In an old episode of the television comedy Will & Grace, narcissistic Karen is at a cocktail party talking with her friends while scanning the room. Suddenly she exclaims, “Better people! Gotta go!”
While we could blame the Karens of the world for being incredibly rude, we are always responsible for our own communications. Part of our responsibility is listening to people’s listening. When we listen to people, we listen for their words. When we listen to people’s listening, we are listening for what they are not saying, such as:
- I am distracted or bored
- I am unsure or confused
- I am stressed or overwhelmed
- I am upset or don’t agree
When we speak, we are focused on our words. When we listen to people’s listening, we are focused on their experience of our words. Notice the following when speaking with anyone:
- Eye contact: where are they looking?
- Focus: are their eyes glazed, clearly thinking about other things?
- Face: are they smiling, frowning, furrowing their brows, or pursing their lips?
- Body Language: are their arms crossed or open, are their shoulders square or seeking an exit?
- Responses: do their comments or answers match the conversation or questions?
- Distractions: can you hear them typing on a keyboard or see them glued to a screen?
And when our listening reveals that they are not listening, we can:
- Stop talking: silence can be very loud
- Ask a question: “what’s your perspective? what do you think?”
- Acknowledge the distraction: “do you need to take that call/text?”
- Reschedule the conversation: “this doesn’t seem to be a good time; shall we reschedule?”
If we want to be better bosses, colleagues, mentors, parents, and friends, we need to shift the spotlight from our stage to theirs by intentionally listening to their listening. |
