Page 46 of 55

Is Being Right Getting in Your Way of Being in Relationship?

A mom wrote to the Social Qs columnist in the New York Times about her adult daughter, an actress who stars in many theater productions. Apparently, the daughter gets upset when the mom doesn’t bring flowers to every opening night or doesn’t compliment every performance.

The mom’s side: She’s being dramatic. I don’t think every performance or production is worthy of flowers or compliments.

Social Qs response: You could be right… and you get to choose. You can be right or you can be in relationship with your daughter.

Brilliant!

“Being right” typically stems from our upset when someone has not met our engagement expectations.

As an example, we expect a colleague to get back to us. When he doesn’t, we get frustrated or upset. And we justify our upset by being right and making him wrong.

But focusing on being right about the situation makes it difficult to improve the process and move forward in our relationship with our colleague.

Why? Because “being right” involves criticizing, blaming, and judging. And no one likes being in a relationship feeling criticized, blamed, and judged. It threatens the relationship’s foundation of trust.

Kenneth Ziegler, CEO of Logicworks, gets it. He works with, in his words, incredibly intelligent, whimsical personalities who often engage like a dysfunctional family. But Ziegler says his job is to make people successful. So he exercises patience for the varying degrees of dysfunction, as long as people follow the rules and don’t act like they’re more important than the company or their team.

Ziegler understands that to help people be successful, he needs to be in relationship with them. Making people wrong about how they function and engage would threaten those relationships and sabotage his commitment.

Joy at work and in life depends on our relationships.

Suddenly, being right seems so sophomoric.

Are You Comparing Your Insides to Their Outside?

Marcia Washington, an Australian musician and songwriter, received Best Female Artist and Breakthrough Artist awards in 2010. She is so popular in Australia that she is known mononymously as “Washington.” She sings and plays piano and guitar. She’s young, adorable, stylish, and living her passion. She is the envy of many.

And yet what we don’t see on the outside is Marcia’s exhausting insecurity over her speech challenges. When she’s not in front of an audience, Marcia painfully stutters.

Alcoholics Anonymous members often quote the axiom: “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.”

Our feelings. Their appearances.

When we compare our self-doubts and fears (our insides) to other people’s bravado, possessions, adventures, and Facebook updates (their outsides), we sabotage our confidence and risk our success.

The reality is that Facebook posts do not reveal the whole story. People are constantly painting a positive self-portrait in order to salvage their own self-esteem.

So how do we stop the seemingly inevitable comparison?

Break the voyeuristic addiction to social media (it’s just a self-portrait!)
Up the compassion quotient (remember, everyone struggles with something)
Engage a reality check (every hotshot is battling an insecurity)
Create authentic conversations (bring your insides and outsides together)
Watch the movie Inside Out
Read the book Everybody Lies
Forgive… ourselves and others

The only person we should be comparing ourselves to today is the person we were yesterday… Are we wiser and kinder today than we were yesterday?

From Jersey Strong to Florida Resilient

When I learned about a woman in Miami who delivered her own baby during Hurricane Irma, I knew Floridians would endure.

While first responders could not physically reach the woman in labor due to the torrential winds and rain, a doctor, a dispatcher, and paramedics coached her through her own labor via a conference call.

That’s resilience – the ability to recover from adversity, and persevere. And it’s their own resilience that will galvanize Floridians.

When Superstorm Sandy hit New Jersey in 2013, the downgraded Category 1 hurricane left my town without power for a week. And that felt apocalyptic. But it pales in comparison to the catastrophic devastation that the ferocious Category 4 Hurricane Irma just inflicted on Florida.

And yet, in the weeks and months ahead, we will bear witness to remarkable determination, tenacity, and grit.

The people of Florida will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes.

And when they do, they will inspire and embolden the rest of us to triumph over whatever challenge or misfortune we may face.

The phrase “Jersey Strong” became the mantra that reminded New Jerseyans daily that they are stronger than the storm.

Floridians will need their own battle cry, and “Florida Resilient” seems appropriate already!

