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In an episode of “Veep,” the narcissistic character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus halts a hallway meeting with colleagues to rudely ask her daughter, “Why is that your hair?”

Dr. Carla Naumburg would not approve.

In a recent New York Times article on resilient children, clinical social worker Dr. Naumburg implicates parents’ proclivity to challenge unwanted behavior with “why” questions, ex: “Why can’t you pick up your toys?”

Dr. Naumburg then offered a more useful, even profound, question to consider instead: “Why am I responding this way?“

This shift in focus gave me enormous pause… as a step-parent, a boss, a colleague, and a human being. Reflecting on the numerous interactions we have daily with people at home, at work, and in the world, our buttons often get pushed.

And when they do, our knee-jerk responses are typically laced with impatience, irritation, defensiveness, and judgment: Why are we doing this? Why did you do that? Why isn’t this done? Why did you say it like that? Why are you wearing that?

But Dr. Naumburg suggests that we take responsibility for allowing our buttons to be pushed.

Essentially, own our own responses. We can set expectations, hold boundaries, and support ground rules while still owning our own response… with a dose of empathy, patience, and generosity.

Just a simple pause for a focus-shifting breath to consider…

• why am I responding this way?
• why do I care?
• should I care?
• will it make a difference?

And when we run a team or an organization, this focus-shifting concept bears a higher level of importance. People are constantly observing our responses to mold their own. So then intentionally pausing to consider “Why am I responding this way?” becomes vital to our success and theirs.

One of my employees died last week from a sudden heart attack. And I am struck by how much my heart hurts.

I’ve lost family members, but never a colleague. Scott was professional, patient, eager, funny, even-tempered (a gift that offset my intensity), flexible, dedicated, hungry to learn and grow (even at 58!), appreciative, trusted, and gracious.

Since I received the news, I’ve been wrestling with one question: was I kind enough to him?

• Did I appreciate him enough?
• Was I patient enough?
• Did I apologize enough for the times I wasn’t?
• Did I thank him enough?
• Did I praise his contributions enough?
• Did I stop enough to get to know him?
• Did I ask about his family enough?
• Did I show him enough compassion?

Because I can’t anymore. My team lost more than a colleague; we are sad because we lost a friend.

And that is how I reconciled my uncertainty. While I wasn’t always kind or patient, working with Scott helped me be a better boss and a better person. That’s why we parted as friends.

When we spend so much time focusing on our employees, it’s easy to lose sight of our human beings.

Undoubtedly, this experience has given me pause to consider: how can I be a better person to the other human beings on my team? Scott would be happy…

We are hard-wired to connect.

Ironically however, the more connected we are online, the more disconnected we become.

Blame the digital culture – it robs us of an essential, real-world social skill: connecting meaningfully with others. Not surprisingly, being focused on screens atrophies our ability to listen – this zaps the empathy required for meaningful connection (regardless of how many emojis we add!).

Is it time to embrace the Village Movement?

Launched in Boston in 2001, the Village Movement was created to help older adults age in their home instead of moving into senior housing or assisted living.

The way the Village works: members (a group of residents) share access to services; ex: transportation, meal delivery, dog walking, technology training, wellness programs, and social activities.

In addition, the Village’s person-centered focus and community-minded living fuel collaboration and meaningful connections.  Members contribute their skills, ideas, and expertise that benefit the Village; ex: a retired lawyer might offer pro-bono advice; a retired nurse might volunteer to help older members with medication; and someone passionate about fitness might teach a yoga class.

Can the Village Movement work at work?

Imagine a culture ripe with person-centered, community-minded, meaningfully connected, collaborative teams that show up ready to listen, engage, contribute, and thrive together!

Some easy-to-implement ideas:

• No screens in meetings (keep people present!)
• Face-to-face contact (produces endorphins that enhance our well-being)
• “Tell me more” (3 powerful words that signal an interest in meaningful connection)
• Video conferencing (use FaceTime or Skype to maintain bonds built in person)
• Communal eating (sharing food resolves conflict and creates group identity)
• Creative activities (painting, singing, and dancing allow for shared experiences)

We might not be contemplating senior living options yet, but we always need to foster the connections that enable our people to solve problems, retain talent, learn and develop, accelerate ideas, and fuel their happiness.

In law school, we were taught to look at every case from three sides: the plaintiff’s, the defendant’s, and the bystander’s.

But if we want to transform situations, we need to think about problems not just from different angles, but with different mindsets.

Created by Edward de Bono, the Six Thinking Hats methodology challenges our automatic, natural way of thinking. It forces us to suspend our judgments and consider various perspectives of an issue before making a decision.

A powerful collaboration tool, the Six Thinking Hats encourages and even emboldens conversation and exploration.

