In an episode of “Veep,” the narcissistic character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus halts a hallway meeting with colleagues to rudely ask her daughter, “Why is that your hair?”
Dr. Carla Naumburg would not approve.
In a recent New York Times article on resilient children, clinical social worker Dr. Naumburg implicates parents’ proclivity to challenge unwanted behavior with “why” questions, ex: “Why can’t you pick up your toys?”
Dr. Naumburg then offered a more useful, even profound, question to consider instead: “Why am I responding this way?“
This shift in focus gave me enormous pause… as a step-parent, a boss, a colleague, and a human being. Reflecting on the numerous interactions we have daily with people at home, at work, and in the world, our buttons often get pushed.
And when they do, our knee-jerk responses are typically laced with impatience, irritation, defensiveness, and judgment: Why are we doing this? Why did you do that? Why isn’t this done? Why did you say it like that? Why are you wearing that?
But Dr. Naumburg suggests that we take responsibility for allowing our buttons to be pushed.
Essentially, own our own responses. We can set expectations, hold boundaries, and support ground rules while still owning our own response… with a dose of empathy, patience, and generosity.
Just a simple pause for a focus-shifting breath to consider…
- why am I responding this way?
- why do I care?
- should I care?
- will it make a difference?
And when we run a team or an organization, this focus-shifting concept bears a higher level of importance. People are constantly observing our responses to mold their own. So then intentionally pausing to consider “Why am I responding this way?” becomes vital to our success and theirs.