0 Houston Heroes Practice the Ben Franklin Habit

Benjamin Franklin started every morning asking himself, “What good shall I do today?”
And during Hurricane Harvey, we watched the Heroes of Houston put Franklin’s practice into action:

1. The Bakers Baked All Night
When bakers at El Bolillo Bakery were trapped inside the bakery during the storm, they worked around the clock baking through 4,000 pounds of flour. When the rain stopped, the owner drove the loaves of bread around Houston, donating them to first responders and shelters.

2. Mattress Mack Offered his Inventory
Jim McIngvale (nicknamed “Mattress Mack”), owner of Gallery Furniture chain, opened some of his stores for displaced people to spend the night on his inventory.

3. The Human Chain that Saved a Man
More than twenty strangers formed a human chain to rescue an elderly man from his sinking SUV.

4. A Man in his Boat Rescued Neighbors
When a boat owner set out in his boat to help people, he declared, “I’m going to go try to save some lives.” And many boat owners followed in his wake.

5. Houston SPCA Rescued 200 Dogs
Volunteers worked tirelessly to rescue dogs stranded on rooftops and get them into shelters.

6. The Louisiana Cajun Navy Showed Up
Volunteers from Baton Rouge, LA drove their boats 9 hours to help rescue residents.

Why? As one volunteer put it, “The best way you can thank somebody for helping you is to go help somebody else.”

Why do we need a Ben Franklin habit? Because it’s hard to live a joy-filled life without doing good. It’s like letting toxins in the house and then consciously living there.

So how do we do good without waiting for a catastrophic event?

Be interested in others
Pause before assuming bad intent
Let people/cars jump in front
Pick up trash
Give compliments to strangers
Send thank you cards
Offer a helping hand
Tip generously and often
Donate regularly

Doing good takes action and intentionality, not just a crisis.

Do you have a Ben Franklin habit? (Email it to me – I’d love to be inspired by you!)

0 Worry Like a Warrior

In the movie, Bridge of Spies, lawyer James Donovan represents convicted Soviet KGB spy Rudolf Abel during the Cold War. At his sentencing, Donovan asks Abel, “Are you worried?”

Abel replies innocently, “Do you think that would help?”

Of course not! So then why do we worry? It’s our reaction to a perceived threat. And without the ability to fight or flee that threat, we get stuck in torturous thought.

A Harvard study recently revealed that 47% of our time is spent lost in thought. Instead of being engaged in our current activity or the immediate surroundings, we ruminate about the past and worry about the future.

The problem with worrying? We focus on uncontrollables, fear the uncertainty, and fixate on the nonpresent.

Here are 3 ways to Worry Like a Warrior:

1. Converge on Controllables.
Worrying about that which we cannot control is wasted time and energy. Watching the news, for example, reinforces our helplessness which then increases the intensity and impact of our worrying. We can sympathize with those who suffer without also suffering. Instead of worrying about an uncontrollable, let’s think about ways we can make a difference and express our sympathy.

2. Change Lost-in-Thought Time to Process-in-Thought Time.
Some activities are prone to auto-pilot. When I walk my dog, I have blocks of lost-in-thought time. But when I intentionally set out on my walk with an identified problem to solve or a situation to prepare for, my lost-in-thought time becomes process-in-thought time.

3. Practice Shisa Kanko
This Japanese skill cultivates our mindfulness by stimulating our five senses, forcing us to stay connected to immediate activities. Literally it means checking and calling, and that simple act aligns our thoughts and actions, making mind-wandering almost impossible.

When over half of our lives are spent in our thoughts, we are best served to make them valuable thoughts!

Bearing Witness to the Eclipse…

Bearing Witness to the Eclipse for Stronger Relationships and Resilience – Bearing witness is a term often used in psychology to refer to processing and validating our experiences by sharing them with others.

We bear witness to each other every day through social media, coffee breaks, ceremonies and rituals, and even working together on projects and in committees.

The Great American Eclipse afforded us a rare and wonderful opportunity to bear witness to an experience that transcended politics, religion, work, and even circumstances. Unlike a wedding, funeral, sporting event, or the election, the eclipse brought together millions of people around the country to share an experience without obligation, sadness, or sides.

Why is bearing witness so powerful?