How does it work? Before taking action or making a decision, purposely explore the issue or problem using each of the following mindsets:

• Blue Hat: look at the big picture
• White Hat: examine purely the facts
• Red Hat: consider only emotional feelings
• Black Hat: explore just the practical and the realistic
• Yellow Hat: reflect on the brighter, sunny side
• Green Hat: think outside the box

Putting on a different colored hat (literally or metaphorically) symbolizes a switch in thinking. Each color represents a mindset:

• Blue: Managing
• White: Information
• Red: Emotions
• Black: Discernment
• Yellow: Optimism
• Green: Creativity

It’s more than shifting our chair to see the problem from divergent angles; it’s about approaching a problem with a diverse, fresh perspective.

If you want to improve your critical thinking and problem solving skills, pause to switch hats, and start thinking differently.

And if you lead a team or an organization, you are likely starved for people who think differently. Use the Six Thinking Hats to intentionally instigate strategic, critical thinking.

The power from your people depends on it. 

I asked Bob why he hadn’t launched his program yet. He replied, “I’m still gathering information.”

I said, “Bob, you’re not launching a rocket into space. You’re launching mentoring into the company. You need to move with your current best thinking.”

Bob had become an information curator: collecting and guarding information like works of art in a museum. Bob had spent months socializing the idea, gathering data, organizing focus groups, scheduling committee meetings, benchmarking, planning, and analyzing.

But to launch his program, he needs to become an information broker: one who takes action to set information in motion.

Information brokers are like weathermen. They announce the weather with the current best information they have. If the winds shift, the temperature goes up, or the rain clouds roll in, they update their forecast.

Like a weatherman, we don’t need perfect information to move forward.

And, for many of our decisions, taking action is critical in order to improve our current best thinking.

So what causes our information curating? Fear of being judged, criticized, blamed…

To mitigate this fear and move forward:

• Call it a test, a trial, a phase 1, a pilot (everyone forgives a pilot!)
• Ask for feedback to improve it
• Seek advice, perspectives, and ideas from others
• Re-evaluate, course-correct, make adjustments

To be successful, we need to move forward with our current best thinking. And when our current best thinking evolves based on new information, we’ll have future best thinking, and then we’ll evolve our actions accordingly.

If you run a team or an organization, notice when your people are curating information:

• Ask them: What is your current best thinking?
• Encourage them to take action based on that
• Suggest they launch a pilot, a test, a trial
• Implore them to seek ideas to fuel their future best thinking

And then be ready to forgive an incorrect weather forecast.

I was in The Art of Shaving store last weekend purchasing a gift when a teenager entered the store.

His face was clean shaven; his skin smooth, shiny and unblemished, even glowing; and he was beaming. Followed by an entourage of friends, the teenager made a beeline for John, the store manager.

In front of his friends and a crowd of customers, the teenager gave John a handshake and gushed, “Thank you so much. You changed my life.”  A little surprised, John proclaimed, “I’m so glad it worked! Thank you for coming back to show me how great your face looks!”

With that, the gaggle of smiling, somewhat embarrassed teenagers and their beaming, clean shaven leader turned and shuffled out of the store.

With pride, John explained, “He was in here a couple months ago with razor burns, in-grown hair, and acne. I spent an hour teaching him how to shave, fitting him with the right razor, and finding a product that would help his skin.

” Reflecting on this rare moment, John admitted, “That just made my night.” 

Everyone in the store felt fortunate to have witnessed this exchange.

The teenager went out of his way to appreciate John, who had gone out of his way to mentor him. John could have just sold the teenager a razor and some lotion. And the teenager could have taken John’s advice and never returned.

Instead they each turned a simple transaction into a transformation.  How?

• Empathy and compassion
• Shared advice and guidance
• Acknowledgement and appreciation
• Purposeful connection
• Trust

Whether it’s a purchase, a conversation, or a meeting, we always have the opportunity to shift a transaction into a transformation… simply by asking, “Is this the biggest difference I can make with this person in this moment?”

I ate at Coopers Hawk Winery in a Chicago suburb recently and loved it, not just for the food but for the experience.

Interestingly, the waitress who took our order was not the same person who delivered our food, and a different person cleared our table.

The service was fast; the food was delicious; and we never waited with unmet requests or dirty dishes.  And everyone who came to our table treated us as if we were their customers.

When our waitress returned to take our dessert order, I commented on the restaurant’s smooth, almost rhythmic operation.

She revealed the secret: Full Hands In, Full Hands Out.

She explained the simple rule: never go into or out of the kitchen with empty hands. Every time you go in, clear a table and bring dirty dishes. Every time you go out, take a dish that’s ready to be served and deliver it… even if it’s not for your table.

More important than the fast, efficient service, there is an air of collaboration that elevates the restaurant. No one is in competition with anyone else. Rather, they work together to create a great experience for all customers.

And this collaborative culture is not driven by money – they don’t share tips. Instead, they share a common commitment: to create a memorable experience for all Coopers Hawk diners.
How can we apply this concept to any workplace?

• Answer a client’s request, don’t just send her to someone’s voicemail
• Share information with other sales team members
• Refill the paper in the copier
• Pick up garbage in the hall, even if it’s not yours
• Take initiative to solve a problem affecting all clients
• Make suggestions to improve an internal process that benefits everyone

With Full Hands In, Full Hands Out, we’re in this together!