According to Gandhi, “bearing witness to the experience of others is itself a soul force.”
Zen practitioner Bernie Glassman suggests that “bearing witness is a way of making peace one moment at a time.”
Dr. Kristi Pikiewicz beautifully explains, “Sharing ourselves with others opens up a space where there once was none. Only through such space can positive memories occur and resilience prevail.”

And that’s how the experience felt on Monday when I trekked to Charleston SC with family, friends, and strangers. Individually and together, we toiled to arrive, stopped to look up, gaped in awe at the celestial phenom, and appreciated the wonders of the universe.

And then exchanged stories. While we each have our own story, chasing the eclipse is the commonality that bonded so many people together for just a moment, leaving us with new memories and strengthened resilience. As leaders, the concept of bearing witness can serve to bring our teams together.

Whether it’s the rare eclipse, a team activity, or pursuit of quarterly goals, bearing witness to each other’s experiences can easily bond us in wonder and astonishment …if we pause, look up, and gape.

What is your eclipse story? Please email me. I’d be delighted to bear witness to your experience!

Types of Happy Lives-Which One Will You Create Today?

According to psychologist Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology (the study of happiness and emotional health), there are 3 types of happy lives:

Pleasant life
Engaged life
Meaningful life

Pleasant life: we gain happiness from pleasures, such as money, cars, toys, hobbies, adventures, and vacations
Engaged life: we gain happiness by creating social connections and fostering strong relationships
Meaningful life: we gain happiness by using our strengths and gifts to help others

Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, the easiest one – pursuing a pleasant life – has little bearing on our overall happiness and satisfaction…. that is, without engagement and meaning.

Seligman found that the pursuit of pleasures only mattered when it was complemented by engagement and meaning.

Matthieu Ricard, a Tibetan Buddhist monk explains, “Thinking about yourself all the time and how to make things better for yourself is exhausting, stressful, and a quick route to unhappiness.”

O.K. Conceptually, it’s ideal to pursue a meaningful life, but how does all of this apply in the reality of our days?

Through moments.

An engaged and meaningful life must first start with engaged and meaningful moments.

Lucky for us, opportunities to engage with others and create meaning (while pursuing pleasures) are plentiful!

Example:

Boss Pleasant: “I need the team to sell more so I can get my bonus.”
Boss Engaged: “Employee, how are the kids and what are your career goals this year?”
Boss Meaningful: “May I offer you some mentoring that might help you reach your goals?”

Example:

Passenger Pleasant: “I love my first-class upgrade!”
Passenger Engaged: “Hello, seat mate. Where are you headed today?”
Passenger Meaningful: “Can I help you put that bag in the overhead?”

The secret ingredient: benevolence. When we approach situations with compassion, generosity, kindness, friendship, and humanity, it’s impossible not to boost our own happiness and satisfaction …even while enjoying the pleasures of life.

0 Are You a Storyteller or a Storycatcher? (ask your driver!)

“You just made me feel so important! Thank you for being interested in my life!” Jacqueline, my Uber driver, announced as she dropped me off at DFW airport.

What did I do? Just asked her questions about her adventures as a Texan-from-Louisiana, an insatiable traveler, a wife, a mom, and an Uber driver. Sensing my genuine curiosity and desire to connect, she told me her story and I caught it. Now I use every Uber ride to practice my storycatching.

It turns a transactional ride into a transformational encounter. And I’ve discovered that being interested in other people’s stories forces me to:

listen purposefully
connect without an agenda
get over myself
be empathic
learn about people, places, and things
and appreciate others’ experiences

And I love storytellers! They entertain, enlighten, teach, and reveal themselves through each story. But someone has to be there to catch their stories…. So why should we be the storycatcher?

We can discover people on a deeper level – how/why they make decisions.
We might uncover more about issues and situations.
We demonstrate our concern for and commitment to others.
We strengthen our patience, empathy, and compassion.
We are more interesting individuals when we are interested in others.

But being an effective storycatcher requires authentic curiosity, evoking questions, and deliberate listening.

Start with simple, 1-inch questions:

How was your weekend?
Where are you from?
How long have you been doing this job?

Then draw out the story with follow-up, yardstick questions:

What was that experience like?
What was a highlight from your weekend/vacation/situation?
What did you learn? Anything surprise you?

Catching stories builds empathy and trust, allowing us to step into another’s journey and connect as human beings.